what would you Do?

Honestly, it sounds like she has a whole lot going on and your wedding is probably the last thing on her mind unfortunately. She may be ignoring your calls and texts because she might feel like you aren't concerned about her current situation. I'm not sure how much it'll mess up your ceremony if she isn't there, but I would go ahead and plan for the worst, being that she won't be able to make it. That way if she can, it's a relief and not a disappointment. Just plan to do it without her for the time being and adjust accordingly if you hear back. I also wouldn't be mad at her for this either, I don't think it would be fair of you.

If she makes it, she makes it. If she doesn't, she doesn't. There is nothing to be done about it and her health is the most important thing. I would explain to her that you understand either way and drop it. She has enough stress in her life.

Honestly, I would just plan to have it without her. You don't need to replace her, nor should you at this point in time. You just have one less bridesmaid and that's okay. I would come up with another plan for programs and guest book sign. When you text/call her, do you just ask about stuff related to your wedding or do you ask her in general how she is doing? I think the big thing here is not just her health, but also the fact that she is recently separated. She may still be so happy for you, but talking/thinking/doing anything wedding related could very well be painful for her since her marriage is ending. I'm sure she's happy for you and wants to be there for you, but I'm sure it causes her a lot of hurt to think about how her marriage is ending when yours is beginning. Maybe just check in with her and let her know that you know she is going through a lot and that you are there for her if she needs you. I would say, I know you said you are still planning to come, but with everything you are going through I don't want you to worry about the stuff you were planning to do for my wedding. I will take care of it. You can probably just cut the programs if that's something you don't have time to do now. Good luck. It's going to be okay. It's totally find to have uneven numbers in your bridal parties if your friend does need to back out.

I would personally have a heart to heart conversation with her. Let her know that you understand that she is going through a lot right now and that you would understand if she is no longer able to be in the wedding. She has to take care of her health and living situation so she must just be under lots of stress at the moment. Did she already pay for her dress ? What’s the concern that you have ? An uneven number of bridesmaids and groomsmen? Cause that would be okay too in my opinion ....

She needs to focus on herself and her health. If she can’t make it, she can’t make it. There’s nothing that you can or should do. She absolutely shouldn’t be replaced. I would start looking at alternatives for the items she was supplying.

What I would do is text her and let her know that even though I have a lot of wedding stuff to focus on right now, I am there for her and is there anything I can do to make her feel better in any way. I would then make a plan for the programs and signs. If she shows up, awesome. If not, your day will be just fine and her health is what is most important for her right now. There is no reason to replace her, she's your friend.

No offense, but give her space if you know shes going through all that. I understand you want your wedding to be perfect and problem free, but it sounds like your friend's life turned upside and sideways. Shes probably figuring out what to do and doesnt have time to deal with you or your wedding at the moment. Things happen, let things simmer down.

She may feel over whelmed with what's going on in her life and then if the wedding is the only thing you talk to her about lately she may just be drained, ya know? I hate to say it but I wouldn't worry about it. If she comes, great! If not, you'll have uneven number of bridesmaids/ groomsmen and that's OK! Let her know that you're there for her emotionally. Let her know that she has a place if she can make it but don't sweat it if she doesn't.

This person is a bridesmaid so I’m going to assume she’s one of your closest friends. You posted “why are you not returning my calls/texts”. Her life is in upheaval and she has a potentially life-threatening health crisis and your concern is an even number of bridesmaids?

Step back and assess this as a friend instead of as a bride. If she makes it to the wedding (which she said she will) super. You get to celebrate with her. If she doesn’t than you have one less bridesmaid and that doesn’t matter at all.

Bailing on the bach party sounds like it had to be a last minute decision? Since it was a health issue?

Honestly, it's out of your hands. She may come, she may not. If she doesn't, you'll have one less BM which isn't the end of the world. I wouldn't depend on her to make or bring anything, I'd plan on doing that yourself.

View Quoted Comment Yes of course her health is number one!!
I ask her how she is and have told her not to worry about the items but she says she’s coming and that she’ll do the things and send them to me. I’ve even offered to pay for her ticket since I know things are hard for her right now. I just don’t think it’s right that after being friends for 13yrs you can’t just tell me hey-I’m not going to make it. Or hey-I’m going through a lot but this that the other...to just ignore someone isn’t the answer. It’s hurtful.
And frankly I did want the wedding party to be an even number and does throw things off. I just need to KNOW for a fact what she’s doing. I wouldn’t do that to someone and I don’t expect to be treated that way in return.

View Quoted Comment I can’t have a heart to heart with someone through text. And she won’t return my calls...

View Quoted Comment I totally get you Sarah. I am of course worried about her health. But the issue is why treat someone like that?
i do not only focus on me and the wedding. I ask about her, her kids, we talk. And her separation happened back a few months ago, it’s not new and it has happened in the past also.
I just want her to talk to me. That is my problem. If she cannot come or whatever then that’s not something I’m going to be upset about. But she could have the decency to talk to me about it

View Quoted Comment If she hasn’t told you that she isn’t coming, it sounds like it’s her intention to come and that you’re making an assumption that she is lying to you.

It sounds like you're smothering her, especially with wedding stuff. Tell her you love and to please reach out if she needs anything or just to talk. Find another plan for the things she was supposed to do and tell her you've got it covered and to just focus on her health because you love her and that's the most important thing. Then just leave it. If she makes it to your wedding, awesome. If she doesn't, then it's very obvious her health is not allowing it. Leave her as your MOH in the programs, etc - it would be super rude to both her and a "fill-in" to have someone replace her. She probably can't tell you if she's coming or not because she doesn't even know. Stop bugging her about your wedding.

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Exactly this.

I'm sorry OP, but it isn't all about you. Your responses are very "me, me, me".

It is not my intention to come off as if it is “all about me””. my biggest problem is I just don’t understand how someone can simply blow you off like that.

It’s my wedding day. The expectation is that this is my only wedding day. So yes, it is all about me on that day! If you cannot see through my eyes in this situation then that’s fine.

I am not saying her health is not important, I have been trying to comfort her, offer my assistance from a completely different state, check on her, and tell her not to worry about anything related to the wedding, so that has nothing to do with the conversation at hand.

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I understand being upset by this, but again, she is separating from her husband. She may be in a deep depression right now. I don't know if you've experienced depression yourself, but sometimes when you are depressed you just can't bring yourself to talk to anybody. She may really still want to go, but is really struggling with the end of her own relationship so she is not saying anything in hopes she will be able to gather the strength she needs to make it. She may not feel she is able to do it emotionally, but is too afraid to say that to you. She could be feeling a failure as a wife and doesn't want to feel like a failure as a friend by disappointing you. It may sound simple to you to just say hey I'm going to make it or I'm not going to make it, but a depressed person isn't always able to do that. I doubt she is ignoring you to hurt you, she is probably just not sure where she is emotionally and it's a day-by-day thing. I don't know the reason behind her separation, if it was her choice or his, but either way, divorce is a lot for people to deal with emotionally. I get that you feel hurt as well, but imagine if you were in her situation. You are about to get married and are so happy to start your life with your husband and I'm sure you have all these life plans you discussed. Now imagine that's gone from you. All those hopes and dreams have been shattered. You have to start a new life over again. You are scared at all the changes that are coming at you that you can't control. Now on top of all that, you are experiencing health problems and perhaps the husband who used to be the one you relied on for help and support is now gone. I'm sure she loves you, and cares about you, but being a bridesmaid might be more than she can handle right now.

By not having an even wedding party, what does that throw off? Why do you feel you need even sides? It honestly doesn't really impact pictures to a noticeable extent. I've seen plenty of weddings with uneven BP and the pictures still look awesome. I honestly don't know what your alternative is if she doesn't show up at this point. Asking someone else to fill in would be super rude at this point. I don't mean this to be offensive, but with everything going on with your friend, I do think you need to get over having even sides and just go with what you have. The point of the day is to marry the person you love. Everything else is just extra. You can be upset with your friend if you choose to, but I would assume she is not doing this maliciously, but is just in place where she feels like her life is ending, she's drowning, and she may not be able to articulate that to you. Maybe saying it out loud makes it more devastating for her and she doesn't have the strength yet for the conversation. I would give it a week and if you still don't hear from her, just check back in with her by saying how are you doing by calling and leaving a voicemail if she doesn't answer. I get her answer is important to you right now, but her life is falling apart, so it's unfortunately, not going to be as important to her. Your safest bet is just planning the wedding without her and uneven sides. If she ends up coming, great, but if not you've set proper expectations with yourself.

Maybe she doesn't know maybe just wait and see. Getting a new place to live, health issue a seperation your questions may just be more than she can answer. If she said she was coming assume she will and prepare for her not too. I don't see the problem she is have some serious life issues right now. I feel for her and will be praying and you shouldn't put so much pressure on her to give you a response. I have looked at peoples text and not responded right away because I haven't figured out how to respond yet I am still thinking and figuring out what to say.

You guys are right. It isn’t about me. And her health and what she’s going through is serious and important.
Thank you for all of the input