What to do when you have 2 dads!

Jennifer G. I'm having a similar problem. I'm on good terms with my dad for the most part, but we're not really that close. My stepdad didn't come into my life until my 21st birthday (7 years ago), but we have become really close. He's become the dad my biological father never could be. I've never planned on having my dad walk me down aisle, even in my day dreams as a little kid. It never seemed right. My mom came up with the brilliant idea of having my dad sing for part of the processional so he would still be included. I was also thinking of having all 4 parents give me away, trying to be fair to everyone even though I'd rather leave that part out. Dad seemed ok with it at first, but a few weeks later he conveyed his disappointment, and asked to at least walk me the last few steps... but that's not what I want. And on top of that he wants me to personally explain to my stepmom why I'm not inviting her side of the family because the fact that I don't have room on my already packed guest list for people I have t talked to in at least 10 years. Honestly I'm so frustrated at this point I'm about decided to say screw it to being given away at all and am thinking I'll just have my groom come down and to get me from my step dad (like in father of the bride). And if dad bails (which I hope it doesn't come to that) i have a track I can play instead and myself, mom and stepdad are saving up to pay for the dj that dad is paying for because he wanted to contribute something. It's time for me to start standing up for myself. If the do end up bailing, it won't change the fact I'm marrying the love of my life, the ceremony will be beautiful and the party will be awesome!

I'm choosing to have my dad walk me down halfway, then my stepdad join us for the rest of the way. Then they can both give me away. It seems symbolic of my life. The beginning started with just my dad, then they both took part in raising me to where I am now.

For my first wedding, both my biological dad and stepdad walked me down the aisle. One on each arm. When the officiant asked who gives this woman to this man, they replied 'we do' together.

I did two separate father daughter dances, back to back.

View Quoted Comment I'm in your situation. I don't want to upset anyone at my wedding. If you could share what you did, maybe it could help me out!

View Quoted Comment Hi! It's only been 11 years, but hoping you get this. How did you handle the situation? I'm getting married a second time amd my first wedding, my stepdad was so upset that I wanted both my dads to walk me down. My real dad walked me out amd my step dad took his place halfway down the aisle and gave me away. He left my wedding after the ceremony. I wish I wouldn't have done it that way. It needed to be them both.
He felt he should be the one, which I do get because he raised me amd is always there, however, I have always had a relationship with my dad although I've never lived with him. He's my dad. So, second time, I still want them both to walk me down. I just pray it's not an issue again.

So glad I am not alone! Like Monique, I have an ok relationship with my bio dad (i don't say "real dad"), but he moved overseas when i was 5 and it was my stepdad who entered my life shortly after and really raised me. I've decided to honor my stepdad by letting him walk me down the aisle, and he made it clear he'd be hurt to share the duty. Now I'm dreading how to break this news to my bio dad. I think one thing that'd help would be to give him another role, like maybe reading a verse or poem - anyone go this route and think of something creative?

View Quoted Comment

I'm in this exact same boat, almost word for word. I was thinking of maybe having my bio dad hold the rings and present them to us when instructed by the priest??? Getting married this December and scrambling for answers. What did you end up deciding?

View Quoted Comment

Lauren, I'm sorry you have to deal with this added stress while planning a wedding. I will say this was one of the hardest things I did last year, but I grew a lot from it and it felt necessary. When I told my bio dad that my stepdad would walk me down the aisle, it did not go well. We didn't speak the rest of the night (I was staying over at his house so that I could tell him in person, and he lives a couple hours away). Later he implied that he might not come if he was relegated to a lower status. I stood my ground, though, for a couple reasons: I really felt in my heart that it was my stepdad who deserved the honor for raising me; and I knew if I asked them both to walk me down it would be to keep the peace and avoid conflict rather than doing what I wanted to do, and I wouldn’t be happy with myself for taking the easy way out. As the youngest kid of divorced parents, I'd had enough people pleasing and needed to do this for myself. My mom was a big source of wisdom and reminded me that I am not responsible for my bio dad's feelings; I cannot rescue him from the fact that missing most of your kid's life might affect your relationship with them. I don’t think he had ever really reckoned with that fact. This is a huge truth to grasp and something that helped me grow.

We didn’t speak for a few weeks as I let him cool down. When I did speak to him a few weeks later I offered him the chance to give me away, which he accepted. I also found out then that he interpreted what i originally said to mean he was completely excluded. It’s amazing how people often assume the worst in what you say.

So on the wedding day, my stepdad walked me down the aisle, my bio dad waited for us at the end, and when the pastor said “who blesses this union” my bio dad said “her mother and fathers do.” I also made signs to put on the backs of each of their chairs that said “Father of the Bride” and we played a slide show during the ceremony with photos of my husband and I as children, and I made sure to include some photos of me with each dad.

I felt like that was a good solution while staying true to what I felt was most important, that my step dad would walk me down the aisle.

My advice is to think through what is most important to you and believe that you deserve to have this wedding reflect your values and your relationships with your dads. Also, if you do what I did, have this conversation with you dad sooner rather than later so if anyone is hurt they have time to get over it before your wedding and you have time to let the stress fade.

When I finally walked down the aisle, I felt nothing but joy as I watched my husband wait for me at the other end. It was a beautiful wedding.

Honestly it was also isolating to go through this because nobody I knew (even on this thread) had gone through a similar thing. Lots of people (as you can see above) have a stepdad that they wanted to honor equally with their dad but my situation was unique and I wished I had someone that understood exactly what was happening. I hope I can be an encouragement for you.

Either way, know that you aren’t alone, you will get married either way, and you will end up stronger on the other side!

Peace and strength to you.

View Quoted Comment Hope this isn’t weird but I emailed you