We’re having issues in our relationship..

Yea that definitely needs to be something handled before walking down the aisle because communication is literally the key to any relationship and if he can’t even do that with you now then how will it work when y’all are married?
Perhaps some pre marital counseling will help?

View Quoted Comment Yes exactly I know how important communicated is and I hate that we can’t seem to master it. I’ve suggested counseling but he’s really against it because 1.) he doesn’t want to and 2.) he doesn’t think we have any issues with communication... I don’t really know what to do here

Hit pause on wedding planning, and talk to a counselor ASAP. These issues will not get better with marriage, only worse.

I agree with the PP. I would not move forward with anything else until you seek counseling. Getting married will NOT solve anything. You need to fix this first.

It’s difficult to advise without knowing the specific issues. But, ask yourself if you’re completely fine with things continuing that way (or magnifying) without improvement, once you’re married. That should guide your decision.

Coming from a second time bride, I can tell you divorce is a headache and VERY expensive. Don’t rush into marriage unless you’re 100%. Nothing changes when you’re married and issues will only get worse.

He sounds like a narcissist

I was dealing with a similar issue in my relationship with my fiance. We are getting married in about 6 months. Have been together for 3.5 years. After the 1st year though things REALLY went downhill. We were having huge fights all the time and communication sucked. My fiance reacted the same way yours did. Turning things back on me, shutting down and didn't listen. To be honest I said if we had a daughter and she was with someone like you, would you be happy? I also said that if things don't get better then I'm not sure if I can do this anymore. I seriously almost left him and when he realized that we were heading for a breakup (he told me well after all this happened he thought we were gonna breakup) he started to completely change. He's more respectful, he listens and we communicate so much better. I think counseling would be a good idea but as someone who is in it myself, my therapist said it only works if he is willing to work on himself and his issues. I know you love him but think long and hard about if this is what you want or deserve. It doesn't work with only one person willing to communicate. I'm not saying things won't get better but it takes two people to make things improve. We are now the happiest we have been in 2 years. I hope things work out for you guys.

We went to couples therapy and that really helped us learn how to communicate in a positive way and how to compromise. Hitting pause on wedding planning isnt a bad idea either because that is so stressful. Definitely before saying "I do", I'd sit down with a therapist

I highly suggest pre marital counseling with whoever is marrying you! It really helped us on so many levels

Communication is a big thing in a relationship and from what you’ve said, it looks like you two have completely different ideas of how to address the ‘bumps in the road’ – you like to address things head on, and he avoids confrontation and takes personal offence to it.

I think you need to express to him how you’re feeling about how he shuts away from talking things through. Explain to him that in bringing things to his attention, you’re not trying to hurt or upset him and that his reluctance to talk things through and push them aside hurts you. Let him know that not openly communicating does more damage and that you need him to be able to listen and talk about things – like they say, it takes two to tango.

If both of you really want to make the relationship work, seek counseling. And see if you can find a better and more equal way of communicating. What you are feeling won't go away, and you would not last long married. It is not worth being married to someone who blocks out talking to settle problems. Or, break up.

Since he is adamant about not going to counseling (why?), YOU should go. Therapy is *so* helpful, even when things are going well! In counseling, you can figure out how you feel about the relationship, what you need from him, and if getting it is worth the while.

Secondly, and this is where I get really real:

Bub, if one half of the couple says there's a communication problem, guess what? THERE IS. So, he can think there isn't, but it'll blow up in his face, and he won't get to say, "uh, I had no idea."

Feel free to show him that one.

Communication is literally the only way you will have a successful marriage. Either he gets on the train, or it leaves the station without him.

Stop planning the wedding. Postpone or cancel if you have to - that might get his attention.

I'm sorry.

You're not alone, you're not the only one having gone through this. Chin up, find a counselor you like, and good luck.

I agree with PP that you should consider therapy alone. I also think you can frame it as pre-marital counseling, which many couples with no serious issues go to just to prepare for a big life change.


My FH was just like yours about counseling. But at the end of the day, I felt like there was communication issues and it was important to me. I think you can express to him that you think there's an issue, that it's causing you stress, and that you are worried about carrying these habits into a marriage. I would stay away from talking about any specific things he has done in this conversation and just keep it high level. But just say that while you love him, you're not happy with the way you two communicate, and you woulf appreciate the chance to improve (even if you are the better communicator, which it seems like you are, you can always improve). Just let him know that something needs to change and you really want to work on that to preserve and groe your relationship.
Eventually, if things don't change you may have to ask to postpone the wedding, but know that this can be relationship-ending or relationship-saving. It is an absolute last resort.
I've been through this with FH so I get it. Write down your feelings, prepare to be calm in conversations, don't let things fester, and never make a decision with him when you are upset about this.
Good luck! I hope you and FH can work through this.

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This is a HUGE red flag. I can tell you, my ex-husband didn't think we had any issues with communication either. I ignored my own misgivings and went through with the wedding. That marriage only lasted 2 years before I left and filed for divorce after getting tired of swallowing my feelings for the sake of trying to keep the peace. Which wasn't even successful most of the time since he would pick fights over EVERYTHING, and wasn't satisfied with our disagreements unless I reached the point of crying or yelling (and in his mind, I didn't really love him enough if I didn't cry or yell during a disagreement - he actually said that me).

I convinced him to try counseling with me eventually, and he only went to a few sessions because he got angry that the counselor was suggesting that he make changes too. He believed he had nothing to change or work on in himself and that I was the problem in our marriage. I kept going to the counselor who helped me recognize how he was manipulating me and helped me find the backbone to stand up to him eventually, which led to the divorce.

The bottom line is that if one of you thinks there is a problem, then there is a problem. It doesn't matter if the other agrees, they should be willing validate your feelings and take steps to address whatever you think the problem is. The fact that he refuses to validate your feelings AND refuses to even consider counseling to address them is a MASSIVE red flag and, after my experience with my ex-husband, one that would have me putting the wedding on hold until he is willing to address it. And if he doesn't, you have to decide if you can walk on eggshells for the rest of your life, or if you are willing to take a chance on finding someone who actually will communicate with you.

I was terrified when I left my ex that I would never get another chance at love (he certainly tried to make me believe that I was unlovable to anyone else). But - being alone was better than living the way I had been. But I met my now husband just a few months after separating and I've never been happier. We communicate like adults and it's freaking amazing. Meeting him is the only reason I don't regret having married my ex. I never would have met my husband had I not gone through that nightmare relationship, and I certainly appreciate my husband all the more for it.

Sorry you are feeling this way. Definitely something that needs to be worked out before your wedding. Maybe write a letter expressing your thoughts. Might be easier for him to read it and then you guys can have a convo about it. . .maybe he has the same feelings and just doesn't know how to express his concern.