Rebecca
Super August 2019

Well, my mother Rsvp'd no.

Rebecca, on June 22, 2019 at 4:05 AM

Posted in Family and Relationships 38

So, that's fun.Woke up to a notification on my Knot app, said someone had RSVP'd online. Open it up, it's my mother. And she declined.Yes, she was JUST at my wedding shower (she took the pics I posted). I'm not terribly surprised. There was flooding around her region on Thursday, I reached out via...

So, that's fun.
Woke up to a notification on my Knot app, said someone had RSVP'd online. Open it up, it's my mother. And she declined.
Yes, she was JUST at my wedding shower (she took the pics I posted).

I'm not terribly surprised. There was flooding around her region on Thursday, I reached out via text to check in with her, and she was *super* terse and didn't start a conversation. (She was fine.)

I suspect this is because her name isn't on the invitations.

1. She has paid for nothing.
2. She has offered to pay for - well, refer to #1.
3. She has offered to HELP with a about a smidge more than... well, refer to #1.
4. When she did offer to help, it was May, we got engaged on NYE, the wedding is in August. The major stuff was planned by then.5. We (obviously) have a terrible relationship.

So, no, her name didn't go on the invitations. Yes, my stepmother went on them, because both she and my father are helping pay, are supportive, are sounding boards for planning, and we have good relationships. We were very careful on the wording - we never used the term 'daughter of' (...now I wish we had).

But. Mom hasn't called me, she hasn't emailed me, she just... declined. Both FH and I are a little shocked we haven't had a screaming phone call. She's a narcissist, so my guess is that she's waiting on my tear-filled phone call. (She didn't get it today - 1. ....This is exactly what I wanted? Her not at the wedding? So... gonna have to gin up those tears. 2. I was VERY busy today, doing nice, happy things for myself and with FH and our friends.)
TL;DR: my biggest concern is that she's lying her head off to the rest of the family about me (she's done it before, and I've had a cousin stop me mid-sentence, incredulously, as they learned the truth about me for the first time). So, I've gotta call my mom and politely inquire what in tarnation is going on, please be an adult and talk to me, and then I've gotta call a cousin or two and see if there's been any ripple effect.

Anyway, I'm pretty ok with this, but there are some emotions underneath.

Ugh.


38 Comments

  • SHANNON
    Savvy November 2019
    SHANNON ·

    Honestly, it sounds like she wants you to feel bad and stress you out... so I wouldn't give her any reaction. Indifference is the best offense at this point. Feeding the dragon will only make things worse. You and your FH just focus on all of the positive things going on and leave out the negativity. If I was a betting woman, I would put my money on the fact that despite the fact she said she isn't coming, she will show up. The best thing you can do for yourself is plan as if she is, and if she does or doesn't show up, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. I'm sure it is upsetting, but no need to worry about something you can't control during a period that is supposed to be filled with joy.

  • SHANNON
    Savvy November 2019
    SHANNON ·

    Also, if it makes you feel better... my husband's mom got naked and passed out in the hallway at our reception after drinking too much. She left in a rented table cloth that I had to pay for.

    Just a little bit of perspective.

  • Stephanie
    Devoted November 2020
    Stephanie ·
    View Quoted Comment

    Oh my word. this is making me a little afraid of what my in-laws are going to do on our wedding day.

  • Rebecca
    Super August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    View Quoted Comment

    ...Well, it certainly reminds me why my father and I decided not to invite his side of the family (...rampant alcoholics).

    I'm SO sorry that happened.


    After sitting on this for a few days, I'm down to two courses of action:

    1. Call mom (no, I haven't done it, yet, I haven't figured out how to not be "Bye Felicia" on the phone), and then call my cousins and keep those lines of communication open...

    2. Just call my cousins and let my mom sit in her pettiness.

    Leaning towards 2.

  • Rachel
    Devoted October 2019
    Rachel ·

    Oh wow this is heartbreaking to read. I'm so sorry to hear that your Mother won't be at your wedding, but relieved that you'll have your Dad and Stepmother to lean on. Hopefully, your phone call with your cousin(s) will go smoothly and there won't be too much or any ripple effect that you're having to clean up.

    Best of luck to you as I know this can't be easy for you.

  • Melle
    Master June 2019
    Melle ·
    Sometimes people can't get out of their own world. It's not about them. Whether or not you even listed her name or your stepmom's name shouldn't matter because it isn't about either of them. It's about you. Don't engage in childish behavior in terms of appeasing her. You don't have to say anything at all to her in regards to this. She isn't going and that's that. You'll still have a beautiful day
  • Rebecca
    Super August 2019
    Rebecca ·

    UPDATE!
    Just in time for me to have to go off to work more than a little upset:

    My only female cousin messaged me OUT OF THE BLUE. She claimed to do it on behalf of *all* the cousins, but ... suffice to say, given that I've messaged/commented on other cousins' social media this week, and my mother's history with this cousin, it felt very "set up".

    Anywho, long story short, they are Very Concerned About the Invitation Wording. (...Really? They are pieces of paper telling you when it is, and that you are wanted.) They want to Talk With Me.
    I said I wouldn't do it over messenger, I can only video chat, I'm off to work, kthxbai.

    After some back and forth, it seems, video chat has been deemed Acceptable, so we will try that.

    I have 3 main points:

    1. I will not put anyone in the middle of the relationship with my mother. This includes if they ask if they can communicate with her on my behalf.

    2. The invitation wording reflects the hosts and those who helped plan/pay.

    3. I'm the bride, I'm inviting them, and things are the way they are because, again, I'm the bride.


    I will also be extraordinarily careful with my words, because I know that everything I say will be relayed back to my mother.


    On the upside? This proves what I thought she would do: lie to my cousins, make a big stink about something she did nothing about before hand, make a big stink to others without actually speaking to me (she hasn't even emailed me), and play the narcissist victim card I thought she would. At least she's consistent...

  • MrsJohansson
    Expert June 2019
    MrsJohansson ·

    Ok so wait... she's a narc and you leave her off the invitations but expect her to RSVP yes or not react? You probably know enough about narcs to know not to expect them to ever be who you want them to be. If your father raised you and did all these things for you, why would you expect anything from your mother? She's not healthy. If you aren't already, I'd talk to a therapist that understands NPD and can help you work through your emotions. From what I read so far, you are kind of playing into the drama by having unrealistic expectations and trying to punish her. It's your life and your choice but it really isn't a positive use of your time.


  • Rebecca
    Super August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    I knew how she would react.

    I have been trying to break contact for quite some time, but family circumstances prevented me.

    Again, since somehow this doesn't seem clear, I am trying to preserve relationships with my cousins, not my mother.

    She's just being a narcissist and complicating that.
  • MrsJohansson
    Expert June 2019
    MrsJohansson ·
    View Quoted Comment

    Ok, just came off like you were surprised by or feeling something related to what she did. Having a narc parent is one thing but a person can cry wolf only so many times. Going grey rock is really the best thing you can do if you truly want to keep your sanity. If I know someone has done all these horrible things, I don't invite them to a wedding. Even though you are in your right regarding the invitations and who goes on it, this is something narc people can use to play victim. Also by extending an invitation, you are not really doing what you say you want to do. If she is not talking to you now then this is a really good time to break and prevent future contact. I hope you will find a way to keep a relationship with your cousins but you may have to consider an alternative if you aren't able to find ways of dealing with your mother. You two seem to set each other off. It's actually not clear the relationship between the cousins and your mother but it all just sounds like too much drama that you are probably better living without.


  • M
    Savvy May 2020
    M'lynn ·
    I'm really sorry that your mother rsvp'd no, and is letting a absent name from your invitation to your wedding keep her away but I'm also sorry you let her absents of money keep her off the invite and in place put your stepmother on the invitation. My mother didn't pay for any of my first wedding nor did my inlaws but I placed them on the invitation for the sake of my own face and to not hurt their feelings. My dad and step mother paid for half of my wedding but gave us the money the morning of. I deffinatly get your frustration but I also understand hers. I think it's only polite to either have all names of parents or none.
  • Tris
    Expert August 2019
    Tris ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Break contact for YOU. Not family circumstances. I'm so sorry about your relationship with your mother. I hope you can move on if it's truly unhealthy.
  • Tris
    Expert August 2019
    Tris ·
    View Quoted Comment
    That's not really how it works.
  • M
    Savvy May 2020
    M'lynn ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Traditionally parents pay for their children's wedding which makes them a host which puts them on the wedding invitation. Today weddings are not planned or paid for the way they once traditionally were hence her mother isn't paying for the wedding. Tradition is out the window for this wedding so their invites could have also lacked tradition or said "and parents" or "with parents" verses individually naming each parent. I understand that's not how you believe it works but kindness is the way it should be worked.
  • K
    Dedicated November 2019
    Kiley ·

    In all honesty, I am not sure why you are trying to salvage a relationship with your cousins. It appears as though they have already picked your mother's side and now you are left defending your actions to them.. in which you know is fueling her fire. If your mother can't fight her own battle and is constantly using your cousins to continue drama, I would start questioning if the relationship with your cousins is really worth it..

  • Rebecca
    Super August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    View Quoted Comment

    I've mentioned repeatedly that we have a toxic relationship. FTR, my father and stepmother are both helping financially and FILs are helping practically. So my mother is the outlier, here.

    I wonder how you handle reports of abusive family members in your own life. You seem to believe that they will stop being abusive if you are nice.



    As for why I want to salvage a relationship with my cousins - I don't have siblings. My cousins are all I've got, and I had not yet been willing to give up on them completely. They have never heard my side of the story, but some of them have made efforts to stay connected and maybe doubt all the lies my mother tells. (Also, a lot of them have kids, whom I adore, and try to be a long-distance "aunt" figure to those I can...) After a conversation with one cousin and one cousin-in-law this Sunday, however, we shall see. There did seem to be some recognition that they have NOT heard my story (they wanted it over Skype, which I was not doing - far too traumatic), and that I am not going to trash-talk my mother to them just for kicks. On the other hand, if they are going to get upset over wording... (they claimed they didn't feel a connection to the invitation.... 1. We have never shared last names, our mothers were sisters. 2. My middle name is my mother's maiden name, and it was on the invitation. 3. ...I am the connection. I am the cousin.)

  • M
    Savvy May 2020
    M'lynn ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Your post itself does not mention a toxic relationship, I'm not someone who sits and reads every comment under a post. My advice then, you should not have invited her period. I've been married and it ended in a divorce due to my husband being extremely abusive, primarily mentally and emotionally. You having contact with her allows her to abuse you, cut off contact. As far as your relationship with your cousins go you're a grown adult as are they; you dont need your mom involved to have a relationship with them. If they choose to treat you with anything less than love and be apart of your life regardless of your decision to cut contact with her they aren't worth your time. An additional advice, don't make assumptions. You made an assumption that I have read every reply to your post, you also assumed how I handle abusive relationships. Are you possibly making assumptions about your cousins?
    Get counseling, a forum of people giving you advice on your abusive relationships is not healthy. A counselor can help you sort through your emotions and keep assist you in making life decisions that are best for you.
    Best of luck.

  • PrissiePants
    Dedicated May 2020
    PrissiePants ·

    My mother is a narcissist. I went no contact nine years ago and have no regrets. I also ended contact with all of the family who enables her, which, wasn't as easy. But it is what it is.

    My advice to you - cut contact with your mother and her flying monkeys. (If you are unfamiliar with that term, please google it.)

    I know my mother would make wedding planning a living hell for me. I know she would ruin my wedding and all the special events leading up to it.

    Save yourself the stress.

    And screw anyone who judges you or doesn't understand. You don't need their approval to live your best life.

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