Rebecca
Super August 2019

Well, my mother Rsvp'd no.

Rebecca, on June 22, 2019 at 4:05 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 38
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So, that's fun.
Woke up to a notification on my Knot app, said someone had RSVP'd online. Open it up, it's my mother. And she declined.
Yes, she was JUST at my wedding shower (she took the pics I posted).

I'm not terribly surprised. There was flooding around her region on Thursday, I reached out via text to check in with her, and she was *super* terse and didn't start a conversation. (She was fine.)

I suspect this is because her name isn't on the invitations.

1. She has paid for nothing.
2. She has offered to pay for - well, refer to #1.
3. She has offered to HELP with a about a smidge more than... well, refer to #1.
4. When she did offer to help, it was May, we got engaged on NYE, the wedding is in August. The major stuff was planned by then.5. We (obviously) have a terrible relationship.

So, no, her name didn't go on the invitations. Yes, my stepmother went on them, because both she and my father are helping pay, are supportive, are sounding boards for planning, and we have good relationships. We were very careful on the wording - we never used the term 'daughter of' (...now I wish we had).

But. Mom hasn't called me, she hasn't emailed me, she just... declined. Both FH and I are a little shocked we haven't had a screaming phone call. She's a narcissist, so my guess is that she's waiting on my tear-filled phone call. (She didn't get it today - 1. ....This is exactly what I wanted? Her not at the wedding? So... gonna have to gin up those tears. 2. I was VERY busy today, doing nice, happy things for myself and with FH and our friends.)
TL;DR: my biggest concern is that she's lying her head off to the rest of the family about me (she's done it before, and I've had a cousin stop me mid-sentence, incredulously, as they learned the truth about me for the first time). So, I've gotta call my mom and politely inquire what in tarnation is going on, please be an adult and talk to me, and then I've gotta call a cousin or two and see if there's been any ripple effect.

Anyway, I'm pretty ok with this, but there are some emotions underneath.

Ugh.


38 Comments

  • Anna
    Devoted April 2020
    Anna ·
    That's a lot to handle. If I were you, I would hold out a couple of days to torture her lol. But it is kinda sad she has to act that way. Just something about kids growing up that makes parents want to make it know their still in control. I have that with my mom. When I talk about my fmil, she gets so mad and starts talking bad about her, may i add she has never tried to talk to her. My fmil has been the one trying to. I tell her instead of being happy that shes nice to me, it's the complete opposite.
    But I really am sad you are found through this. Hopefully maybe she'll realize this ain't her day and you're growing up.
  • Heather
    Devoted October 2019
    Heather ·
    I honestly find it strange to put any parents names on invitations. It’s not their wedding. Tho you probably could have given her a heads up before she got the invite and said “hey, stepmoms name is on there because she’s paying, so please don’t be offended when you see it”. She’s probably feeling more hurt that you listed stepmom than she would if you hadn’t listed anyone at all.
  • Shannon
    Expert June 2021
    Shannon ·
    I’m sorry. I deal with the same. We won’t be doing invitations for a long time, but there is a good chance neither of our parents will show. My mom didn’t take to me for 2 years after my divorce and blamed by FH for it, even after I showed her all my ex husbands dating profiles. She went on to only contacting my kids through my ex (which he’d tell me every time because it was Avery agreeable divorce). She sent birthday/Christmas/mother’s day gifts back time, unwrapped. So petty.
  • Shannon
    Expert June 2021
    Shannon ·
    Didn’t TALK to me. Sorry, my phone changes words.
  • karen
    Master October 2017
    karen ·

    I think the invitations were humiliating to your mom. You were free to do that, but now there are consequences. Did she abandon you as an infant? Did you live with post-divorce.

    I am sorry for everyone.

  • Courtney
    Rockstar December 2019
    Courtney ·
    Let her throw her tantrum. You continue planning your day with the people who genuinely love you.
  • A
    Dedicated August 2019
    Alyssa ·
    I don't have any real advice, but I'm sorry you're dealing with that. My parents are helping pay and we didn't put them on the invite, but they know how much we appreciate it and love them.

    I honestly didn't know parents went on the invites. We just did really short ones.
  • Megan
    VIP January 2019
    Megan ·
    The invites aren’t humiliating, the hosting family traditionally goes on the invite and she isn’t hosting. Now in my opinion hosting doesn’t have to mean paying, because some people don’t have the means, but she isn’t supporting your relationship or nuptials at all and I would not give her credit. Let her throw her temper tantrum, I would not indulge it with a phone call.
  • Emily
    Expert May 2019
    Emily ·
    View Quoted Comment
    The invitations are not humiliating. If she has done nothing for the wedding at all then she has no right to be on them. The poster stated that she has a bad relationship with her mom so if she has a better relationship with her dad and stepmom and they are stepping up to host the wedding they deserve to be listed on the invitations not her mom that has done nothing to help. You obviously do not know this posters parental relationships, plenty of people are closer to step parents than biological parents and they deserve to be honored as well.
  • karen
    Master October 2017
    karen ·

    I asked her for more background on her life growing up, but no response yet (not that she has to respond). It is fine for her to be closer to Stepmom, but if she wants to publicly broadcast it, then she should accept there may be consequences. Life will go on.

  • Laura
    Rockstar October 2019
    Laura ·

    I wish I knew what to say...just Wow....That really stinks that you have to go through all of that in general, not just while planning your wedding.

  • C
    Devoted November 2020
    Casey ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Names on invitations are there as a way of thanking parents for contributing financially. Her mom did not contribute and therefore gets no mention. No further background information is required.
    It isn't humiliating and should NOT have consequences. Her mother is acting like a ridiculous and petty child.
  • karen
    Master October 2017
    karen ·

    I would need to know more. If mom raised the kid and then dad paid for the wedding, I would be more appreciative of mom. If mom does not have as much money as dad, I would not hammer this home. People skirt it by saying together with their families. Of course, OP did not have to. We will have to disagree about whether it is humiliating.

  • Rebecca
    Super August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    Well, Karen, my father raised me, paid for school, supports me in many ways, and my mother, as I mentioned, is a narcissist, which usually implies emotional abuse.

    But thank you for judging.
  • karen
    Master October 2017
    karen ·
    View Quoted Comment

    Well then, you have nothing to worry about. And if she is so objectively less a parent than your dad, your relatives will know that, again nothing to worry about.

  • Rebecca
    Super August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    View Quoted Comment

    Thank you for knowing so much about narcissists and my family that you ignored the whole part where I said she's been lying about me to them for years.

    Seriously, please, read my post.

    Everyone else on this thread has been very supportive, understanding, and, in absence of information, giving *me* the benefit of the doubt.

    You have insisted that I'm the problem from the get-go, decided you understood my family dynamic (without understanding my post fully), and are now insisting I have nothing to worry about, when the whole point of this post was... I have something to worry about.

  • Renee
    Expert April 2020
    Renee ·

    Wow, I'm sorry your mom is like that. I can only imagine all the stress that puts on you on a daily basis, not just while planning a wedding. I agree with pp, don't respond to her decline, let it drive her crazy. Personally I wouldn't bring it up at all and accept that she wont be there but that's just me lol

    Every invite I have looked up while searching for an invitation, includes parents names. Since my mom and FH parents aren't contributing, we just switched it to our names. So instead of it saying Mrs bride's mother and Mr & Mrs grooms parents invite you to celebrate the union of their kids, it say Bride and groom invite you to celebrate our marriage. So I do see parent's names mentioned everywhere, I just feel like it goes off of each relationship

    Btw, I think it's so great that your dad and stepmom are there for you. Not all parents or stepparents are supportive and it's awesome you put them on your invitations

  • K
    Devoted September 2020
    Ka-Rina ·
    View Quoted Comment
    I agree w this. Giving any attention to this type of behavior...engaging on this in any way...will indicate to her that her tricks still work. Do you want her at your wedding at all?
  • Jordan
    Expert September 2019
    Jordan ·

    You say toward the end that you don't want her there, so I'm not seeing the issue. Now if you DO want her there, I think that's totally fine and understandable, but I also think it's important for you to be honest with yourself and with your mother.

  • Tina
    Super August 2019
    Tina ·

    I am speechless

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