Virginia
Super June 2021

Well.....it’s begun....fighting over Rsvps

Virginia, on February 24, 2020 at 7:34 PM Posted in Planning 0 24
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I specifically invited my fiancé’s cousin....just my fiancé’s cousin. Not a plus one. Nowhere did it say “and guest”. Even the inner envelope was just marked “Denise”. Well, she sends back her yes...for 2 people!! My fiancé refuses to tell her she can’t bring someone. Oh Lord have mercy....the rsvp’s have only JUST started coming in too.

24 Comments

Latest activity by Byrd, on March 7, 2020 at 12:08 AM
  • Chantal
    Expert May 2021
    Chantal ·
    • Flag

    *Sigh* and so it's begun. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through that. It's so hard to tell people *lovingly* that you can only accommodate so many people. Unfortunately, most wedding etiquette states that couples be invited together, so your cousin probably just made the assumption. I had someone RSVP with the note, stating that they were bringing their new boyfriend that I didn't know existed.

    People are people. Sometimes all you can do is keep a close eye on your count and make sure no one is making ridiculous demands.

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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Is this a person that your cousin has been with? I know your fh won't say anything but you may have to.

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  • Virginia
    Super June 2021
    Virginia ·
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    I’ve never even met this cousin and when he gave me the guest list, he did not list her as having a plus one. Apparently this is a boyfriend we didn’t know about and he refuses to tell her no. I’d call her myself if I had her number...
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Hmmmm...so sounds like that is your fh's fault and now he does not want to be the bad guy lol. Do you have the space or budget for her boyfriend? Have you asked him if anyone else from his guest list is in a relationship he did not account for? Why won't he tell her no if he made the mistake?

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  • Virginia
    Super June 2021
    Virginia ·
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    He doesn’t care about money and budgets. He tried to say if my brother takes his GF then his cousin can bring her BF. Problem is....my brother is ENGAGED and he’s a member of our immediate family. I’ve never even met this cousin in the 6 years since we’ve been together. That’s his reasoning tho 🤷🏻‍♀️
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Truthfully I can see both sides. The cousin was invited and is in a relationship and that relationship is not less valid just because not engaged. I think if your fh has a good relationship with the cousin then the invite is valid but your fh should have figured out who is in a relationship while making the guest list and I do agree that the cousin should just not have wrote in 2 for RSVP. At least she could have called and ask if it were okay. Maybe you and the fh should discuss this because I do not think you two arguing who can bring a plus one. Sadly it is two late to take back invitations as if I have not seen a cousin in 6 years may not invite them to my wedding.

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  • Kathryn
    VIP August 2020
    Kathryn ·
    • Flag
    I unfortunately have to add, as a cousin who was invited without my then FH, that it really did hurt. It felt like the couple was kind of slighting me because we weren't engaged yet, and my aunt even used the phrase "no ring no bring" with me. I can see your side, but I can also see hers that she may have thought you didn't know she had a serious boyfriend. That was the faux pas I committed as a younger woman just starting to attend wedding events - I got the invite and added my boyfriend assuming he would be included since it was an out of town event and we were living together. Bad manners? Yes. Did I know any better? No. Hell, at the time I even wrongly assumed everyone had a plus one and didn't even realize that adding a person could be a huge strain on the couple. So I say deep breath, then try to work it out with your FH and his cousin. She honestly might not be aware of the etiquette - I wasn't. It's not like these are rules we really grow up learning. Talk it out with your FH, decide if you can include the boyfriend, then stick by that decision. You got this girl!
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  • Virginia
    Super June 2021
    Virginia ·
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    This cousin lives 20 MINS away from us, yet, I’ve never met her in the 6 years we’ve been together and he never talks to her. I didn’t even know she existed until he turned in his guest list. He had to ask his mother how to spell her last name even. It’s not a snuff bc he’s a boyfriend and not a fiancé. She’s extended family who had a boyfriend no one knew about as well as a family member who’s never once showed her face despite living 20 mins away from us. I don’t know why she was even on the guest list in the first place. Ugh. I need some wine.
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  • Sydney
    Savvy June 2021
    Sydney ·
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    Normal rules are if they are an adult you give them a plus one.
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  • Vicky
    VIP January 2020
    Vicky ·
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    If it's a boyfriend then you should have invited him in the first place, and he should be invited now.

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  • Vicky
    VIP January 2020
    Vicky ·
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    It doesn't matter if he's a boyfriend or a husband. He's a SO and thus they are a social unit. They should be invited together, period. The only relevance of you not meeting her in 6 years and your FI never talking to her is on whether or not she is invited. Once you both decided to invite her regardless of that, you committed to inviting her SO as well. Invite both halves of a couple or neither. Anything else is rude and bad hosting.

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  • Virginia
    Super June 2021
    Virginia ·
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    There are no “rules”. Society can’t dictate who goes to a party and how u spend your money. That’s like saying all kids are invited bc it’s a unit. Everyone in a seriously relationship has been invited with their SO. No one in the family knows this guy exists...how significant can he be?
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  • Virginia
    Super June 2021
    Virginia ·
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    When I went to my coworkers wedding last year, everyone from the office was invited...with no plus one. Not a single one of us thought it was rude and bad hosting. It’s her wedding and she’s paying for it. We were all just happy to be invited. We are inviting SOs....the point is that not one member of his family even knew this guy existed so how significant can he be? There’s a difference between inviting a serious boyfriend then inviting a guy she met a week ago.
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  • Michelle
    Expert March 2020
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    I hear you on this one: We had to add a few extras since we had cousins who wanted to bring their gf's & FH's 2nd cousin has someone who is on the fragile side & couldn't travel by herself & needed to bring a friend.... It evened itself out - we got a lot of no's right before the deadline. I hope the same happens for you!!!!
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  • irumsohale
    Dedicated August 2021
    irumsohale ·
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    Ah! you are right "it’s begun" Smiley angry

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  • Nichole
    Beginner March 2022
    Nichole ·
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    Honestly, I think if you're not allowing for "plus ones", which is completely acceptable but isn't really the standard, then it should be made very clear in the invitation. A wedding is a romantic and formal event that most people (not all) would probably think of bringing a date. I haven't sent out my invitations yet and we're allowing for plus ones because we have excluded children (except our own and those involved in the wedding). And that is going on both the invitation and the RSVP card as a reminder that the invite is for the adult couple ONLY.

    I understand why you thought just the single name would be enough as I've heard this advice myself from a lot of sources. Personally, I'd just rather lean on the side of safety and risk the "etiquette" by printing it out in plain English "no plus ones". Or simply had it on the RSVP card, "shall we save you one seat?" Just remember that if you don't allow this one cousin to have a plus one then to be fair, no other "unmarried or uncommited" person should be allowed plus ones either.

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  • KandiKrix
    Dedicated August 2020
    KandiKrix ·
    • Flag

    I honestly think that you should really have your Fiance deal with this, as this is his cousin and you don't know her at all. If you both are a firm no on inviting her guest, then it must be said, along with any other rsvp's that come in moving forward. If they are offended that they can't bring their guest, then they can either still choose to come or might decline the invite altogether (which might not be a terrible idea since he hasn't even seen her in 6 years). I'd say if this was a close relative and a +1 was forgotten by accident then that would be a different story.

    It's so tough and I can completely understand. I'm dreading the moment when we finally send ours out and to experience what a mess we might have to deal with. <_< Good luck with the rest of the RSVP's!

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  • Sydney
    Savvy June 2021
    Sydney ·
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    It is general etiquette that adults should be allowed a plus one.

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  • Mob
    Dedicated May 2021
    Mob ·
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    My daughter has a wedding website I'm so glad her RSVP are there so if you only have a plus one that's it if you have none that's it as well
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  • Virginia
    Super June 2021
    Virginia ·
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    Who’s paying for this wedding? Me or society? No...not all adults get a plus one. We have invited plus ones of those in long term committed relationships. Being with someone for a week doesn’t rate them an automatic plus one.
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