Wedding Tension

Yup! I’ve heard couples start counseling during wedding planning because WOW it is stressful. It’s important to learn how to communicate during this time—whatever works for you.


I broke down in tears once when my hubby was spending extra money during planning after I was laid off and took another job at 1/3 the pay. He didn’t realize how stressed I was. We also had a maybe-we-shouldn’t-get-married fight the week before our wedding. We got through it. 🤪

I'm so sorry. My husband and agreed on pretty much everything especially because there were very few things he actually had an opinion on. A lot of it he left up to me. It was other people that caused me stress like my bridesmaids and his mother. I learned to either ignore them or pick my battles.

I have that all the time. Turns out my fiancé and I do not have the same style at all. So we’re constantly at loggerheads about the size of the wedding, music, table decor (who knew he had any thoughts on table decor???), etc. but we’re finally starting to compromise. And I’m hopeful that once the big ticket items are all done, we’ll be able to relax a bit and just look forward to the wedding date.

Yes! It's been difficult. I didn't want any sort of wedding, but he wants an event of some sort. It was (is?) really hard to let go of my personal/moral/financial/logistical/etc objections to make him happy by having a party. I'm too stubborn. And he's too lowkey (without a vision for this party other than "idk I'd like a party..."). I'm also frustrated because though he wants a party, I'm the anxious planner. I'm in the details planning our vacations and picking out HelloFresh meals; he is the grounded, stable one helping execute our plans, but mostly going with the flow. I'm sure he could get a wedding planned, but we might not get married until 2030 if it was totally on him. *sigh* I could go on, clearly. And none of these issues existed (at least on the surface) until a wedding was in the picture.

It's gotten better (from a few days after getting engaged until two months after, it was bad, I was a mess), but I want us to go to counseling to help communicate better. I need to listen and compromise better and I want him to speak up more about what he thinks and wants. Planning a wedding is such a good test of a relationship. Personally, I look at these issues as good opportunities to grow personally and get closer to him by working through our disagreements. We've just always gotten along so effortlessly! Until now HA

Wedding planning is beyond stressful. You’re not alone. I barely slept until we had the ceremony venue booked. We were so glad when there was no more planning to be done. Then the week before the wedding was nerve wracking. Just because.
When I felt like I was annoying him with wedding stuff, I backed off. Thankfully we didn’t have any fallouts. But we also planned a low key wedding. I don’t know how brides (and grooms) do it when they plan for several hundred people, have a wedding party and plan for 1+ years.
There were days when we didn’t talk about the wedding at all. And that helped. Do you know the root cause for your tension? Is it due to different visions or money or an external influence?

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I second having days of no wedding talk. My fiance and I have one conversation per week that we schedule in advance, usually on a Saturday or Sunday. We drive to our favorite coffee shop, get a fancy latte and breakfast sandwich, and sit in the car and talk. This helps me to stop talking to him about it constantly and it encourages him to come prepared with ideas to talk about.

Our biggest discussion was in the beginning. I wanted to elope & he wanted tie whole wedding. I agreed to the wedding he wanted. We chose our 4/3/21 date & I wanted to get a jump on booking a venue. He wanted to enjoy the engagement & hold off on booking anything. I was on the verge of tears. However, I did plead my case- our date is popular & once we find that perfect venue, we have to jump on it before it’s taken.
He’s a firefighter/medic & the captain of his crew. He’s busy both on & off shift so the majority of the planning has fallen on my shoulders. I narrow down our options & together we make the decision. One day when I had something that needed a decision, I got the rolling of the eyes & I about lost it! I told him he doesn’t realize all the stress I’m under & how I’ve assumed the majority of the planning because of his job. He realized & admitted that he’s been spoiled with all of this because I’ve made it easier on him! We’re on the final countdown!

Yeah definitely had our share of struggles while planning. Though it wasn’t so much of disagreements on planning just his lack of help or interest in planning. We’ve been in straight quarantine for a year now and hardly go out and it put him in a bad place emotionally ( we also live in a shoebox studio apartment that’s seems even smaller now that we’re here everyday). We’ve had some struggles but have come out stronger. Sometimes I wonder if wedding planning is made to be like this to test the strength of your relationship before marriage or to prepare you for how hard things can one day get and test how you work through them as a team. Premarital counseling has helped. We’ve discussed how to effectively handle conflict and reconnect after conflict. The enemy will always try to attack a good and strong thing, the key is to recognize it’s the enemy at work and to not let him win.

View Quoted Comment That’s a really good approach. One thing I noticed during the planning phase was that I was overthinking and questioning everything and asked my now husband about his thoughts on similar questions a lot. Which annoyed him. So I tried to pace myself and it worked.

Girl yes. We didn't agree on much when we initially began planning. It has gotten better. Much of the disagreements was because I wanted my way and I didn't see the point of whatever he was talking about....LOL. Seriously tho.

Just this past Saturday I gave myself a spa day. I did this because as of late the stresses of planning the wedding, searching for a bigger place to live, along with some other emotionally heavy stuff.... has been getting to me. I was finding myself being ridiculously irritated and frustrated to the point that it shows in my interactions with my fiancé. He doesn't deserve that and I don't deserve to have that amount of stress messing up my flow! I routinely take wedding planning breaks where I don't discuss my wedding or do anything wedding related. That didn't seem to be enough for me at the moment.

I do suggest incorporating wedding planning breaks and treating yourself to some serious TLC from time to time. It helps to ease tension and come back a bit refreshed. When discussions get a bit heated, deescalate by taking time to think about what the issue is and come back to it soundly. Sometimes, we need to apologize for not understanding. You both may find common ground there.

We’re in the pretty early stages of planning, but I totally get this! I’m FOR SURE the Type A perfectionist in our relationship, and my fiancé is very laid back, hands off. I’ve done a lot of the planning myself, but in the beginning I struggled with the fact that he didn’t want to help much. I wondered if I was annoying him, but it really just came down to the fact that he knew I had a very specific vision for the wedding and he just didn’t want to get in the way/felt like there wasn’t as much for him to do. Now, we have a great little agreement where I do most of the big planning, and if I need or want help, I just ask and he’s there! I think the root of it just comes down to remembering why you’re getting married, and sitting down and really talking out how you feel. I find 99% of the time, the other person isn’t trying to do anything to hurt the other, they’re just not communicating properly or don’t know how to say what they’re feeling! I’m sure more fights will come up as we get closer, but that’s been the best thing for us so far!

No wedding talk days are so helpful! When we first got engaged, I went full throttle into planning and my FH didn't love it. He thought I was doing so much that I wasn't enjoying being engaged, and he was totally right. I soon after hired a wedding planner and it's taken a lot off of my shoulders. That and trying to limit conversation about the wedding has been really helpful for us!

The only thing we had a real disagreement on was the cake - yes, the cake, of all things!

At the time, he was a colleague/patron of a shop that did multiple things - flowers, cakes, embroidery, and some other odds and ends.

He felt VERY strongly that we HAD to book them for the cake. Nothing else, just the cake. He was furious I even dared schedule tastings with other bakers! At one point I got a Groomzilla "maybe we won't even HAVE a wedding, then!!!!" text. OVER. THE. CAKE!

It did work out in the end - I had MAJOR differences with all of the other bakers, and it turned out that his colleague was an absolute dream to work with AND made the most delicious cake ever.

I am also admittedly a little nervous as we embark on planning a vow renewal, because he is a videographer and now knows everyone in the wedding industry in our area - planners, officiants, venue owners, rental companies, caterers, bakers, florists, DJs, photographers, dress salon owners, literally everyone - and I am concerned we're going to have a repeat of Mr. "Hire My Friends" Zilla. While that would seem like a great way to get a cheap event full of discounts, I think that's a quick way to burn bridges. ("Why did you go with their venue instead of ours?" "Why did you pick him to DJ instead of me?" Especially in the case of photographers and DJs, we have some sensitive individuals who would turn this into World War 3 over why we picked one and not the other.) He's already mentioned the whole "well I figured we would start talking to who we know--" so that's on the horizon. Fun times.

I think it makes perfect sense to have some stress and tension between you and FS during this time, especially if you have different styles... after all, you can't agree on EVERYTHING! That's true of all aspects of your lives together!

My advice: step back and breathe. As others have suggested, have some "no wedding stuff" time, especially together. Don't lose sight of what this hullabaloo is about!