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Beginner November 2017

Wedding Invite for someone who just lost their spouse?

Angie, on August 29, 2017 at 12:08 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 26

Hello. We are sending out our invitations for our early November wedding this week. A friend, who I was going to invite, lost her husband last week very unexpectedly. I am not sure if I should still send an invite, as I am afraid it may bring up sad feelings of her wedding/her husband etc, but I don't want her to think I didn't care enough to invite her. I thought about including a note that said something about how I know this is bad timing, and she has a million things on her mind, but I can't really think how to word it without it coming off super awkward. Has anyone else dealt with anything like this? Do you think I should skip the invitation all together? Thanks!

26 Comments

Latest activity by Nonna T, on August 30, 2017 at 8:32 AM
  • Mrs. Coakley
    Master June 2017
    Mrs. Coakley ·
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    Definitely still send her an invite! I don't think you need to include a note or anything- leave it up to her whether she wants to attend or not!

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  • 033118
    Super March 2018
    033118 ·
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    Yes you should send an invite. Just be prepared for her to decline.

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  • Roberta
    Devoted October 2017
    Roberta ·
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    I sent an invite to a family friend a year after she lost her husband. I made sure to invite her daughter as well so that she would have someone to keep her company.

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  • VC
    Super April 2018
    VC ·
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    You're definitely overthinking this. Send the invite as you were going to. Do not send a note with it and definitely don't uninvite her!

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  • redhead06
    Devoted September 2018
    redhead06 ·
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    I know it's not the same. But when I lost my best friend of 9 years any invite to get out of the house and enjoy myself was a good thing. Send a invite and I would make sure she has someone she knows to hang out with.

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  • M
    Beginner September 2017
    Markita ·
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    Definitely send an invite. My husband lost his best friend who was also one of his groomsmen in June and we still sent an invite to his wife and also because the guys are wearing pins of the lost friend in our wedding we also made one for his wife to wear. She appreciates the thought of it and how we kept his memory part of our day.

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  • Meagen
    VIP October 2017
    Meagen ·
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    Send the invite as usual. Drawing attention to the fact that it may be awkward for her will DEFINITELY make her feel awkward.

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  • Rachel Langerhans
    Rachel Langerhans ·
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    Of course you still invite her! Presuming you were going to invite her anyway. Just be aware she may decline. I'd reach out to her separately from the invite, maybe send a sympathy card (some people don't really want to chat in person or on the phone during a time like this), and let her know you're thinking of her and there for her if she needs anything.

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  • EM
    Master April 2017
    EM ·
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    I mean, as long as you don't address it with his name on the envelope I don't see how inviting her would cause her any distress.

    As others have said, no note.

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  • Constance
    VIP October 2017
    Constance ·
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    Send the invite. Do not single her out with the note and definitely don't not invite her. That would be so demeaning.

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  • Celia Milton
    Celia Milton ·
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    I wouldn't send the note but I would send her an invite WITH a plus one.

    I was at a wedding a few months ago, and I ended up chatting with a lovely woman who had lost her husband about three months before. She was happy to be among friends and have a reason to celebrate. See, by November all the really hands on activity of the funeral will be over....family will have gone home, calls stop coming, It's lonely.

    Even if she chooses not to come, she'll appreciate the gesture.

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  • Lovecat
    Expert September 2017
    Lovecat ·
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    I would send the invitation, then maybe call her before it gets there to see how she is doing and just mention that the invitation is on the way and that she is very welcome to bring a guest. The personal touch might soften any sort of shock of the invite arriving out of the blue.

    My great-aunt lost her husband many years ago, but is one of those ladies who most likely will never re-marry. I invited her with a plus-one, but spoke to her to make sure she knew that I was not presuming that she would bring a gentleman friend, and that she was most welcome to bring one of her "girlfriends" (as she calls them) to keep her company on the drive and to chat with at the wedding. I wanted to tread lightly as she's of the generation that has the potential to get prickly at the mention of re-marrying!

    TL;DR, it's very nice that you are being considerate of your friend's feelings. I think any gesture that is extended with pure intent will be appreciated.

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  • JustPlainCat
    VIP September 2016
    JustPlainCat ·
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    A relative of mine lost her husband a little less than a year before our wedding. She was still in a really bad place when I sent out our invites. I went back and forth on including her plus-one on the invitation. In the end I did not, not because I cared if she brought someone but because I felt like seeing that "and guest" in full technicolor would be like throwing salt in a very open wound. She accepted, then called about 2 weeks prior explaining that she just felt she couldn't do it at that point.

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  • LillyBean17
    Master October 2017
    LillyBean17 ·
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    One of my aunts very recently lost her husband, she said receiving an invite made her finally feel excited for something.

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  • Angie
    Dedicated March 2018
    Angie ·
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    Invite.

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  • S
    Devoted April 2018
    Sophia ·
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    Definitely send an invite and instead of writing a note just call in or go see her if you wanna make sure shes okay.

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  • Kelsey
    VIP September 2017
    Kelsey ·
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    Definitely still invite her.

    My fiance's grandmother lost her brother a few weeks before our invites went out. We had sent STD's to him and his wife, so I was very nervous about sending the invite and wasn't sure if I should still have his name on it, replace him with a guest, etc. They were an older couple married for decades.

    I texted my FGMIL and she said just addressing the invite to her alone would be fine and to not add an extra guest, as that may be the thing to bring up sad feelings for her as if we were trying to replace him or something.

    I would also avoid writing a note about it.

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  • KourtniJones
    Super April 2018
    KourtniJones ·
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    I would still send an invite!

    I wouldn't send a note, just invite her as you would any other guest. Maybe you can contact her separately aside from the invite and let her know you're sorry for her loss and you're here if she needs anything.

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  • Nicole
    Super September 2017
    Nicole ·
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    I had a situation like this and I invited the person regardless. @JustPlainCat I am glad you said you did not include a guest for your relative. I feel better now, I agree, I felt that so soon after my relative lost his longtime girlfriend, that it would be like rubbing salt in the wound, or insinuating that he might be dating someone already. I felt it would be insensitive. He's still grieving as it hasn't been a year yet. Even if "guest" means he can bring anyone, I feel like it's usually assumed it's a "date." Obviously if something does change we are prepared to include someone for him!

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  • Jessica
    Expert August 2017
    Jessica ·
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    Treat her as you would before she lost her spouse. She will appreciate it.

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