Wedding Guest list

I appreciate all the feedback...we are undecided as to what to do. Our family is very traditional, so breaking tradition is hard for us. I understand the wedding is about them. It's their day. But, if someone was planning a party for you- do you think it's ok to tell them what to do? That's sort of how we are looking at it. I understand that her fiance has a large family, I get that. But we dont want to appear cheap or stingy and at the same time we we feel that keeping tradition is very important to us.

Either way, I think we will come out looking bad in the end.....

View Quoted Comment I think you’re overthinking this. I don’t know anyone (out of dozens of friends, family, and co-workers in the last 5 years or so) who has gotten married and had the bride’s parents pay for the entirety of the wedding.

To answer your question, I’d rather my parents not pay for any part of my wedding than have them pay but then tell me to sit down and be grateful if what they wanted/could do didn’t match what myself and my FH envisioned.

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Oh I absolutely agree with everything you posted!

View Quoted Comment I do think the solution is really to change your way of thinking about this all. Stop focusing on that pesky little word “tradition”— modern “tradition” has moved towards : everyone pays for and plans their own wedding and any financial help is vastly appreciated. Have you spoken to your daughter about it all?

My parents are pretty traditional and I figured they would probably contribute a little something, but I didn’t have any real expectations. I also kind of thought they might like to pay some but might not have an appreciation of what modern weddings cost. So, I never presumed they would cover my whole wedding. Meanwhile, I started squirreling away a wedding fund before I even met my husband 🤣. When we started discussing/planning our wedding, our budget conversation was based entirely on what the 2 of us felt comfortably able to pay. My parents DID offer to help. Then his mom did too. Even so, we didn’t start rethinking our budget and didn’t presume ever that they’d foot the whole bill. Eventually, DOLLAR amounts were discussed (to be frank, we started to pay deposits and my mom kept offering a check here and there and I was kind of ‘not sure you appreciate just how big this particular check is’ and it kind of pushed into a conversation with their specific amount)— they offered a specific number that they had saved for the occasion. And they gave us that much, and we continued on our own planning of our wedding. My husband’s mom matched their contribution . Quietly. I think she wasn’t sure what to give but planned on contributing too...then pushed my husband to spill what my parents gave, and just said “okay, I’ll do that too” . My parents know I’m theory that she had offered some money. BUT they don’t know what she gave. And, frankly, they don’t know what we spent. For all *i* know, they may think they funded most of the wedding ....but of course they did not. Regardless, we are infinitely grateful and immensely appreciative of EVERYTHING we received, like really truly floored with the financial contributions from the parents and SO thankful there aren’t even words to express as much.
Anyway. My husband and I remain the only ones who know what we spent on our wedding. Our wedding. That we planned. I’m not sure I fully follow your “if someone is planning a party for you” thought process question, and certainly don’t think that’s what a wedding is— a party planned for you.

For what it’s worth, there really is no world in which you should come out looking bad for contributing ANY money at all, even if it is not the whole sum. Even if you contributed only $500 it should still be appreciated and ANYONE who does see it that way is the bad guy— NOT you. There is no world in which you should look bad for not footing the whole bill. (Bad looks however do include micromanaging contributed funds with the ‘my pay, my say’ approach— you pay you say to SOME extent but it should never be so far as to overstep and plan a wedding that isn’t what the people getting married want). You keep saying “keeping tradition is what’s important to us” but unless US includes your daughter and her fiancé, you really need to rethink that approach.

I agree with what a lot of people are saying. My parents were in a similar situation with me. They were kind enough to help with expenses, but they couldn't foot the whole bill. Which I totally understood. Everything past what they could afford was on my fiance and i. My fiance didnt want to ask his parents for money but they were kind enough to give us a good chunk during the holidays without even asking. Theres still going to be a lot of money out of my fiance and my pockets, but we really appreciate the help. I think you should tell them what you can afford but let then know that anything past that is on them. but anything you can do to help, I'm sure is much appreciated.

So I just want to say.. please do not mortgage your house to pay for a wedding. I agree with others in that you are being very generous already with what you are paying for. I would tell them, I can afford to pay this towards the wedding and anything above and extra they will have to figure out with his parents or themselves.

Weddings today are very, very expensive, even when accounting for general inflation. The "tradition" of the bride's parents footing the whole bill and the groom's parents paying for the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon are over. First of all, I personally feel like the bride and groom should have skin in the game. They want a big wedding, they have to pay some expenses towards that wedding. We knew we couldn't afford the cost of a wedding on our own, so we opted not to have one. Our families wanted us to have a wedding, so we all agreed to split the costs evenly (each couple paying 1/3 of the total costs). Tradition for financing the wedding has shifted because society has shifted. People are not getting married to their high school sweetheart at 18 as much anymore. Couples that are getting married now typically have their own sources of income. The reason the couple used to not pay for anything was because they usually had zero money to pay anything with. The bride's parents usually paid for the wedding as a symbolic means of a dowry from either earlier traditions (while dowrys are still common in some parts of the world, they are no longer tradition in modern US culture). Traditions shift as societal norms shift, and for the most part, societal norms have shifted to more than just the bride's parents being responsible for the cost of the wedding.

View Quoted Comment Agree 100%. If you really want to help, offer them a dollar amount contribution (WITHOUT mortgaging your house!) and let them decide how they want to spend it, so long as it's on the actual wedding. Will they be happy with 60 people? Perfect! The wedding is paid for. Do they want >100 guests? You've given them a nice amount to get started with, but the rest can be on them.

It's very kind of you to want to pay. Many couples foot the bill on their own nowadays! But set a limit and stick to it, and most definitely don't go into debt over it.

First and foremost, ditch tradition. Traditional weddings didn't cost the same, and we're not planned like we do in today's world trying to go traditional on this will give you heart break.
Now you can honor tradition! You should never do into debt for a wedding, you can offer X amount of dollars for certain things. My parents were very traditional that I should not pay for the dress, I let them pay for it because it meant a lot to them. I imagine your daughter wants you to be involved but doesn't want you going into debt for her wedding. If her fiance's family is large and they are able and willing to help then ettiquite is you let them, traditionally with rehearsal, and sometimes bridal shower, but in this case I think if they offer a budget or for food you should let it happen. Your families will becoming one, letting the grooms family help is a good way to welcome them to your family.
That being said weddings are very, very, pricey your daughter and her fiance should have a guest list and start trying to save their own money too. In today's world expecting the brides family to foot the whole bill is becoming a faux pas if not a sign of entitlement, they might not want you to contribute as much as you are able to.

I agree with some others that you should set a dollar amount, not a guest amount. My parents are also somewhat traditional so they gave us a dollar amount. My FH’s parents are generously giving us some money as well which will count as our wedding gift as well as paying for the rehearsal dinner per tradition. We are filling in the rest because we’ve chosen to do a few things outside of the original budget. I think you’d be surprised with how certain things can be cut or changed in order to accommodate more guests without changing the budget.

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I think you will end up looking bad if you don't change your mindset. You are putting your future son-in-law in a really sad position- where his family can't even be considered because your pride is in the way. I feel that this is a really poor way to start a relationship with him. Please please please recognize that his family is important too. It is NOT his fault that your family is smaller than his. Please allow them to seek financial input from other resources so that his family can also be involved. The wedding is about 2 families coming together... not just about your family and your daughter.

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I understand where you're coming from, but agree with others that doing some reading about current wedding "traditions" may help you change your ideas a little -- and there can be many advantages to doing so. As other posters are telling you, it's actually pretty rare now for parents to fully pay for a wedding, so your daughter and FSIL will likely be very grateful for whatever you can do. My parents paid for our wedding entirely -- 30+ years ago.... They took the approach of giving me a total amount that I could spend, and at the time I took great pride in coming in $5 under my $5000 budget when all was said and done! LOL When our daughter got engaged, husband liked that approach and suggested we give them a $ amount to use as they chose. Initially, he didn't quite understand the effects of "wedding inflation" and suggested an amount that would have really limited what they could do. Daughter and I did some online research. I was SHOCKED when I saw the "average" cost of a wedding in our relatively high cost of living suburban area and thought, there's NO way a wedding would cost that much! I got FOB to agree to an amount that was about two-thirds of the average (and significantly more than he initially suggested, but definitely something we could afford without hardship), thinking we could make that work. Luckily, early on, FOG offered to contribute an amount that brought us to about 88% of the average, and daughter went to work allocating that budget (SIL's only opinion was "whatever she wanted was fine"). She did great with her budget and through careful comparison shopping made it stretch to cover just about everything she wanted. In the last four months, it became clear there were two things she wanted to add that didn't fit the initial budget: the first was a menu upgrade and the second was a videographer. I talked with husband/FOB and he readily agree to the menu upgrade (which would increase our contribution by about 10%), but thought a wedding video was a waste of $ ("Who's going to watch a wedding video?!?!?!?!? ). Daughter and SIL decided they really wanted the video, so they paid for that (along with their rings, wedding party gifts, SIL's custom suit, and the honeymoon). When all was said and done, including the video, but none of the other stuff the kids paid for, we ended up, almost to the penny, at the "average cost of a wedding for Orange County, CA".... Who would have thought?!?!?? Initially, not me! It was a lovely, semi-formal country club-type wedding with 100 guests, but it was not over-the-top by any means. Daughter and SIL had pretty much everything they wanted and the guests were hosted very well. At daughter's invitation, I was very actively involved in the planning, but it was always their wedding and their choices. Just like I did when planning my wedding, the kids took great pride in their wedding and staying within the budget. Working together, to manage within the resources they had was a GREAT early experience in their soon-to-begin-married life. Good luck! The planning really can be so much fun!

I would just talk to your daughter, let her know what you can afford. Then if they want to invite more, they can pay or his parent's can. But I wouldn't restrict the wedding size if other people offer to help pay. The cost per person can vary a TON so you may be able to afford 100 people if she does a more casual wedding.

Thanks again to all your replies and feedback. Some more opinionated than others.... We have alot to think about and will be making some decisions in the near future. We will probably let the grooms family pay for some things and we will pay for others.

I think there's a misunderstanding, I am fully prepared and aware to let my daughter express her opinion, wants and needs for her wedding. And I want her to do that, but we would like to pay for the majority of her wedding and honor her wishes and input in planning. Ideally, we would like to pay for it all, but husband and I are realizing that may not be possible. We are going to do our best to accommodate his family needs- I have only spoken to him and not his parents, so they might have a different idea of who to invite. And, they want to invite alot of there friends, but some of which they haven't spoken to in a long time. So, I need to discuss that with them also. I don't think this wedding should be about inviting people just because they know them, it should be about inviting people that they are in touch with and care about them. I have a feeling the guest list is going to be narrowed down.

Lastly, when replying to this thread, please be aware that I am looking for feedback - not being reprimanded for trying to do what we feel is important to us. Tradition is very important, and I don't care what modern traditions dictate - husband and I are trying to balance old with new. We are trying to be flexible, but there are some things we won't negotiate. My daughter is aware of this and we have spoken about it with her. So, everyone is on the same page.

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Anna , this isn't about pride. It's about honoring longstanding traditions in our family.

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I would never say to my daughter she should be grateful for what we paid for her.

Mortgaging your house for a wedding seems ridiculous to me. If he is insistent that he has 100 family members then there is no reason his family can't help pay for it. I would sit them both down and discuss the budget so they have a realistic view. If they have never planned a wedding they may not understand the cost and how quickly they add up when you add even 10 people. Hopefully this is a simple matter than can be managed with a simple conversation. Good luck!

I think this is a conversation that your daughter should have w her fiance. There should be a set limit of how many people can be invited, and if that means weeding out family and friends from his side, then so be it.