Wedding Guest List

This is your and your FH's wedding, not your mother's. His opinion is more important than hers. Tell your mom that you would love to visit with your family if she would like to host a family reunion, however, your wedding isn't the time or the place. I would be prepared to pay for the wedding on your own as many parents only want to contribute financially when they're in control, and your mom sounds like one of those people.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you aren't going to be able to please both sides. This wedding is about you and your fiance, but if your mother is paying then she gets more say than if she was not. If you don't want her inviting extra people then I would kindly thank her for her offer to pay, but tell her that your fiance and you are handling it then you can invite whoever you want. My fsil got married two years ago and had their wedding at their house and could only invite 50 people. Her husband and her told their parents they were going to invite those they wanted there and could accommodate and if people didn't like it oh well. They upset guests that wanted to attend, but they did what they wanted.

Your mom is kind to help pay for the venue, but she needs to remember that this is you and your fiancé's wedding, not hers. It's unfortunate that when people offer to pay for things as a gift or to help out they almost always come with stipulations. Talk to your mom and sy what you've said here, that you don't know these people who want to come and your fiancé isn't comfortable with a big wedding. We are also having a small wedding, no more than 60 people. I am of the opinion that if there are people who aren't a part of your life, they should not expect to be invited to your wedding.

Hi there Alexandra!

Welcome to the WeddingWire community.

This is a tough situation, and I’m sorry to read you’re struggling with it.

As your mom is assisting financially with the wedding, it does make the situation tricky.

If you and your FS really want to have a small wedding and not invite the additional family members, I would speak with your mom and express your wishes. However, it’s important to be aware that she may take back her financial contribution. Are you and your FS ok to risk this?

We also want a small wedding. I would be fine with eloping, FH wants a small ceremony & reception, so we're going with that (50-60 people). All of our parents are supportive besides his dad, who is still supportive but has respectfully voiced that he thinks a bigger wedding is a better idea. They said their money is for a wedding (to contrast, my parents gave us X amount and said congrats, we can use it on a wedding or save it for housing), they told us the amount they'll give us if we do a big wedding and the amount if we do a small wedding. I think this is extremely fair of them, it even would have been fair of them to not give anything, as the amount my parents gave us is more than enough for something small (also, they're the grooms parents so traditionally its fine if they gave nothing). Note that we also voiced that if we were going to cause them any terrible major drama we could discuss still having a larger wedding, but ultimately the decision is ours, but we want to be sure to hear them out if there is a fire we're about to start without knowing. They said not to worry about any drama with this decision, his dad said that's not what he's worried about and we shouldn't let drama choose this sort of decision, he just feels that weddings should involve more of the community and he likes bigger ones.
While we do have different situations, I would say this: Discuss with your FH what you two want. Figure out how big you both want it and if you want a reception, make these decisions WITHOUT considering what it is your mom or anyone else wants. If after this you both want the small wedding and/or no reception, tell your mom this is what you are doing. Do not give any maybes, be definite. Tell her you apologize that it wasn't clear before, and you recognize that her money for the venue goes a long way and you appreciate it but you understand if she would like to be reimbursed because she was under the impression this financial support came with the ability to add guests she wants. Let her know you have reserved X amount of seats for her (we gave each set of parents one couple to bring) and that if she's willing, you'd love her support and vision in other areas of the wedding (sewing some of her old dress into the hem of yours, ideas for ceremony visuals, stuff like that) so she knows this isn't you giving her the boot, just booting the big wedding. It's very hard to have someone giving you financial support when the two of you want extremely different things. Tell her there is drama in every wedding, if it was more family being invited, then your wedding would be bigger, and there would be friends in your area confused on why they weren't invited. This is the number you want so this is the way it's happening, you know it's not traditional but you will be discontent with your wedding any other way. Unless your entire family is about to never speak to you again because they aren't invited to your small wedding, it's not worth it if it's not the wedding you want. And if that was the case, they might need to reevaluate the meaning of family. (Also, even if your mother is under the impression that drama will happen, I promise extended family who hasn't seen you in forever probably doesn't care that much. This is your wedding, not a family reunion. This is a day to celebrate you, and while that's enjoyable with extended family at a bigger wedding, if you're having a small wedding, it's not for people who are there to reunite with old friends and family, it's for people who are there because they love and support and are involved in your relationship.) (Another side note, if she hits you with any "Well I already told so and so they can!" that's NOT your problem, it is a problem she has created and she must now fix. She cannot pass off the repercussions of that to you by putting you in an uncomfortable position, she needs to go tell them she was mistaken and face it herself.)