Wedding Day Guest

Clearly your sister is downplaying your emotions. This is just me, but I would jump at the opportunity to make sure my sister was comfortable and would 100% allow you bring a friend as support. As I was reading it, all I could think was, "I hope the sister never has to go through the painful process of divorce and be forced into a situation like this."

Only you know what the relationship is like between you and your ex behind closed doors, you know your triggers, and it sounds like you know you won't be able to fully be happy and participate in the moment. You're human. "You'll be over it by then" is one of the worst statements to say to anyone. Ive seen my mom grieve the loss of her marriage. It's not just "we're divorced get over it."

Since it doesn't look like she is willing to compromise. Do you have any other family going that can be your support? You will not be with your sister all day and during the reception. She will be so busy visiting and dancing with other guests.

Separation is hard, so try to give yourself some grace, especially when dealing with something you know will be hard to go through. Do you have a cousin, another member of the bridal party, or other family member that you could hang out with during the evening? I'd definitely want to have someone around in that situation. You could try asking your sister to ask your estranged husband not to attend (or ask your estranged husband this directly if you two are on decent/ speaking terms), though that may not get you very far. You could also leave after the important parts of the reception before the alcohol starts flowing. I'd have a hard time not attending a sibling's wedding, but if it's going to really push you past your limits to be there then you could consider not attending as a last resort. I hope things work out for you one way or another and wish you all the luck dealing with this ❤

“Oh and the whole “I really don’t want anyone there that I don’t know. [...] she can’t trust me to invite someone who isn’t going to be crazy.” : it's not about trusting you, it's about not making introducing them to the couple on the day of... I 100% side with her, we are not inviting anyone who hasn't met the 2 of us before we got engaged, so I know where she's coming from. As for the fact you'll get emotional because of your divorce : Honestly, everyone can pur their feelings aside if they want to. Fiancé's parents divorced 3 years ago after 26 years, they can't stand each other, the divorce was pretty "wild", my fiancé said... but we know they will be civil to each other. They did at their daughter's wedding. They even accepted to pose for 3 formal photos together without their SO (they will pose with them later) to make their son/my fiancé happy. So I do think that having your future ex-husband won't prevent you from enjoying the wedding and your sis is right : you'll be with her all the time untill you're done with the meal and after that you could just dance/mingle/chat with your family, mutual friends and ignore your ex. He will be more uncomfortable than you will since the bride's famimy is also yours, not his.

Unfortunately, as horribly inconsiderate and uncaring as she is being, etiquette wise she isn't wrong to deny your request. I don't personally understand treating the people you supposedly care the most about like this and not caring whether they're even comfortable, never mind happy, at an event I've invited them to.

I don't think your sister really gets how painful this is for you. I do understand and yes this wedding is going to be tough. It's hard for people to really realize how hard this is for you. As needmorewine says, this isn't against etiquette, but I agree that caring if your guests are comfortable should be a priority. It actually is the actual point of etiquette.

I hope it goes OK for you.

I'm sorry - she not only invalidated your feelings by telling you you'll just "get over it by then," she also suggested you hang out with your estranged husband AT A WEDDING?! That's just a whole new level of insensitive BS.

As the last two comments said, your sister may not be violating the golden rules of wedding etiquette, but she's not being compassionate either, and that matters way more. Jacks makes a great point that the whole point of etiquette should be ensuring your guests are comfortable and able to enjoy your event, so what's the point of etiquette if you use it to justify decisions that actively make the most important people in your life uncomfortable (provided their requests are reasonable / could easily be accommodated)? Your sister is refusing to do something she could very easily do to help you feel more comfortable and invalidating your emotions all in the same breath. Frankly she's behaving like a cruel, selfish brat who cares more about "her day" than her own sister's well-being during an extremely painful time.

BTW, there were at least 10-20 people on our 180-person guest list who one or BOTH of us did not know, because some of our close friends / family live out of state and inevitably there were some newer SOs we hadn't met yet, extended family members who hadn't met me / him in person yet, etc. Weddings are like that for many couples. Your sister's insistence on not having anyone there who she doesn't know seems pretty unreasonable to me.

If it comes up again, I would let her know how hurt you are by her remarks. Don't try to push her on her decision, but it's perfectly valid and appropriate to share how you are feeling about this.

As for the wedding, personally I'd either fake a case of food poisoning the day-of and just stay home, or tell her now that I've thought it over and I'm not emotionally up for attending under the circumstances and I hope she has a nice wedding. IMO you would be 100% justified in saying that, but based on what you've shared about your sister, it would probably end your relationship with her (and any family member who sides with her). So, assuming you're not prepared to do that and are thinking you'll bite the bullet and attend - do you have a supportive family member or friend who will be attending who you can talk to ahead of time and enlist as your "buddy" for the night, to keep you busy and distracted the way your plus-one would have? Someone who understands what you're going through and how hard this event is going to be for you?

In any case ,I'm very sorry you are going through this. I'm sure it is very painful and you deserve better than the complete lack of empathy your sister is giving you.