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Just Said Yes September 2020

Wedding Ceremony On 9/11/20? Disrespectful?

Natalie, on September 20, 2019 at 6:02 PM Posted in Planning 0 14
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We were planning on having our wedding on September 12, but now are leaning towards having a small ceremony the night before and just the reception on Saturday. We're DIYing almost everything, so I like the idea of personally being able to help set up (if they were on the same day I couldn't help set things up) and make sure things are how I want it. Also, there is some distance between the venues, so it would be pretty great having them two different days.

Everything was getting settled for that until I realized the day before is September 11th, a Day of Remembrance. I really do not want to be disrespectful or seem like I'm just washing over it. I started looking at other pages and they say basically if you didn't know anyone personally from NYC/DC and aren't having it near there (we're located on the Oregon coast), that you should be good, but I still feel weird about that date. If we do, is it bad to have a moment of silence in a church ceremony? Some family members are saying it might be good to have something beautiful/happy on a generally bad day.. Neither of us were even 5 years old at the time, but we still pray and mourn that day together. I just don't know if it is completely wrong or okay to have a ceremony on that day? Any thoughts? TIA!

14 Comments

  • Amber
    VIP February 2020
    Amber ·
    Personally, I think any sort of wedding/party on September 11th is a bad idea. I wouldn’t condemn someone for having their event on that day, but I find it disrespectful. Just because you were young at the time, doesn’t mean your guests were. I also don’t think location means anything, people from all over the country were affected by it.
  • Formerbride
    VIP June 2019
    Formerbride ·
    Aside from the issue of respect, I don't see how it makes it easier to have your ceremony on a separate day. Will you have a rehearsal the day before the ceremony? It's your day and you should do as you see fit, but I don't think turning a wedding into a multiple day event makes it easier.

    As far as having your wedding on September 11th, I honestly had never thought of that. I always remember the day for what it was but never considered that people would still want to have birthday parties, weddings and showers, etc. on that day. I wouldn't want to have my wedding on that day. Again, even ignoring the respect argument, everyone thinks of the attacks on September 11th. I don't think I would want the two things related.
  • Jeanie
    Super February 2020
    Jeanie ·
    I live in South Jersey, so I know people who were involved as do most people I know. I was also 19 when it happened and remember everything very clearly. However, life does go on, and if you are unable to change the date I wouldn’t think you were a terrible person for getting married on that day. Just take a few minutes to recognize the date at some point, and I think that would be fine. While it is a day that should always be remembered and those who passed should be honored, I don’t believe any of them would not want those of us who are still living to mourn forever and not have our happiness. But if you’re getting negative comments from your family or friends, I would opt to follow their opinions more than any of us on WW, since those are the people who will have an impact on your day one way or another. Congrats on your engagement.
  • Kat
    Expert May 2019
    Kat ·
    I don’t think it’s disrespectful but I’d NEVER want to have my anniversary be Sept 11th. That date is associated with such negative emotions for everyone when they hear it. I wouldn’t do it.
  • earias
    Champion December 2017
    earias ·

    My dad's birthday is September 11th and I can't even think about his birthday without thinking about that horrible event. I live in California and was 23 when it happened so I can tell you that even out here people were very deeply affected by it. My office closed for the day to allow people to mourn and when we came back to work we spent half the day just talking about it. Nearly everyone I knew put an American flag on their car to show their solidarity. It was a horrible day. I could never associate it now with anything good and I would guess people who are my age or older would feel similarly.

    Also, I agree with Formerbride that it doesn't make sense to have your events on two separate days. This won't make things easier for your guests and may serve to frustrate them.

  • Heather
    Devoted February 2020
    Heather ·
    I’d probably refrain since you never know if your guests had any association. I live in CA but originally from NJ. My one uncle was in the towers that day, ran out as it was falling. And my other uncle was working as a paramedic near ground zero that day. So personally I wouldn’t feel right going to a wedding that day. The bride and groom may have no idea my background if they know my FH and not me very well. Your better off just avoiding it and maybe doing the ceremony on the 12th and reception on the 13th if you wanted two days.
  • Hannah
    VIP July 2019
    Hannah Online ·
    I wouldn't have the events on 2 different dates just because it may be more difficult for guests to make sure they block out more time.

    As far as the September 11th thing goes, I have a different opinion from others I suppose. I'm from an NJ town which is a suburb of NYC (many people commute for work) and my parents only moved to NJ from NYC after getting married, although most of my relatives still live there. I say this for context of proximity to the event. Would I personally have a wedding on 9/11? No. However, I wouldn't balk at someone doing so, or even blink an eye. While it is sad to think about what happened on that day 18 years ago, life doesn't stand still. We don't eschew joyous gatherings on the day Pearl Harbor was attacked or when Timothy McVeigh committed the Oklahoma City bombings. Yes, this was on a grander scale. However, as we've unfortunately been seeing in the news more and more, there is a national tragedy being reported almost constantly. Where would we draw the line if we stopped celebrating anything good in our lives on any date that has been marred by a tragedy?
  • Prynne
    Devoted October 2020
    Prynne ·

    While I don't think it's necessarily disrespectful, there is a somberness to that day that I don't think will dissipate in my lifetime. Therefore, I personally would not want to get married on that date and would feel weird celebrating.

    I did not know anyone involved in the tragedy, and I still think about it every time I even look at the clock and it says 9:11. It's just such a part of consciousness for anyone who remembers it.

    I've also never been to a two-day wedding and think it would probably be more convenient for guests to have everything on the 12th.

  • Sharon
    Devoted October 2020
    Sharon ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Exactly this!! You said it so perfectly. I'm born and raised NYC and will never forget that day as long as I live but I agree with everything you said.
  • M
    Dedicated October 2019
    M ·
    I’m from New York. I was only 8 but remember not knowing which one of my family members would make it home because I had no idea the map of “the city” and where was effected just that my loved ones worked there. At 8 years old I remember lining up at the school office so everyone can call their parents and make sure someone was home for us on the early dismissal. It’s traumatic and hurts still every year, even though I rationally know others have it much worse.
    Opposed to other people though, I don’t think you should halt your life because of a horrific event. I don’t believe the ones we’ve lost would want that. I personally would never want my loved ones not to do what brings them joy after I’m gone. If that was the day that worked best for you, you should keep it. If you are religious, a moment of prayer to recognize it couldn’t hurt.

    However, if you already planned to have the ceremony on the 12th, stick to it. I don’t see how much easier splitting the ceremony and reception by one day could be. The idea of switching a plan you already had seems more disrespectful than if your dream venue only had that day available. You see what I’m saying? If you can avoid it, just don’t do it. If it is the only way to get your dream day, it’s ok with some respect.
  • Futuremrsmccormack
    Super February 2020
    Futuremrsmccormack ·
    I'm from DC, and I remember seeing the second plane crash live on TV at the age of 14 in 8th grade science class. Phones weren't working, everyone was in panic.It was a scary tragic time that threw us full force into war. We remember and mourn this day as an Nation. It's well within living memory.

    I think it's a bad idea. The 12th, okay, but why would you stretch it to include the 11th? That's the part that bothers me.
  • Yam
    VIP September 2019
    Yam ·
    My birthday is September 11th and people are always depressed on that day. Skip it, not for their sake but yours. Your anniversary would suck just as badly as my birthday. People will light candles and put out flags, some restaurants will even be closed. It’s a day everyone mourns and relives their pain. At best no one will care if it’s a day of celebration for you, at worst people will be offended you’re celebrating. You can’t win.
  • Rebecca
    Savvy September 2020
    Rebecca ·
    Does your venue allow set up the day prior? My date is also Sept 12, 2020 and they told me so long as there is not another wedding the day before I can have all day Friday for set up. I am assuming it is likely to remain open simply because Sept. 11th woild not be a good day for a wedding. Just in case my FH plans on spending the morning of our wedding doing setup with the groomsmen. I am a control freak as well but I am keeping it simple. Chair covers, sashes and centerpieces are all we need to set up. The rest will be done by a professional. I am going to have my centerpieces put together prior to the wedding all they have to do is put them on the tables and add water. I even plan on sending pictures of how the placement should be on each table in case they can't figure it out.
  • yung_coconut
    Savvy October 2019
    yung_coconut ·

    Unpopular Opinion: It's probably fine. I think people are only getting worked-up about it because it's recent. Do people get married on December 7th? Yes! Do most Americans know what happened on December 7th? Probably not! And that's also within "living memory" for many Americans. What about November 22? April 4? We have a federal holiday dedicated to honoring military personnel who died while serving, and all we do is take a Monday off to BBQ and maybe get a great deal on a car or mattress.

    Choose whatever date works best for you. If people have strong feelings about it, they can remember that day however they wish on their own time.

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