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Just Said Yes January 2019

We said no kids at our small wedding and had to compromise for family traveling across the country. Are we being unreasonable for not compromising aga

Carriescott, on October 6, 2021 at 1:02 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 8

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My fiance and I are getting married in January in the mountains, it's a 2 night stay at our venue (the night before the wedding and the night of the wedding), an evening wedding, and then our reception which consists of a 2 hour dinner service and then a very low key night of socializing and getting to know each other (since our families live across the country from one another and haven't had many chances to spend time together). Our guest list will be less than 20 people.

Because of the set up of our event, my fiance and I decided on a 'child free' wedding. For the record, inviting the kids would add 6 children (ages 4, 6, 7, 8, and two 11 year olds). My fiance's brother and wife will be traveling across the country and are hoping to stay a few days after our wedding, so when they asked about bringing their kids to accomplish this, we said of course. We wouldn't expect them to leave their kids (ages 7, 11) home for 10 days while they were out here visiting. My fiance's cousin (lives in the same city as us) with children (ages 4 and 6) was happy to find care for the kids for the two nights of our wedding, no issues there.
My fiance's sister (38), on the other hand, has thrown us a bit of a curveball. Her boyfriend (41) of one year has two girls (8 and 11) that we know quite well and she felt that if her brother's kids were coming (from across the country) that the girls should be allowed to come too (they live in the same city as us - 1 hour from the venue). We politely reminded them that we were aiming for a child free wedding due to the nature of our event and the venue and that the brother's kids were coming more out of necessity than invitation, and said no, unfortunately the girls were still not invited.
A few weeks passed and my FSIL brought it up again to my fiance (I wasn't there), saying it would be good if we could make up our minds about having the girls at the wedding so they could figure out plans with her boyfriend's ex-wife about which days they would have the girls over the holidays to accommodate the wedding and custody arrangements. My fiance again said that the girls weren't invited and this time, my FSIL seemed to understand. She asked if instead we would consider having a shower for the girls to attend and participate in, since they wouldn't be at the wedding. My fiance agreed that a shower would be fun and having the kids at the shower would be a great idea. That seemed to be the end of the conversation.
A few weeks later, my FSIL once again approached my fiance and asked if the girls could come, this time to the ceremony only and then not attend the reception (her idea was that the ex-wife would bring the girls for the ceremony and take them home right after). My fiance told my FSIL that we would talk about it and get back to her. We're feeling stuck. Our ceremony will be less than 15 minutes, and it seems a long way to drive for 15 minutes and then have to drive home in the dark, in the winter. Plus, we've already said no more than once. We also aren't making this exception for the cousin's kids. We keep saying no and they keep coming back with "compromises".
We're not trying to be rude or exclude anyone, we just feel that the venue and the event in general aren't right for kids, and we wanted to have a weekend where adults could relax and connect and not worry about keeping an eye on the kids 24/7.
Any advice for us going into our next conversation with my FSIL? Do you think we should stand firm or just allow the girls to come to avoid the drama even though it's not what we want?

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8 Comments

Latest activity by Jacks, on October 14, 2021 at 12:00 AM

Master October 2023
Cece · on October 6, 2021 at 1:14 PM
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I would stand firm! She is obviously trying to wear you down to get her way. Tell her that you understand her and FH already came to a compromise about the children, and determined that you would host a shower where the girls would be invited, PER HER SUGGESTION! Tell her you think it was a great compromise, and an appropriate venue to have children… but your ceremony and reception are NOT. I would make it very clear to her that your decision will not change, and this will be the last conversation you are having about the matter. My first thought when reading this is that she is going to get you to say the girls can attend only the ceremony, then the day of there will be some sort of “issue” or some reason they cannot then be picked up, and they will be there for the reception.
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Expert February 2020
Givemeallthepups · on October 6, 2021 at 1:23 PM
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To confirm, your fiance's brother's children are traveling with them but will not be attending your wedding activities?
The next time your fiance's sister brings it up I would tell her that her children are welcome at your shower but not at the wedding ceremony or reception. I would also make it clear that you won't be changing your mind. If she references "you thinking about it" again, I would reiterate that you have thought about it and reiterate your decision.
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Expert October 2018
Janet · on October 6, 2021 at 1:24 PM
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While I think it's understandable why you let one family bring their kids, you are not sticking to your childfree (by definition) rule. Your FSIL is banking on that you bent the rules for his brother and wife, why not her and her SO.
So whatever you decide, you need to accept that there is the possibility that FSIL may not attend. Childcare is easier said than done (and throw in a 2 night stay away makes it harder), and hopefully the boyfriend and ex-wife are on good terms when it comes to the parenting agreement.
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Super July 2020
Cool · on October 6, 2021 at 1:52 PM
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Do the other two kids that you’ve agreed to have to attend the actual wedding? I get not leaving them for 10 days but can some sort of supervision be provided for them during the wedding? With such a small guest list, once you go from no-kids to some-kids it does not get received well.
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Super March 2022
JA · on October 6, 2021 at 1:55 PM
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So some people have found childcare for the duration of the 2 night stay, in the city that is about an hour from you? (I could be misunderstanding) If so, I would absolutely reach out to those parents and see if they are willing to help find childcare for your FHs brother's kids (the ones that live across the country) that way you can have a truly child free wedding.
Also, not sure if this is an option where the venue is, but you could also go to facebook groups and places like care.com and find a babysitter to come to the hotel rooms and watch the children while the event is taking place. yeah, the kids would still be around a bit, but they would be taken care of and not at the wedding.
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Expert June 2021
· on October 6, 2021 at 4:34 PM
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Because you agreed to some kids after stating the wedding would be kid free it will be a slippery slope and hopefully no other families find out and have an issue and also request for their kids to come. Since your fiancé’s sister knows you are allowing her brothers kids to come she is trying to get you to bend the rules for her as well. I also see her bringing the kids to the ceremony as a easy way of it turning into the children also staying for the reception because “something went wrong with their pick up arrangement and since they’re already at the wedding May as well let them stay for the rest.”
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Super November 2020
Natalie · on October 7, 2021 at 6:09 AM
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Truthfully I think you opened a can of worms by making an exception for the two children (assuming they’ll be at the wedding) but not the others, especially since they are all nieces and nephews. Picking and choosing whose children are worth the exception and whose are not can feel very personal and lead to a lot of hurt feelings, not matter how logical it seems. The only exception to this is children who are in the wedding party or children of the bride and groom themselves.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on October 14, 2021 at 12:00 AM
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I think the confusion stems from the fact that the boundaries have shifted from no kids to some kids and now a shower with (for?) the girls. At this point I don’t even really know how to advise, but technically if the girls are involved in the shower they should be invited to the wedding.
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