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Savvy June 2018

We got married at a court, but having wedding / ceremony this June. We are asking a friend to be our "officiant," how can we ask him?

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Karen, on February 26, 2018 at 4:24 PM

Posted in Planning 48

Hello – this is my first post here. I wanted to hear some opinions about my situation. I got engaged in September 2017, and got married in October 2017 at court house. Long story short, me and my “fiancé” (although he is now my husband), have always talked about getting married as soon as we are engaged so that he can file permanent residency for me. We have been wanting to move different state, but because I live in US under special skilled work visa, I wasn’t allowed to move and change job due to visa restriction. Me and my fiancé have decided to keep this to ourselves and chose to stay as “fiancé” until our wedding day, meaning we don’t consider the day we got married at the court is our “wedding” day. It wasn’t anything special, and the only reason we had to do this is because we wanted to file my permenant residency as soon as possible. We are going to have wedding on June 2018 inviting over 100 friends and families from all over the world to celebrate (my families are from Japan). We asked my fiance’s best friend to “marry” us to exchange our vows front of all our families and friends to make commitment for a life time. We are unsure how we can explain to him that we are technically already married through paper, but would like him to be our officiant ( I guess we can’t really call him officiant anymore, so how should we call him?) so he does not need to prepare any legally documents etc. It will still mean a lot to us that he will be doing a role to “marry us” front of all our friends and families.

Some people may say we shouldn’t lie to the guests or may think its better for us to tell everyone the truth, but we are not going to do that, unless they happen to ask. This is our decision as I already explained it above. I am only asking for advise that if you were in my shoe, how would you explain it to his best friend? I don’t want him to feel like its not a important role just because we are technically married already. What is the best way to approach him? Thanks!!!!

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48 Comments

Savvy June 2018
Karen · on February 27, 2018 at 5:28 PM
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Thanks for your comment. we talked to him last night, and he understood our situation and still offered us to perform the ceremony without hesitation. We are thankful that we have understanding friend.
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Dedicated July 2018
anna · on February 27, 2018 at 5:36 PM
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People freak about this, and I have no idea why. I’m doing the same thing, for multiple reasons. My FH asked his friend to perform the ceremony. We’re having the wedding in the UK (one of the reasons we are getting legally married first) and sometimes even locals have separate weddings and ceremonies because of their weird register laws. I’ve told everyone who’s coming, no one cares. We are living in different countries, and it feels like the ceremony will be actually binding us together. We are getting legally married in May, moving back to our separate countries, and then going to the UK for the ceremony, and then we are stuck together.
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VIP July 2018
AQuixoticBride · on February 27, 2018 at 6:31 PM
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I don't think anyone "freaks out" about people having a legal ceremony for whatever the reason and then having a symbolic one in front of friends and family later - and most certainly I'm sure we understand why for some people the one with friends and family would be meaningful. What most PPs take issue with is the deception, and I know my mother would be upset if I got married, didn't tell her and then had a ceremony like nothing happened, and then she found out I had already been legally married - much more upset than she would be if I were just honest with her in the first place.
@Karen, I'm glad you'll have your friend to do your ceremony! Best wishes!
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Devoted September 2019
stbmrs2019 · on February 28, 2018 at 8:11 AM
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Unfortunately sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Does it suck? Absolutely but that is life. The issue I have is the deception because it technically is by definition fraud. You are taking advantage of benefits given to those who are married while acting like you are not. I'm one of those people that I don't really care how you get married, just be honest with me. I dislike lying and anything to do with it. It goes against who I am.
Trust me, I've been with my FI now almost 9 years. There have been plenty of times where we could have gone off and gotten married at the courthouse or town hall. But we didn't because we knew how much it would have hurt our families. It's why, despite how much I just want a very small wedding, we are having our wedding next September with family and friends.
You can view it however you wish but it is still lying if not everyone knows. They will find out because the language is very different for a legal binding marriage and a non-legal binding marriage. Some people may feel hurt.
And also, most other countries this isn't frowned down on because their laws are much different than here in the States. Here in the States, you can do the legal part the same time as you do the rest. That's the great part of it. But just because it's common in other countries doesn't mean it's always acceptable anywhere else.
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Dedicated July 2018
Karen · on March 26, 2018 at 7:53 PM
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Original poster, stop listening to these people. You’re Japanese. I’m Chinese. I get it. In the entire country of China, not a single person has their ceremony the same day they go to the court house to get “legally married”, and not a single person considers the day they sign those papers their marriage date. Go with your culture and your beliefs. And yay for you for saying you are not asking if it’s right or wrong. This is a gray area that is dictated by culture. No one in my culture needs to say they are already legally married before their ceremony. It’s understood. Plus, I can’t even begin to count the number of friends I have who have had a full on wedding with ceremony here in the US and then went to China to have a full on wedding with ceremony there. No one batted an eye. I think the people on this forum want you to do what they think is right, which isn’t what you’re asking. Get your answer and run. No one can ever agree here. You’ll never finish fighting everyone and their opinions. Do what you want. Be you.
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