We Don't Want a Religious Wedding. FIL do...

I am in the same boat as you, though our parents have no say in the ceremony we have. I was raised Lutheran, FH isn't really religious. I asked our officiant to add some Lutheran aspects to our ceremony without making it uncomfortable with FH. I know this doesn't help much but maybe add a small prayer at the beginning or end?

Well, it is realistic to do that because you are the one who is getting married, not them. You need to find an officiant that will create the ceremony that you and FH want.

People need to stop pushing their religious beliefs on others. I don't even care who is "footing the bill". This is your marriage, not theirs. They need to respect that, end of story.

Yes! I'm totally in this situation. FH and I found an officiant who is sensitive to these kinds of things (where the families are religious but the couple getting married is not). She plans to make a ceremony that will work for that situation and something we are comfortable with. I think if you find an officiant similar to that, I think it might solve a lot!

Could you do something like ask your FIL to say grace before dinner? That way it's not part of the ceremony but there's still a small aspect of religion to the wedding.

My FH and I had this struggle with his family. Mine is not at all religious, his was somewhat, and he really has moved away from the church as well. Our ceremony was I initially going to be in the church, but due to some information we moved it to another location. We got so much heat and push back from this choice but we stayed united, consistently explained it was our wedding and our choice, and things have lightened up considerably. Now, as we get closer to the actually date things may get tense again but as long as you are both on the same page and express the positive for wanting something else it will be easier. Good luck!

Step one is to sit down and talk to them. Tell them exactly what you've just told us: "We went to this wedding last year and really loved it, and we want our wedding to reflect us and our journey, etc. etc. etc." They may surprise you.

If they don't, there are plenty of ways to incorporate religious elements into a non-church ceremony--but only if you want them.

Our ceremony was the most important part of our wedding for me. We would not have compromised on it, period. You can be tactful while still putting your foot down!

Edited: Full disclosure, we had a very religious ceremony. But if I wasn't religious, I wouldn't have compromised on that either.

Er.. Kinda.

We were raised Christian and the officiant is FH's uncle (who has done all of their weddings). When we spoke with him we told him we wanted to write our own vows, and also incorporate traditional vows.

It is really personal preference. It doesn't have to be the matter of 'he wants, she wants.' It needs to be what you want for YOUR wedding. The party is for the guests, the marriage is for you. If you are religious, then maybe incorporate that somewhere else. If not, then who cares as long as they are well hosted.

Yep, I am also trying to navigate those waters right now. It is strange because I did not grow up in a very religious household but my dad wants me to be married by someone from the church (even though him nor I go to church actively). It is a sticky situation but maybe if you have any friends that you know who can officiate your wedding just say that you really want them to do it because it is a personal connection and then make your vows how you want them.

Same, girl. We're just not making a big deal of the fact that our ceremony will be secular. If anyone asks for details, just say nothing is finalized yet.

Thank you everyone! It's so nice to know I'm not alone, and actually a lot of the advice so far has been really helpful! I showed all the responses to my FH (who was much more stressed than me) and he was actually pretty impressed and says he feels a lot better now knowing there may be a good middle ground. Thank you again! We will use a lot of these ideas!

I'm a Catholic mom. Sent my kids to catholic schools and made sure they all received all their sacraments. I was disappointed when my oldest daughter opted for a civil ceremony but I got over it. It was their day and their choice. I firmly believe God can exist in a marriage that takes place outside the church as well as be absent from one that takes place in the church. Now I'd be lying if I said I'm not ecstatic that my younger two daughters are being married in the church, but bottom line is its your choice and your parents and FIL's need to respect that.

I was worried I'd be in your boat. FMIL made hints allllll the time before we were engaged about how they attended a non-catholic wedding and how cousin so and so didn't have one and grandma was so disappointed! I made it very clear (politely) a long time ago that I was def not interested. When we went to cousin so and so's outdoor ceremony, I made many points to say how pretty it was and how much I liked it she hasn't said anything once we got engaged. I think FBIL also helped shut that down, though he did have a catholic ceremony for her though FSIL was not pleased.

There will be a lot of things that are "important to them" in regards to your lives as you go forward. You won't share all their values, and it may be painful for them. Best to get some practice now at making your own choices. I know it's not easy, but I think you'll be surprised, when your wedding day arrives, at how little it disturbs everyone's happiness.

If you don't want to have religion in your wedding, this is a great time to establish religious boundaries with all parents. This will come up again, especially if you plan to have any children.

Same situation

But my god father who is a judge is going to marry us instead. I still get comments from FMIL "oh but you should see the church again"

FH talked to her explained that this is more personal for us this way.

For a compromise for your FH maybe having readers do passages from the Bible?

Other way around...but kinda similar I guess.

We are religious and parents are of a different faith. my father asked if we were doing our wedding the way I was raised. My FH and I simply told him no we were of a different faith. I don't think anyone needs to pretend to believe something they don't. But that's very honorable of you how you seek to include your IL in some way. I am not sure what specifics you can do but there are some good tips on here.

So I grew up Catholic but drifted away from organized religion when I was in college. Before even getting engaged I would tell my mom that I wasn't going to get married in the church and it would upset her. Then my younger sister got pregnant (out of wedlock) and then a year or 2 later got engaged. Then she got pregnant again so they bumped the wedding up because it was initially planned to be like 2 weeks after she was due. Needless to say she didn't get married in the church due to the whole living in sin thing. After that my mom didn't seem to care as much that I wasn't going to get married in the Catholic Church haha

I am having my mom do a reading at the wedding and I'm letting her pick it out and told her it would ok with us if she picked something from the bible. So she's getting a little bit of religion in the ceremony, but I picked out a funny reading for FMIL to read (she's not religious) so I was ok with letting my mom do a bible verse if it makes her happy.

Our officiant offered us a God-lite ceremony (that's how he put it). My FH is not religious at all and I am a nondenominational Christian (former Catholic). My mother really wanted us to get married in a church, ANY church. But ultimately we opted to do what we wanted (no church wedding). I feel like choosing to do this God-lite ceremony is a nice compromise. Do you think this might be something that could pacify them?

FH's family is Polish Catholic. We were both raised Catholic with both of us firmly agnostic/atheist now. My family isn't religious in the slightest. My aunt is marrying us and his mother thinks we're going to hell. I genuinely wish you luck. This has been awful but we've stuck to our guns and I refuse to start our marriage with a lie or half-truth to make someone else happy.

Remember, when you make a vow make sure it's something you believe in. I personally refuse to do that to a god neither of us believe in. That would make it less truthful to me. It's about you and your FH. They already had their days.

I am facing the same because my FIL is apart of their family church and attends every Sunday but we told them that the church is not as much a big part in our lives as his and FH's side of the family. We do plan to include my FIL in the ceremony by having him read a reading of his choice regarding marriage (No matter how religious). It really is what you and FH want but so far you are not excluding their feelings so maybe just talking to them will work out too (: