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Expert July 2019

Vent!!!

Natalie, on May 25, 2019 at 3:45 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 22

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I’m sorry I just need to ugh! Vent! FH is completely confused and has no idea why I feel this way. So one of my bridesmaid called today and we had a nice chat she then asked if she can bring a plus one I said of course! To give you guys a little back story she has been on and off with her boyfriend I guess now ex boyfriend and I thought she was originally talking about him since a few months ago she told me she might bring him to the wedding then I said but we are asking people who are bringing a plus one to have them be a significant other (the reason we say this is we don’t want people bringing friends) she then started arguing that she isn’t in a relationship with him because she doesn’t want her family to be involved and know things but she needs him to come. I do want to note that this bridesmaid is my cousin so a bunch of family is going to be there and if he goes they will definitely know something is going on. After a while she threatened to not come to my wedding because I refused to let her have a plus one. 1 i never said no I just asked that they were in some kind of relationship for her to bring him along and 2 my wedding is in less than 40 days!! I already have enough stress on my plate I don’t need this too!. She then brought up her dog that she doesn’t have a sitter for it and that might be another reason why she won’t come. She has none about the wedding lonGer than she has had that dog At this point she was just looking for excuses to not come. I told her about the rover app that I have personally used for my 2 dogs and her response was nope don’t trust people. I tried to play it cool I said ok to let me know if she can make it or not and I reminded her the deadline to RSVP was tomorrow and if she can message her older sister (another cousin) to remind her about the deadline and her response was I’m probably not going to do that! So I told her not to worry about it I’ll take care of it. You hear stories like this from other brides and I never thought I would have a problem with any of my bridesmaids but I’m so sad that she is treating me this way and threatening not to come. Part of me wants to say screw it don’t come! FH keeps saying just tell her she can bring the guy but I never said no and I don’t want her to feel like she can get her way by threatening like that.

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22 Comments

Latest activity by Natalie, on May 27, 2019 at 1:27 AM

Savvy October 2019
Lauren · on May 25, 2019 at 8:23 AM
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Sorry you are so frustrated. You really dont need to be though. You cant dictate who a plus one is. Let her bring her friend. Make her feel welcomed. I guarantee the day you get married this plus one wont even be on your mind. Its not that serious!
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Dedicated January 2020
April · on May 25, 2019 at 9:45 AM
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I'm sorry you feel this way, it sounds frustrating. Since you didn't tell her explicitly that she couldn't bring the guy, tell her explicitly that she can. If she's already been given the permission of a plus one, allow them to come no matter her relationship with the plus one. If she just went through a breakup, she doesn't want to bring a date or new bf. She'd probably rather bring a friend whom she can dance and chat with who would keep her mind off the breakup while she's trying to put on a happy face at your wedding (a romantic setting that reminds her of what she doesn't have at the moment).
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Expert October 2021
Hillary · on May 25, 2019 at 9:51 AM
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So sorry she is being so difficult! Although, significant others aren’t plus ones. People in relationships should be invited as a whole. Plus ones are typically given to single people to bring whoever they want. Hope that helps! Good luck!!
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Dedicated November 2019
Yasmine · on May 25, 2019 at 10:23 AM
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Sorry you're dealing with so much stress! In fairness to her, it's a little out of line to dictate who people bring as plus ones. I wouldn't go to a wedding where I was told that I had to change how I handle personal relationship just to bring someone to a wedding.
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Expert July 2019
Natalie · on May 25, 2019 at 1:14 PM
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I’m sure I would like to bring someone to a wedding where I didn’t know anyone but we are paying for the whole thing ourselves (I’m still in college and we don’t have a lot of money) we are trying to keep it small and intimate to save on money we are also inviting mainly family and group of really close friends so no one will be alone. Everyone will know at least 5 people. Especially my cousin I talked about earlier who will have 1/2 of the guests be her family too We originally didn’t want to give anyone a plus one (except for married couples since I know they don’t count as a plus one they are a full package) but we also didn’t want to “dictate” if they are able to bring someone or not so we decided to allow people in a relationship to bring a plus one. We don’t want people to bring just anyone to our wedding since that will be extra money on people we will probably never see again if people bring someone who they are at least in a relationship with there’s a bigger chance we will see them again in the future and build a friendship with them too. Is it wrong to want to have a small intimate wedding where you know most of your guests and not have a bunch of strangers in your wedding?
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Expert July 2019
Natalie · on May 25, 2019 at 1:22 PM
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What stresses me out is the fact that she always throws a tantrum or threatens to not come whenever things don’t go her way. And I’m tiered of bending for her to make her feel “welcomed” There’s no rule that I need to give people a plus one if they arnt in a relationship. Since she is my cousin she will know a bunch of people since she is family. I don’t mind giving people in a relationship a plus one I just want to have a bunch of strangers at my wedding.
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VIP January 2020
Vicky · on May 25, 2019 at 1:59 PM
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It's wrong to exclude significant others based on that reasoning, yes.
You're mixing up terminology. A Plus One is someone that your guest can bring - anyone they want. They are given to single people or people who don't consider themselves in a specific relationship. If you give someone a Plus One with their invitation you as the host don't get to dictate who that Plus One can or cannot be. It is not required to provide single guests with a Plus One. However, people in relationships are not Plus Ones. They are part of a social unit and should always be invited to social events together. This isn't just true of married couples. Both halves of the couple should be invited by name.
Back to your bridesmaid/cousin - it's considered by many to be most appropriate to give members of the wedding party without a SO a Plus One, even if you are not giving other single guests Plus Ones. Did you tell her she could bring a guest? In this case she has a specific person she wants to bring and you've muddied the water enough by not saying either yes or no that I think you should tell her that she's welcome to bring him.
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VIP January 2020
Vicky · on May 25, 2019 at 2:00 PM
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Did you or did you not tell her that she can bring a guest?
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VIP September 2019
CDickman · on May 25, 2019 at 2:08 PM
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I am sorry you are going though this. However if you have the money in you budget to allow your cousin to bring the guy you thought was her boyfriend when you said yes. Suddenly you don’t when you don’t know the plus one. Unfortunately you can not say you can have a plus one but ONLY if it is this person.
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VIP September 2019
Melissa · on May 25, 2019 at 3:17 PM
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If you have extended her a plus one, you can’t really say who she can bring as that plus one. If she was in a relationship they should both be invited. If she’s single, let her bring whoever she wants. We are personally not giving plus ones to single guests unless they will not know anyone there. So my single cousins will be invited solo as they know half the people there. As for the threats, If she does it again, I would be like that’s fine, don’t come. That would be a weight lifted off my shoulders at this point with her drama.
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Dedicated November 2019
Yasmine · on May 25, 2019 at 3:21 PM
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I am having a small intimate wedding as well so I get where you're coming from but. It's not really anyone's business what kind of relationship she has with this guy. I get what you're saying but its her life and to say "you can bring this guy but only if you have X relationship with him" is overstepping.

However, I also think it's out of line to not give your BP plus ones if they're single. They are spending a lot of time and presumably money to celebrate you. I just think you're making this more than what it is. She is a bridesmaid and it sounds like she would have more fun with a plus one. If this was a cousin you aren't close to I'd say whatever. But if she's important enough to be in your BP, I really think your best bet is to let it go.
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Expert July 2019
Natalie · on May 26, 2019 at 11:35 AM
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That’s the thing I’m not excluding significant others in any way. I’m asking for significant others. When I sent her the invite she wasn’t in any relationship and told me she wouldn’t want to bring anyone so I didn’t add one her invite she asked to bring a plus one a day before the RSVP deadline if she can bring this person. And I said sure as long as it’s a significant other
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Expert July 2019
Natalie · on May 26, 2019 at 11:42 AM
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I mentioned before that the part that I don’t like is her throwing tantrums and threatening not to come whenever something doesn’t go her way. the only thing she is paying for is the dress which is $60 her accommodations have been payed for by my dad and my dad will drive her for 8 hours to get to my state. My dad will feed her on the drive we will feed everyone else the day before the wedding, the day of the wedding, and the day after the wedding. And she usually never buys gifts so it’s not like she will be spending money there either. I don’t see how that’s over stepping? We arnt giving anyone a plus one unless they are in a relationship including her.
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Dedicated November 2019
Yasmine · on May 26, 2019 at 12:00 PM
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Hey, you gotta do you. I'm just saying, ESPECIALLY for a wedding 8 hours away, I would not be thrilled if I was not given a plus one.
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VIP January 2020
Vicky · on May 26, 2019 at 2:37 PM
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Is the person she wants to bring her on-and-off boyfriend?
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Expert July 2019
Natalie · on May 26, 2019 at 4:44 PM
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What does the distance of the wedding have to do with her bringing someone?
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Expert July 2019
Natalie · on May 26, 2019 at 4:47 PM
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Doesn’t seem like it. She said she hasn’t talked to the on and off guy in months.
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Dedicated November 2019
Yasmine · on May 26, 2019 at 4:53 PM
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I personally wouldn't want to travel 8 hours to a wedding where I wasn't given a plus one and don't have the comfort of bringing someone with me.
Like I said, you have to do you. I just think it's worth keeping in mind that while you obviously would be comfortable in her position, not everyone would be.
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VIP January 2020
Vicky · on May 26, 2019 at 7:58 PM
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So you don't know who she wants to bring?
Look, you already told her she could bring someone, based on an assumption you were making. Now you're trying to backpedal and add restrictions. She's your cousin, she's your bridesmaid, and she's traveling 8 hours to your wedding. Just let her bring him. You're muddying the waters here. She asked. You said of course. Everything else is just unnecessary complication and drama.
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Master October 2017
karen · on May 26, 2019 at 8:08 PM
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Were you clear with her? Your OP seems to say you said yes to plus one. I would have said, we are not giving plus ones, but if you have a significant other, he is invited.
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