Urgent advice

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I don't have any kids myself, so I'm not the best judge. But based no the circumstances, I do agree with you. Although I think children should absolutely see their parents as often as possible, you've been very considerate since your breakup and haven't asked for anything. You can file for custody, which I'm certain you'd get primary custody, and set up visitation arrangements if need be. At that point I'm sure it would boil down to who's weekend is it. Obviously that would be a long and tough process and I'm not encouraging that, I'm just saying if he were going to fight you about it you'd most jellylike end up "winning". If he doesn't make that much effort and his fiance hasn't even met your son/doesn't really know your son, why even have him there?!

It might be weird, but could you attend with your son? That way you know he is watched after and then you can head out after all the "big" stuff is done. You son might want to go but may not feel comfortable being around people that are essentially strangers. I'm assuming he isn't part of the ceremony since the wedding is this weekend.

Hi there, I have two kids with my ex husband and we have an extremely contentious relationship. My knee jerk reaction to this is "there's no harm here." But after reading some of your other responses I'm going to lean on the side of agreeing with you. It doesn't appear that SHE has a relationship with your child either. Does your 4 year old have a relationship with the other people at the wedding? And who's going to watch him?

While I would typically feel that kids should be an important included part of their parents subsequent marriages, this isn't always true. It doesn't sound like he would know what to do with him during the ceremony or reception and it really does sound like it's just a photo op.

From single parent to single parent, I highly suggest you get a court order for support as well as a written legal custody arrangement ASAP. This isn't to cover you it's to cover your child. Because little incidents like this can be used down the road to construe that you've alienated your child from his father which probably isn't true.

Does your son have any relationship with any of your ex's family (Aunt, grandparent, friend, etc.)? If your ex is the only person your son knows there, it would be very uncomfortable for him to be with strangers all day. If there is a responsible adult besides your ex that he can go with and can take care of him, then I would let him go. Your ex is going to be too busy to watch him himself.

I know I commented earlier but I just have to say...it sounds to me like you asked a question, but really you only wanted affirmation that the course you were planning to take is ok. I do feel like you need to understand the ramifications.

As someone with a really good co-parenting relationship, let me tell you- this isn’t how you accomplish it. This is how you set up for drama. At 4 perhaps a strong co-parenting relationship isn’t important, but let me tell you that by the teen years it becomes invaluable.

Also, you need a custody order. At least in my state, without a custody order either parent is entitled to do what they want with the child. Meaning if your ex were to take your son for the day and not bring him back, the authorities have no way to help because he is just as responsible for making decisions as you are.

Last thing, when you do go to get a custody order (because seriously I can’t stress enough how sketch it is not to have one), things like keeping your child from his dad’s wedding could look bad for you. Your ex could use that as a reason why you having primary custody will hurt him- because you don’t consider his needs. You call it a photo op, and *even if* that’s all it is- why wouldn’t he want his child in his wedding photos? You would.

I really urge you to think about what this plan will look like not just this weekend, but also next year and down the road.

For those advocating that the OP let her son go to this wedding, please consider this: her ex, the four-year-old's father, has had minimal contact with his son for half of his son's young life. This child has never met the wife-to-be, therefore we can safely assume he doesn't know any of her family or friends, either. OP has stated that her ex doesn't speak with his family, therefore we can also assume they won't be at the wedding (although it also sounds as if they have no relationship with the child anyway). So unless the OP can also attend with her son, would you really suggest she allow this little one to spend most if not all of a day away from his mom and with a crowd of strangers? How on earth is that in his best interest? How would you have felt in that situation at four years old? Would you want to be taken to the bathroom by a stranger? Aren't we always teaching our children not to interact with strangers?

As for establishing a good co-parenting arrangement, it sounds as if OP has been trying to do just that, but "daddy" can't be bothered to put in any more effort than to show up a couple of times a week and sit on his phone while his son watches tv or plays by himself in the same room.

This is not the situation to push the son into. He's not a prop. If dad ignores him one-on-one, does anyone really, truly think he's going to be giving him the attention he needs on wedding day? I've got a bridge for sale.

I am not a mom but many of my close friends have dealt with some pretty crappy father's. While your concerns are 100% legitimate, I think the child should go. Children are smart and they need to develop their own opinion on their father. My guess is, your son will be grow to know why you were the one always around and grow to appreciate your willingness to still try to allow the father in his life. My fear is, if you cut off contact and requests for then to see each other, your son may resent you which definitely happens...even if you just wanted the best.

View Quoted Comment Pam, while I deeply appreciate everyone’s comments whether they side with me or not, I feel some didn’t catch all of what you just stated. Everything you just said is the sole reason I feel my son shouldn’t be involved at all since his “father” isn’t involved much in his little life. I wish I could spill every detail to much there’s just way too much drama his father has for himself and although you and the rest of these women commenting have commented and shared their wisdom, I know you must all have very busy lives and can’t read everything I have to say. Going back to the situation at hand, and as some of the other women have mentioned, my son knows no one on his father’s side of the family as my ex told me when we met they had a falling out and so I never met his parents or any relative for that matter and so my son hasn’t either. Also, since my son has never met his father’s wife to be and therefore never established a relationship with her, I feel it’s just not right to toss my son into the mix on actual wedding day. Not to mention the fact that for the past few months when he has come to visit my son, he gives my son his phone to occupy him (which I can’t stand) so that he can tell me all about his girl problems and ask me to help him get rid her! He’s even gone so far as to ask me to pretend we got back together and to meet her to show her that we got back together which I didn’t agree to. How insane is that! To play with someone feelings like that, knowing she’s planning their wedding, and paying for it all because she has money apparently. I’m sorry but I just cannot take his wedding seriously knowing everything he’s done and said to me to try and get himself out of it. And now all of a sudden because he’s too much of a coward to tel her know he’s going through with it and wants my son to attend. I’d feel I’d be a horrible mother to subject my son to such an event when none of its real. My ex may play with other people emotions and feelings but I’m not going to let him do that to my son, he’s way too special to be treated like that!

View Quoted Comment I completely understand that but my situation is a bit different. When we split he no longer wanted to stay in the apartment we lived in and instead rented a room from a friend. He never wanted to take my son over there and so I allowed him to come visit my son whenever he wanted to. I even took him to visit his father at his work once a week because I felt bad he was only able to come visit my son once a week since he was always busy with work. That lasted about a year until he quit that job and so I’ve never not allowed him to see come see him. He just doesn’t do it very often. I would have loved for my ex to get his own place, have my son over a few days a week so we can establish a routine and we can co-parent together. But as of now, I dont feel my ex knows how to be a parent since he has never tried with our son when he comes over, all he does is visit and that pretty much consists of watching a movie, which I strongly dislike. Why can’t he do his workbooks with him or practice his letters/numbers and actual spend quality time with him? I just feel my son’s father should have tried to be more of a father before starting a life with someone else.

Can you come to a compromise?

As a mom, I 100% understand your reservations about him attending. As a mom who also has to co-parent, I’m going to warn you that you’re playing a potentially dangerous game. What happens when his new wife who has money (according to him) helps him lawyer up and take you to court for full custody. At best, you’d get joint custody and your son would immediately begin spending every other weekend at their house. At worst, they may be able to prove that you’ve been alienating his father by not allowing him to take him anywhere/not allowing him to attend their wedding. It may sound ridiculous, but I’ve seen people lose custody for a lot less.