Urgent advice

Sounds very tough. I’m not a mom but I do understand it’s important for your son to establish the relationship with the new woman. Also, for you to get to know her. However, despite your very important concerns - my questions are: Does your son love him? Is he excited to be with his dad? Does him and his dad get along? If so, then having him there may be important. The reason I say this is because what if him and this woman works out. The last thing you want is for your son to miss out on this experience and look back as a teenager and resent you for not allowing him to attend. Children in their teenage years don’t seem to process the “in your best interest” conversations. Also, at 4, your son won’t even process the marriage. He’ll only process that he’s with his dad which if your answers are yes to the above questions then he as a 4 year old would care less about a marriage and new woman anyway. However, If the father only wants him there for a photo op, won’t maintain a relationship with him afterwards then you may opt to not have the son attend. But also prepare for the father to resent you and take it out on your son. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer to this. Both scenarios have their pros and cons. I, personally, don’t factor in the personal feelings that you share towards his indecision and I don’t think you should either because the reality is - he’s moving forward with the wedding anyway. So, that shouldn’t be a factor. The thoughts that should determine your decision should solely be the effect it will have on your son. Will dad be mature enough to get over his son not being there? Will this hurt the relationship between him and his son? Hope this helps.

While I understand and agree with your concerns, you can’t stop his father from doing dumb things. Unfortunately, unless you have some information about this woman being abusive or neglectful towards your son, you really don’t have any grounds to not permit your ex from including him in the wedding.

I get it. I have a son with my ex too, and he does some really dumb stuff. He’s made some really bad relationship choices as well, but none of that is my business until it effects my son. You can’t bet on the relationship not lasting (no matter how right you may be) as a reason to stop your son from being in his fathers life. You also don’t get to approve the women he sees, and he does not need your approval to marry someone else. If you have lingering feelings for your ex, and whatever ones he has for you, that’s something that needs to be separate from your son. You’re not together anymore. Neither of you get any say in the others life. Unless it directly involves your son, how you feel about things is moot.

I also highly recommend getting a custody agreement and child support order through the court. The two of you can agree to whatever you agreed to initially, but having it signed through the court will give you a lot of security. It will ensure that your ex continues to provide for your son no matter what. It doesn’t matter that you can provide on your own, this is for his benefit. What happens if something changes as far as your financial security? You won’t be able to fight for past due money. If you don’t need it, put it in savings for college. A court order will also give you protection if he decides to up and move across country with the new wife and take your son without telling you. With no court order, this could be completely legal depending on what state you live in. There’s a lot of shady stuff people can do, and without a court order you don’t really have any grounds to complain (if it’s not blatantly illegal) if there’s no custody agreement.

Bottom line is it’s not about you or how you feel. It’s about what’s best for your son. You can feel his fathers relationship is going to fail, but is it really in the best interest of your son to keep him from the wedding? It could actually work out. And if you’re right, he can see how his father bounces back from a failed relationship. There’s always lessons to learn and kids notice everything. The last thing you want is your child picking up on you keeping him from his dad.

Please don’t make the situation about you and your ex. It should be about your son. If he, or his wife to be, hadn’t abused or harmed your son in any way, then I think he should attend the wedding if his dad wants him there.

I have kids with my ex husband and I’m not fond of some of the women he dates, but as long as they are nice to my boys, then there’s no issue.

I work with children and while they are a lot more perceptive than most people think they are at that age, they are also incredibly innocent and don’t process things the way adults do. I would sit your son down and explain everything that’s going to happen, and explain that his dad and marrying another lady because he loves her and wants to be a family with her and with him. Like others have said, not including him cu his dad is dumb isn’t fair. I understand the child support thing, but you also haven’t taken him to court, so I would say you both dropped the ball on that one. Is there a way you could go too just to be with your son? I know you probably don’t want to, but he and his wife will be so busy it might be for the best of an adult is there with your son.

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I couldn't agree with all of this more.

Even if your ex was in the most loving and amazing relationship with his fiancee, your 4 year old isn't going to fully understand the importance of marriage as he is only 4. The fact that your ex's relationship isn't the most loving and amazing relationship shouldn't even be considered when determining if the child attends the wedding because his father's relationship with the fiancee has no bearing on his relationship with his son. Yes, it is dumb for your ex to marry someone else when he claims he still has feelings for you, but to allow that to effect your son is unreasonable. It also doesn't matter how quickly he moved on from you. The only thing that says to me is that you're jealous he moved on. The bigger concern is that your son doesn't know this woman. Since this is a wedding, my guess is that your ex's family will be attending so your son's grandparents will likely be there. If your son has any time of relationship with his father's family then he should be able to attend and spend time with that side of the family. The other issues like child support and visitation should have been worked out in court. There is a reason courts handle these types of things. Just because you are financially stable now doesn't mean that situation couldn't change or just because he doesn't have full custody now doesn't mean he won't want to in the future. If it were me, I would be going to an attorney ASAP to have a custody agreement worked out and child support established.

I think the root of the issue here is that in this entire post, you referred to the child as "MY son". You never said "OUR son", and that's what he is, he is both of yours (regardless of the dumb things he's done). I agree with PP's that you can't let your history with your ex impact his relationship with HIS son. Your ex has every right to have his son at his wedding, whether you know/approve of the woman or not.

First, YOU must go to court. Get child support on the record.

View Quoted Comment This 1000%

Child support and visitation are two different things. Money should never be considered when fostering a loving relationship between your son and his dad.

This situation sucks, and I can see your concerns...but you have no right to keep your son from his Dad’s wedding as a result. I’m sorry.

The hardest part about being split from your child’s parent is having to relinquish control of their lives to a person who is no longer your partner. It isn’t easy and you can seek intervention in the case of abuse, but for just dumb parenting moves you don’t have any recourse. When the time comes that you find someone else you will not want your ex having any say over your household.

So if you don't like the other women your son will never meet her?

I can't speak from personal experience, but I can say if I were in your shoes I would agree with your hesitations. I don't think it's necessary for your son to be there. he's too young to really understand what's going on. And he doesn't really even know the woman your ex is marrying so it's kind of weird for him. I think your son might be uncomfortable as you wouldn't be there and there would be a bunch of people he doesn't know. Plus if your ex hasn't made much effort to be a true father to your son, I don't necessarily think he deserves to have your son there. I think it's totally your call since you're the one caring for him.

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100% this! I have a 15 year old son with my ex (we split when he was 2.5). He has never paid child support and I never took him to court for it. I selfishly didn't want to have court ordered time that I had to give up my son and I was financially able to care for him without child support. However, his dad and I co-parent extremely well and I would never dream of keeping them apart. I have always said that I want my son to think his dad is the best thing in the world because that is what's best for him. He's a great guy and he's had more relationships in the last few years than I've probably had my entire life. His love/dating life has nothing to do with me so the only thing I ever say about it is to ask my son if he's met the new girl and what he thinks of her. My son's dad and I are FB friends and see each other frequently since my son is a very active basketball player (basketball is year round in Indiana ).

I'm not at all suggesting that our situation is normal or would work for most people. I think court ordered custody and child support agreements are extremely important. I also think it's important to start thinking of him as your son's father instead of your ex. Your relationship with him has nothing to do with your son's relationship with him.

I wouldn't let him attend unless I was there. He's FOUR. He's spent at most 2 hours a week with his father for half of his life. That's barely over 200 hours out of two YEARS. To put him in a situation where he knows virtually no one, where there will be presumably a lot of people, noise, and alcohol is not in his best interest. His father has made no effort for his FW to meet him. Best thing would be for father, new wife, you, and your son to spend time together until your son feels comfortable enough with them to spend time with them on his own.

Wow! Thank you all for responding so quickly. Although I don’t fully agree with some I do appreciate you taking the time to read my post and offer your insight. Brandi, I feel that his confusion about whether or not he should marry her has a lot to do with my decision to allow my son to attend. She’s the one paying for the wedding and putting in all the work, and behind her back he’s asking me if we can work things out and if so he’ll call everything off. What kind of man does that? And since I turned him down he’s going through with it. I would be a complete idiot to take him back after all the crap he’s put me through. I wish he would have put my son first and established an actual relationship with him before involving someone else into the mix. He rarely sees my son, and yes Amber I keep referring to him as my son because since birth I’ve done everything for my son. His dad may be biologicallg related but doesn’t deserve the title as he’s not put in any effort into actual parenting. He thinks visiting for an hour here and there’s while being on his phone most of the time is him paying his dues. If he spent actual quality time with him, playing and teaching him things and making the effort to being involved in his life, then I probably would be feel differently about letting him be involved in the wedding. However, I just can’t help but feel he only wants my son there as Brandi said, as a photo op, and to make it seem like he’s thing great dad. Not only is the wedding extremely rushed and he’s only going through with it because I turned him down (his words not mine). My only concern is how this affects my son. And as most of you said, most 4 years old won’t even pay attention but this kid is wise beyond his years and he understands everything. He may not remember the event down the line but right now I feel him witnessing this and being involved will only confuse him as he’s hasn’t really been a part of his father’s life. My other concern is who will be watching and taking care of my son while is Dad is occupied as I’m sure being the groom he will be extremely busy. Whose going to make sure he fed and goes to the bathroom with him? My ex isn’t what you call a hands on Dad and hasn’t done many fatherly duties. Veronica mentioned my ex’s family attending and my son missing out on spending time with them. My ex doesn’t talk to his family, I never met his family when we were together and my son has never either so his only grandparents are my parents. So if my son did go to the wedding he will be surrounded by complete strangers other than his dad.

View Quoted Comment I couldn’t agree more. I was beginning to think no one thought the same as I did. Thank you Tara for replying🙏

View Quoted Comment Thank you for seeing eye to eye. Just because biologically he’s his son shouldn’t give him the right to have there. Had he been a true father to him these last few years and spent more time with him I would feel differently. Just wish he would have respected my request to introduce me to who he brings around my son, establish a relationship with the person and then involve my son in the wedding.

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I'd be hesitant to allow him to go because like you said, who will watch him. He'll need someone to feed him, take him to the bathroom, take care of him if he runs across the dance floor and slips and bumps his head, etc. I don't think your ex realizes he'd need to be with your son the entire time. I just attended a wedding where the bride and groom had 3 kids, the grandparents and aunts and uncles took turns watching them the entire time. If your son is shy at all this would be his worst nightmare.

However, I would compromise and see if your ex would allow you to bring your son to the ceremony and be present during photos and then take him home. This way your son is safe and supervised, there's no regrets later on about him missing this, and your ex can see his son on his big day.

View Quoted Comment These seems like a good compromise. I would be concerned on who would watch him during the wedding.