Update: in-law disappointment

I very rarely bring this story up because I feel that most situations are not as severe as this. But yours is pushing it, so I'll share.

My mom dealt with exactly what you dealt with -- but it got much, much worse over time. My dad's mother (we'll call her Mary) repeatedly berated her, told everyone not just in her family but in their town about how awful my mom was, and literally made her life a living hell. Mary was never quiet about the fact that my dad was not her favorite kid, but she suddenly loved him when she found out my mom would be "taking him away." What she really wanted was control.

My parents ended up secretly eloping. They don't regret it, though.

My mom was still in tears all the time, severing relationships with everyone just trying to please Mary even after my parents eloped. Then suddenly, after my parents had been married for 5 years and were pregnant with their first child (me!), they decided to tell her enough was enough. What happened? Well, Mary suddenly accused her husband, her husband's father, and my father of sexual abusing my dad's sisters. It was terrifying for my mom, because she'd never heard this before and didn't know who to believe. Not to mention, she was about to have a daughter.

Turns out, Mary made it all up. And she did it again. And again. And again. Once, she got my cousin taken by child protective services because of her lies. She ended up getting custody of all my dad's sisters' kids (her grandkids), because CPS gave them to her after her accusations (how?! i'll never know). Court proved that NONE of what Mary said was true, but Mary never got charged for falsely accusing these men and traumatizing these children.

It was all about having control for her.

When I was 8 years old, my parents cut them and that entire side of the family out of our lives because Mary wanted so much control that she was trying to get me and my siblings taken away from my parents, who, by the way, are so smart and loving and NEVER abused me, my sister, or my brother. But that didn't stop her from wanting control. She makes fake social media accounts to stalk us, tries to call us, sends letters, and has even tried to contact my FH, who has never even met her (I was 8 when we stopped talking to them! This was before social media was even a thing!). We have to have security at our wedding because more than 12 years later, they won't leave us alone. And for some reason, everyone in her family (her husband, my dad's sisters) has gone along with it!!

If she's anything like Mary, your FMIL will never change. Your only option may be to cut off that entire side of the family. I hope that's not the case, but I just want you to know that you aren't alone. Some people just cannot change. And there's no point living your life worrying about pleasing someone who will never be satisfied, and only make your life miserable. You and your FH deserve better than that.

If I were you, I would be done with them and save yourself the headache. Have a beautiful ceremony with only your nearest and dearest -- it doesn't need to be huge to be special. It's still your wedding day, and it will be so much better if they aren't there.

I wish you only the best.

Wow! I remember reading your original post and not having any good advice to give that was different than what is already there.

Right now I am only going to tell you what I would do. I am not a person who can deal with confrontation well and I hate conflict, I always try to avoid it. These are not healthy qualities but I am who I am. I would really sit down and talk with the FH and see if he would be okay with eloping. To me the most important person who is going to be there is your FH so if he is okay with doing a court house wedding or an elopement weekend at a bed and breakfast then I say go for it.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is totally awful.

This is so awful, for both you and your poor FH. You shouldn't have to deal with this hateful family, but for him to be put in this position is really hard. What are his thoughts here? Is he prepared to walk away from them? That won't be easy but it may be what has to be done if you guys are going to survive this. It sounds so cut and dried but this has to be really emotional for him too. I think if I were him, I would make one last ditch effort to get through to them. He needs to make it clear that the two of you are a unit and that if they want to continue a relationship with him, they need to start treating you with respect. If they can't do that, they shouldn't expect to see either of you. Him going on his own is not an option. What, you're going to separate for holidays? Even if you did that, then he had to hear all about how awful you are, this would not be better. He needs to let them know that he making his own choice, and that he WILL CHOOSE you over them, if it comes to that.

ETA: are you still living with each of your parents? Can he come and stay with you at yours, or can you get your own place together? That show of solidarity may drive the point home.

Absolutely. I hope it doesn't come to that for you either, but if it does, you'll be okay! You and FH are strong and can rise above her antics.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's totally unfair and so heartbreaking to think that you're future in-laws are treating you in this way. Has your fiancé tried planning a meeting with your fmil to talk to her about what's going on? I don't think it's up to you anymore to try and reach out to any of your in-laws, but it's better coming from your FH.

Here's what I think: you could elope and try and forget all the issues that happened, but unless your FH is planning to cut all ties with his family, you'll both eventually have to face them again and it might make matters worse when they know they weren't invited to the wedding, and may even spread even more lies about you and how you convinced him to turn his back on his family (obviously that's not what I think your intention is, but they may interpret it that way).

My preference is always to rebuild rather than deteriorate, especially when it comes to family, because like it or not, they'll always be there somehow. But this needs to come from your FH as it's his immediate family and he can say things to them that you would never be able to. He needs to stand up for you (as I'm sure he already is) by letting his mom know that if she doesn't drop the attitude and disdain towards you, she'll be pushing him further away, because she needs to understand that his priority is YOU. He can put the ball in her court by telling her she needs to make amends, and it's up to her if she wants to continue to have any kind of relationship with him.

He can also tell her about what’s happening from your point of view, and let her know that all you really want is peace so that you can all get along, but by spreading lies and hurtful comments, there is no way this can happen. He could also sit down and speak heart-to-heart with each of his family members, as it's important they listen to him and see his genuine desire for reconciliation.

If after that they all refuse to listen and to be stubborn, at least you can say that you absolutely tried to give them a chance to come back into your life. You will be able to look back and say that you both honestly tried your best to return things to normal but they wouldn't have it. This will at least keep your conscience clear and they will be the ones who will have to answer for their actions.

Good luck with everything, I will send a prayer your way!

Is your FS willing to make that choice? I don't think she's going to change and nothing you ever do will be enough, nothing.

FH and I almost had to make a similar choice. His mom was absolutely horrible to me. My FH's mom and dad were emotionally and physically abusive to each other their whole marriage. In December, we moved in because his mom and dad were both disabled and she had broken and dislocated her ankle.

My FFIL and I got along and his mom and I were alway pleasant but never close. His dad died unexpectedly right before NYE. Because we lived together and she couldn't do much, things didn't go well. I never did things the right way and she couldn't physically do them. I packed a bag a few times, she screamed at me, called me the worst names and once almost even hit me. It was never about leaving him but leaving her. We gave up so much to move into help her. I accepted her apologies but frankly mostly just to keep whatever peace we could manage.

She died unexpectedly in February. It has been very hard on FH, losing his parents so quickly but he has admitted that not having to deal with her stress and abuse has been a relief.

No one is owed a relationship. Just because they raised you doesn't mean someone is allowed to be abusive. I don't think this is a choice you can make for him, he has to make it for himself. (I don't think you are, but it needs to be said)

If you guys want a small wedding, have a small wedding but hire security and don't post details online. People will choose and it might not be pretty but you guys are choosing to build a life and a family together.

This is a terrible situation to be in. I'm sure your FS is torn. I hope he is in a safe living situation as well. Just be there for him and let him process what he needs to. It will not be easy either way.

ETA: if he decides to still have a relationship with them, he needs to make it perfectly clear to everyone that you guys are a package deal. If they want him there, you will be there. Same goes if you guys have kids, they can't expect to just invite him and the kids.

Girl just elope. No *sane* family member or friend would question why at this point.

I do suggest that, if you haven't already, maybe you should feel out FH in terms of severing relationships. Obviously this is insanely tricky and nobody can tell you how to go about it unless they know the two of you, but let me just tell you..... one of my best friends went through something VERY simliar with her now ex-MIL and now even HE is making her life a living hell because he ultimately chose his family over her. Now probably only God knows the entirety of the slander they're spreading around town.

I had a loving ex-almost-MIL go crazy in less psycho but still similarly annoying ways when an ex-FI and I discussed moving closer to my parents and further away from her. He was such a "mommy's boy" about the whole thing and kept choosing her over me, to the point that I just nipped it in the bud and said goodbye..... to all of them. Harsh, but now I found the man I am actually *supposed* to spend the rest of my life with. Anyway, I'm definitely not telling you to get rid of your FI. He's obviously wonderful!!!! My little story here is more just solidarity, and more proof (not that you even need it, but here you go) that your FI is great and that I am confident you two will be able to figure it out no matter what!

....But yeah. Check into eloping via cruise. Then you won't even have to pay for security!

I am so sorry that the situation is getting worse for you and your FH. It breaks my heart to hear that his other family members are enabling his mother. The first thing that I would do is take a little break from wedding planning. The next thing that I would do is to go to counseling with your FH. It really sounds like you and your FH are a wonderful team. I would still suggest counseling, because if you do sever ties with his family then your FH might need that outlet to express how he is feeling and dealing with those emotions. After some time in counseling maybe you will have a better idea of how you would like to move forward with not only the wedding, but dealing with FH's family. I wish you the very best of luck and I hope you will keep us updated on the situation.