Unsupportive Mom

(cont.) for us not but it always turns in to a fight. I hate to say it but I might just have to stop telling her things I want to do and let it all be a surprise on the big day.

Is there anyone else out there with this issue? How are you handling the situation?

That sounds really tough. It sounds like she has a lot of ideas about how things "should" be and doesn't know how to be flexible...and maybe she's trying to protect you in her own way and make sure that you do things "right."

Is there a way you can give her a big project to manage, something you don't care about too much, so she'll be distracted by that and won't have to weigh in on all your little details? Like what if you give her complete control over the rehearsal dinner? Can you tell her that this is the way that your fiance, or your fiance's mom or someone wants to do the guestbook, and get away with it that way?

I'm not sure these ideas will be very helpful...maybe someone else will have thoughts.

I have the opposite problem...my mother is very hands off, and kind of too busy to make any suggestions at all!

I've struggled a little with my mom, too. I call her Momzilla. She called my yesterday with a 50 song play list she has researched and designed from as soon as people arrive to our last dance (I'm not even doing a last dance!) Not to mention out taste in music is a bit different. And I bet she has cold me 12+ times to discuss the cake. I really don't care about the cake, I would prefer a sweets table.

Although she is not really negative, just too involved. A whole playlist, sheesh! Thank you, but no thank you...

Sorry, I went off on a rant and didn't help you any.

I think you should calmly explain to her that weddings are different now, than when she was married. Many traditions are being dropped and the couple try to make their events more personal. And firmly remind her that she had her wedding and now you would like to have yours without judgement. That usually works for me.

BTW, love the idea of your guest book!

@Ashleigh I always rant too and i'm like " oh right advice"

For me it's my dad....he insists we have a traditional cake and a whole bunch of other stuff...but really he's paying half of it sooooooooooooo ahhhhhh sigh

I agree with you! stop telling your mom what you are going to do unless you want it shot down.

next time the groom comes up with a idea you don't want to do, bring it to mom so she can reject it

I know your pain. My mother is completely unsupportive of my wedding. She keeps telling me marriage is the worst thing anyone could ever do and that it is just a waste of money. She doesn't want to help us and I'm pretty sure she probably doesn't even want to come to the wedding. My dad died when I was young so not have her support really sucks. Its just something I've had to learn to deal with and honestly does not really anything that can be done about it :-(

I love your guestbook idea. And, you have the addresses from the invites, and what good is the guestbook 10 or 20 years from now then when people have moved?

She's probably just really stuck in the old fashioned traditional wedding ideas.

I'd leave her out of your ideas for now. If she starts to ask why, you can be honest and tell her!

I tried to give her control over the rehearsal dinner. I told her what I was thinking about doing and that she could handle setting it all up. She thought it was too much money to spend to do a private room at a restaurant and she could do it all at home. It's not her money!! I think I'll just give her the reigns for the rehearsal and have to live with it sorry for the small pity party but I'm just really hurt by the whole situation and this is the first time I've talked about it. Thanks ladies for the support

I do not get along with my mother, I do not like her. Honestly, at this point in time, she does not even know that FH and I are engaged, and I quite frankly intend for her to find out when they get an invitation.

This will be my second wedding. In my first, my mother attempted to "redecorate" the reception area (church basement) with HAPPY BIRTHDAY decor. Seriously. Now, when she sees or hears anything wedding related and I'm around, she likes to remind me of things from my first wedding, even though she knows how much I hate my ex, how abusive he was, and how much I just want that part of my past to die. I know she will, at my wedding, probably be sitting there making snide comments about my wearing a wedding gown, having a big wedding, etc. She will also likely try to compare everything to my first wedding. FH and I have even discussed this, and I expect to have to have someone watch her to keep her from attempting to "redecorate" the church or reception venue (cont)...

...this time. The only reason I am honestly inviting her, is because I do want my dad there. I love my dad, though sadly he won't stand up to my mother, so trying to talk to him about any of this is useless. Plus, he's currently going through radiation treatment for cancer, and honestly he doesn't need the extra stress, as my mother's constantly talking about him dying (to him!) all the time.

It sucks to have a mother that isn't really a mother. I would have loved to be able to have a mom that I could take dress shopping, or ask her opinion, or any of those things, but she has made it absolutely impossible, and even tries to make me feel guilty for the feelings she has caused. I just remember that it will be FH and my day, that the people most important to FH and I will be there and happy for us (my brother is ecstatic I found someone so good to me!) and if she causes problems, I guess I'll just have someone help her find her way out!

I totally feel your pain. I told my mom we were having a band and she proceeded to rant for (not exagerating) an entire hour with me barely getting a word in. She has come up with all kinda of ideas that make no sense from decorating my pinewood chapel with jars of sand and seashells (we are having a wooden and pine cone wedding) to literally building a nest to take pictures of me and FH to symbolize us "building our nest together" and she gets really offended when I don't like her ideas and isn't willing to talk them out.

I gave her a task (like someone suggested) and it has been a struggle so I wouldn't necessarily take that route. I've just stopped telling her as much as possible... Until she freaks out and says "and we still need to do xyz!!" And I say "taken care of already, mom"

I feel your pain on this one! my mom is the same way!!! nothing i come up with is ever right or she "needs to rethink that". we don't really have the same taste on anything and so we butt heads alot. basically, i've just stopped including her on everything. i was asking her opinion on everything before i did it, such as vendors or decor. now...i just go ahead and do it. if she whines later about it or gets upset, i just walk off or go home. i think she's getting the point.

Ignore it. There's nothing else you can do. Let the crap roll right off your shoulders. What I've learned is that if someone always has a comment about my plans, I just don't tell them anything anymore. It's a guest book for crying out loud!

I have one if those moms too.

I made a guest book on shutterfly with our engagement pictures.

People's addresses change all the time, ignore her :-)

Unfortunately I am experiencing the same thing. I had put a binder together of ideas for the wedding to try and make her feel involved (I will be 35 by the time I get married, and we've been together for almost 5 years... we've thought about this and we aren't spring chickens!) and she flipped thru it in a hissy fit and then yelled "Well I guess there's nothing for me to help with!". She talks about how beige for bridesmaids dresses is "blah", she doesn't want to invite certain people because "We didn't get invited to their daughters wedding", and I could go on and on. Basically I can't handle the negativity.

When I asked what her expectations were and what was most important for her to be involved in, she basically said every part of the wedding. That's not going to happen. It can't, for MY sanity's sake.

I've also been told to give her some big task to keep her busy. I may try that, though I don't know how it's going to go. But I'm definitely keeping a lot of ideas to myself

(cont) and I'm probably just going to do several things without her knowing.

I feel for you! I'm right there with you!

My fiance's parents literally said "Whatever you guys want, we are here for you. Let us know if you need any help, etc.." They were amazing. My dad is the same. I guess 3 out of 4 ain't bad.

I think it's going to come down to expectations. I think I'll need to have a talk with her about what is acceptable and what isn't. We shall see. All I know is that I've already contemplated running away and eloping because of her actions, and that isn't fair to me & my fiancé. So, something will have to be worked out.

But for now, I'm not going to react to her negativity, I'm going to do what I want, I'm going to keep a lot to myself, and involve her in small increments... very selectively. I hope it works out! I'll let you know!

Best of luck to you too!