Uninvolved Bridesmaid Dilemma

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So my education, relationship and health takes a back burner to a friend’s wedding??? Any “friend” that expected that of me isn’t really a friend. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ I’d 100% focus on my education and career, than sidelining it to focus on someone else’s wedding. A wedding is one day, a career and education is for your future.

Everyone can argue all day about whether or not bridesmaids have to do certain things or not but what this really comes down to is your friendship with this girl. Pretend for a second that she is not a bridesmaid, what is holding your friendship together, what made you guys friends in the first place, are the qualities that you liked about her still there? In the past was she the type of person to be busy often? Did she typically decline your requests to spend time together before she was a bridesmaid? Asking her to step down will end your friendship. So you have to decide if that's something you want.

Personally, it was important to me to have bridesmaids that would be excited to attend a shower and bachelorette. I didn't want opinions on the wedding or anything like that, I just wanted a group of girls that make time to celebrate with me. So I considered that when I chose my bridesmaids, and I chose friends that have a history of making time for me - celebrating my birthdays, graduations, other milestones. This worked out great. Everyone has attended/will be attending exactly what I had hoped for. You can't expect someone to change just because they hold the title of "bridesmaid" so I knew the friends that would never seem interested in making time for me in the past wouldn't magically start just because they were in my wedding. So I also recommend reflecting back on your friendship with this particular bridesmaid and see if maybe you were expecting something (her making time for you) that never really existed in your friendship to begin with or hasn't existed in a long time.

Have you reached out to her as a friend and not just a bride to see how her life is going, to hang out, etc? It sounds like she is super busy! Maybe she feels that you're treating her only as a bridesmaid and not as her friend so that is why she isn't as responsive?

Unless you're ready to end a friendship over this, or at least have a very new dynamic between you, then I wouldn't do anything at all. I personally don't understand the mentality of equating how much someone cares about you with how much they care about your wedding. Your friend should be prioritizing her education and future job prospects over your wedding. That's her future. Your wedding is very important to you, as it should be, but to everyone else, it's a one day event. A special event for sure, but not something that trumps what's going on in their own lives. I would call her and just try to talk to her about anything other than your wedding and focus on preserving the friendship.

I was MOH for my friend, and she planned a lot of pre-wedding events. One of them was a "bridal party BBQ" so that the bridal party could meet each other. Even though I had no interest in going to this (I already knew all of the bridesmaids and really didn't care to meet the groomsmen because I'd never see them after the wedding) I was planning to go because I was MOH and felt that I should. The night before the BBQ my son was in the ER, and the next day I decided not to go because my sick child was more important. She lived about 3 hours away from me, so it wasn't like this could be a few hour event - this would have been an all day adventure. I texted her and explained what happened and said I was sorry. And I was, because even though I didn't want to go, I know she was excited and I felt bad. She said it was ok and even though she was disappointed she understood.

Fast forward a month after the wedding and we're together (with a few other people) and she proceeds to make a passive aggressive comment about how "not everyone made an effort to come to the BBQ" while looking directly at me. I reminded her that my son was in the ER the night before and that if she really wanted to be mad at me about it she could go f herself because I'm not going to be made to feel bad about it. She said she wasn't talking about me but "the other bridesmaids who didn't come" which was in reference to our other two friends who were also with us. They then reminded her that they were spending Father's Day weekend with their dad who was dying, and who they didn't know if he would make it to the next one. They also made no apologies.

The three of us stood up for her at her wedding, but none of us have talked to her since the December wedding. That day, along with a few other incidents related to the wedding, really made us step back to see a person that we didn't recognize anymore. My friendship with this bride will never be the same. I don't hate her, and I still consider her a friend, but I definitely was given a view of someone that I can't think of the same way.

I just wanted to relay that story to just show you and anyone else who reads this how friendships truly can change based on wedding behavior and it's not always the bridesmaids who do the damage.

Good luck with your decision.

I understand being busy, but I don't think answering to a few texts is that hard. I'd just ask her if she has time to still be in the wedding. Being in a wedding means being there for bachelorette party, bridal shower, dress shopping, whatever the bride needs. My situation is a little different, 8/9 of my bridesmaids live in different states. But my 1 bridesmaid that is here has been on venue tours and always helped when I asked and she works 6 days a week 9+ hours a day.

I feel like I may have different views-- but being a BM or MOH is a commitment. I just finished my MSW, internships, multiple jobs, and other obvious life things. I do not think wanting her to be at important events and purchasing the right dress (we all make mistakes, but it's still up to her to fix it).

No one forced her to say yes, I wouldn't kick her out, but talk with her face to face. There will always be other commitments and things in peoples lives, but you're not asking for much. Say yes is a COMMITMENT, not a 24/7, drop everything one, but one that requires you to be slightly involved and paying attention. Just my personal view on the matter.

HOWEVER-- also being understand of schooling and family emergencies. If things come up, last minute, that's understand able. and school should be a priority, BUT there is always time to put in a LITTLE effort for someone who considers you important enough to stand by her on her wedding day after you agreed to do so.

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No it should not at all. However, if you say yes to being in someones bridal party, typically that comes with minor commitments that should also be important. You don't need to sideline your life to be there for someone you love and care about.

She's probably wrapped up in finals. She might not always be near her phone, or she might forget to text. The dress was probably an honest mistake. Have you reached out to her as a friend lately?

It's nice when friends are excited and up for anything, but that's not required of them, especially when they have school and their careers to attend to.

Remove the "wedding" element of this conversation. Is this anything different than how she'd normally be acting with school and work? I'm not implying that you're selfish, but this close the wedding, things can feel like they're a bigger deal than they are. Reach out to her as a friend, ask her how school is going, take a deep breath, and let it go.

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It's a ONE DAY COMMITMENT.

honestly if my friend send me a text asking a bunch of us what color napkins she should pick i would ignore the text too.

The thing you really need to ask yourself is, was she always like this or is this just a busy season for her?

Last year my life long friend asked me to be in her wedding. They were engaged for two years before she asked and I was very excited for her from the start. Over 2 years I supposed my interest waned a bit. I was also faced with caregiving a terminally ill father; having difficulties getting a stable job; and eventually grieving my father all in this period. However, I was always asking her about the wedding and was still a good friend to her. The day she asked me to be in her wedding was within a week of my grandma dying and getting back a horrendous budget back for my job. I had to spend money going accross country to my grandmas funeral and it changed the planning/timeline for her wedding. I will admit at this time I was not myself and I was “wishy washy,” probably depressed, focused on doing a good job at work, and focused on just getting through each day.

She lived 9 hours from me. I planned 3 trips to visit her in 1 year plus the destination wedding trip. She was upset (actually in her words “ashamed and insulted”) I would not come to her bridal shower on a non-long weekend during a busy season in my job that I had actually warned her about. I was trying to come - but she got bitter and forced me to say no as she had to have an answer right away. I even went out to visit her to speak with her in person about it on a different long weekend hoping to bond with her. She was dismissive, mad that I wasn’t happy enough for her, and felt everything I was saying was just excuses and when I said I wouldn’t let a wedding shower ruin our friendship she responded with “we will see”.

It got a lot worse from there and I should have just stepped down in hindsight. But; after how she treated me then I did start to care less and I didn’t do the job I would have had she not acted like that. I would have turned it around. She became resentful and expected me to wow her and I because resentful of the wedding shower and eventually her. She expected me to drive 9 hours on a Friday, run around her city buying and making stuff and helping host a shower and drive 9 hours back on a Sunday, during the busiest time in my job. She also constantly told me I wasn’t living up to her expectations and reminded me her cousins had to step up because I didn’t. (I offered to do the bacholerette not the shower). You may be getting married, but people have lives and they need their friends to understand that too.

My point is - people get busy. People forget to message people back. People sometimes drop the ball because the timing was really really bad. It may not be that she doesn’t care. I cared a lot. I just couldn’t show it because I had a lot on my plate at that time.

You also gave to ask if she was always this way? I wasn’t always wishy washy; but she knew I wasn’t a huge wedding fan. She knew I felt a lot of people get carried away and forget about the real purpose of what the wedding stand for. It’s funny because she became the optimome of everything I hated about weddings. I had this opinion since we were our teens - so she new I wasn’t the “letting myself getting carried away or being overly excited” type about weddings. She seemed to forget that and when I did remind her of that she basically told me to change because I should for her.

I did everything I could to save it. Sometimes it not worth saving. Sometimes it is. Just remember - a wedding is a party for one day. While it is important to you and probably even to her, her job and future are going to be more important. She may not even realize she is making you feel this way. When you do talk to her, please make sure you are open minded, keep your expectations grounded and be respectful. People tend to surprise us in ways we don’t always expect.