Uninvolved Bridesmaid Dilemma

That's difficult. As a life long student myself I know how busy life can be. However, she did say yes (assuming you asked her and not told her, I've been told before and I was not very helpful) so she should be semi-involved. With a month to go it's your call. How important is she too you? Will you regret asking her to step down? If not then it might be the best option honestly.

Call her or meet up with her. Just because your wedding isn't the most important thing in her life doesnt mean you should ask her not to be one.

If you ask her to step down there is a pretty good chance you will end your friendship. As someone finishing up my own schooling/ internship, it takes priority over everything else, and I don’t/ won’t feel bad about it. My future is more important to me than someone else’s wedding/ wedding events, regardless if that upsets them or not. It is a bummer that she got the wrong dress, but it could have been a true accident, because that does happen.

View Quoted Comment I'm not asking it to be the most important thing, just some what important and not feel like an inconvenience.

I understand I have bridesmaids in different states my matron of honor lives in Massachusetts. It is actually difficult to be present for everything makes it tough, but I think it's important that maybe you spend one-on-one time with her if you can. I have 15 bridesmaids and I'm really trying to connect with them during my engagement. I also was up upfront in the beginning meeting woth them andvsharing the expectations and letting them know why they were picked to be my bridesmaid. Maybe she doesn't know why she was picked and that it's an honor for her to be in your wedding and maybe having a conversation with her my help.

Being a bridesmaid doesn’t mean she has to attend any pre wedding events and she’s not meant to help you plan your wedding or give you ideas. If you know she’s super busy then you know why she’s acting how she is . No one is as excited for your wedding as you are.

I feel like you might have gotten some harsh responses, so let me just say that only you know your relationship with her, and there is no amount of info that you could give us that would make everyone understand. With that said, I totally understand how you feel. I had my MOH back away once she got pregnant, yet she had demanded A LOT from me when I was her MOH. At the time I was working abroad and even clarified with her that I wouldn't be able to fulfill the normal duties due to this, she agreed she still wanted me in that role and I'm a perfectionist so I still delivered everything and more. Yet when it came to my time, I felt once she got pregnant it was only about people with kids that she was interested in and weddings were so beyond her. I had a normal conversation with her and said if it was too much then of course she didn't have to participate, but to let me know by X date (1 month later). Sadly I never heard from her. Everyone has a lot going on in their lives but the ones who are genuinely happy for you will step up. Talk to her but I'm assuming it has way more to do with her than you, so dont take it personally. Focus on having an amazing day, whatever she decides, with those people who have shown up to be there for you!

*Also to avoid any negative responses to myself. I have planned every part of my wedding and never asked for any help from wedding party. Many of us are scattered around the US, yet I have asked them to go to a different country and they are still reaching out to ME asking if they can help or do anything for me which I've always declined.

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much. I really appreciate your response instead of assuming I'm a self absorbed bride.

Your situation sounds very similar. It's been tough figuring out if she's genuinely busy or if it's lack of interest or caring. We have done most of our wedding work ourselves too since we have a hard time asking people for favors or help. I was just looking for advice to see if anyone could relate and how they handled it. Life happens and I get that, but it's been a bummer feeling like the friendship is one sided.

Thank you for your kindness and insight ❤️ I'm sorry about your challenging situation! I hope you have an amazing wedding day!

I feel like at this point, there no real reason to ask her to step down. It sucks that she is not basking in this wonderful time and quite honestly, she could be jealous. I’m just really sorry that she is not fulfilling her duties as not only a BM, but as a friend. This is a time to support and be there for your friends and unfortunately, it brings out some ugly colors in people. However, as mentioned before, I don’t think there have been any major offenses to escalate it. Just try to ignore her rude behaviors. (I mean seriously... “is this close enough?” Come on!!!)

View Quoted Comment I honestly feel like if you have this attitude, then you do not DESERVE to be a BM... and owe it to your friend to allowe her to ask somebody else.

View Quoted Comment I’m so sorry that your MOH did that to you. I hope you got the MOH that you deserved! It’s refreshing that you still seem so understanding and caring towards her even though that was a terrible thing for her to do.

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Sadly, I've realized between myself and FH that 'you find out who your friends are' when planning a wedding. For better or worse, people's good and bad qualities are magnified.

Luckily, my sister has been an amazing maid of honor (friend was matron of honor) so I'm not missing out on much except for that friendship.

I think a good heart to heart is needed and it is definitely a bummer, but it doesn't seem like you've put any time consuming roles on her so, hopefully, for your sake, there's some other reasonable explanation. If not, then remember the other members of your party who are there for you!

Sorry she's been so uninvolved. But school/internship can keep people very busy. And who knows, perhaps she's a little jealous?

I will say, and I'm not saying any of this because I think you are a self-involved bride, BMs aren't expected to do much more than buy the dress and stand up there as support on your big day. They aren't expected to help plan or show up to all pre-wedding festivities. Of course, you always hope your friends will do all that and more, but that's not always the case. Two of my ladies can't make it to my bachelorette. It sucks, but it is what it is. What I care about ia that they will be up there with me on our big day.
It is a little odd that she's still seems so uninterested so close to the wedding. Have you tried sitting down and talking with her? Maybe there is something else going on in her life that's been bothering her.

Her job is to buy the dress and show up the day of. Don't worry if she isn't interested or involved in the pre-wedding stuff, that's not everyone's thing and it sounds like she has a lot on her plate.

View Quoted Comment Um? If she has the attitude that her schooling is more important? It is more important by far. The wedding is ONE day.

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Yessss this

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"let me stop my career and future because you want me to decide what color napkins look better for your wedding.... "

its the OPs wedding, they should be planning everything.

I brought just my mom and my moh to pick my wedding dress, I brought only one BM to try on the BM dresses. I went to the venue and picked out/ diy'ed the decorations. my fh and I picked the food, cake and dj. my BM had no part in any of this because its not their wedding: I let them pick out their hair, makeup and shoes which they can do on their own time- I just ask that they show up prepared.

My moh and bridesmaids planned a shower and Bachelorette for me and they will all be there, they respectfully set aside a date where my out of state bm could come. they did that on their own with no pressure from me.

sure, I show my BM my DIY and things as they come in on a FB group I created to help make communication better and I am not sending out mass texts disturbing them ... but I don't freak out if all the girls (or any of the girls) don't like or comment. its my fh and I's wedding and we are choosing what we like ( while staying within guests comfort and etiquette) and if one of the girls said "oh I don't like it" its too bad. if they want to give me a better idea ill listen but at the end of the day... its our day.

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I'm sorry, what? This is completely backwards. You don't have to throw parties to "deserve" to stand next to someone at their wedding, it is the bride's honor to have her friends by her side, not the other way around. The BM doesn't owe her anything for making her education a priority over someone else's wedding. And if she does decide to kick her out of her bridal party, she surely shouldn't replace her with a runner up a month before the wedding.

I see this on this forum all the time and I'm torn. I don't expect my bridal party to do anything, but I also don't expect my bridal party to essentially ghost me and have me be okay with that either as long as they show up on the day with the dress. I feel like there are two very different stories. I would be annoyed at a friend if I was always the one doing all of the communication and I never heard from them REGARDLESS if it was my wedding or not. I don't expect text messages back immediately (my best friend and I go for weeks or months communicating in unrelated snapchats) but if I text a friend a question, at least an acknowledgement within a few days is appreciated. When I was finishing up my last degree if someone texted me a question or something that I was too stressed to answer, I usually just texted back a picture of my thesis or of my recently broken reaction setup and they understood that I would get back to them eventually but now was not the time.

Have you reached out to her as a friend? This close to the wedding I wouldn't ask her to step down. I'd cross my fingers and hope the friendship picks up again once she has a little more time since it doesn't sound like you've had a falling out. It would be nice to have a little more contact with each other, but at this point, trust that she knows when and where to be at the right time.

I understand where you're coming from about her being busy. I actually planned my wedding around the spring semester. My MOH takes a full course load and I'm part time. I barely spoke to my MOH for the last 3-4 weeks of the semester because I know her studying habits and I didn't even want to interrupt them with just a friendly catch up. I patiently waited until after the end of the semester and now we're catching up right from where we left off near the beginning of the semester. I let my MOH know when I was getting my nails done before the wedding so she could join me if she wanted. We picked an earlier day that was good for the two of us.

I also understand about the non-responding. My bridesmaid (FH's best female friend) is a mom with one of her kids graduating high school this year, takes care of her mother and has a chronic illness. Last I was able to speak to her, I knew she had her dress. I have no idea what it looks like (I asked for a certain color and fabric.) I've had no confirmation from her if she's aware of when the rehearsal is despite texting it to her twice, once the date and time were set and again this week to remind her. I wasn't even able to get her email so that I could send her the day of time line info she needed (rehearsal date/time/location, dinner time and location afterwards, what time to show up to the venue, what time pics are, ceremony time, eating time and when it all ends. Less than a page long.) .

Good luck and trust in your friendship!