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Melanie
Savvy September 2021

Uninviting Guest (long, i apologize)

Melanie, on January 17, 2021 at 3:03 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 15
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I will preface this in that I know it is in bad taste to uninvite a guest. Our STDs went out last year, then we postponed a year due to Covid.



My FHs friend's wife is a hardcore conspiracy person. Her husband entertains it to a degree, but I've known him for years and know he can be a normal person. She is the kind of person who doesnt know how or when to stop. I'll entertain political debates on social media if everyone is respectful, but I have come to FB to find 20 comments all from her on a post. An old friend she doesnt know was arguing and gave up. She followed him into his DMs and kept going. He had to block her. Another time, she told me she hopes I lose any future baby because I'm pro-choice. I blocked her after that and had a discussion with FH.
I was also worried about her making snide remarks at the wedding about my black friends or my brother's interracial relationship. (She's use the N word without remorse racist). The last thing I need is a scene made by Crazy Pants that ruins our day.
At first, FH agreed she should be uninvited, but still wanted to invite his friend/her husband. I'd rather univite both as a social unit, but I agreed. Now, FH is dragging his feet and coming up with excuses. I offered to talk to his friend but he said he would do it. We order our invites next month, so if he doesnt tell them, they'll find out with no invitation.
Am I wrong to uninvite this woman? Should we uninvite both? Just the husband? What is the best way to go about this? Or should I have to cave and possibly have a scene made on our wedding day?
Thanks everyone for listening and for the advice in advance!

15 Comments

Latest activity by Brittany, on April 12, 2021 at 11:50 PM
  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
    • Flag
    No, you’re absolutely not wrong to uninvite this woman! I think if it is important to your husband that his friend is there, then he needs to address the situation head on. He needs to have a real talk with his friend and let him know that he would love to have him in attendance for his big day, but due to the toxic interactions between his wife and you (and your friend), that you both have decided you cannot extend the invitation to his wife. He needs to let him know that your feelings towards his wife in no way affects his feelings toward his friend, and does not want it to affect their friendship moving forward either. He also needs to make it clear that he totally understands if the friend needs to decline the invitation since his wife is not receiving one, and that there will be no hard feelings if that is the decision he makes.
    • Reply
  • SLY
    Master January 2022
    SLY ·
    • Flag

    I can see why you wouldn't want her there judging by her character, and how she presents herself on social media.

    Since this is your FH's friend, I would be persistent in having him speak to his friend. If your FH can't see himself getting married without this friend there, then it's important for him to have this talk with him about his wife and how uncomfortable she makes you, and others feel. It's fine to have opinions, but it's another thing when you act negatively towards others just because they don't share the same opinions and views as you.

    Married couples are a package when it comes to inviting them, and it's a slippery slope when you decide to invite one and not the other, sometimes resulting in a ruined friendship. Which is why I think your FH really needs to sit his friend down and have a heart to heart.

    If his wife acts this way in public around people and not just on social media, then I would also be wary about inviting her to my wedding. I wouldn't want her going around and making my other guests uncomfortable, or offending them.

    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    While most uninvites probably shouldn't happen unless necessary, removing toxic from your life doesn't require an explanation. You are not wrong to uninvite them but cut ties all around with them.
    • Reply
  • A
    Expert September 2020
    Amanda ·
    • Flag
    Definitely don’t invite her. She made a beyond disgusting and hurtful comment to you and will likely embarrass you at the wedding.
    • Reply
  • Mrs.g
    Beginner October 2022
    Mrs.g ·
    • Flag
    Nope, I wouldn’t invite her. Her comment to you was a hurtful, personal attack and completely out of line. The thing is though, that a married couple is a packaged deal, both or none. I’d leave them off the guest list and be done with them completely.
    • Reply
  • D
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
    • Flag
    I’m not sure why you would’ve even invited her in the first place… Needless to say yes you can absolutely uninvite whoever you’d like without any explanation. Its your wedding. And with a comment like the whole ‘Hope you lose your baby’ thing, why on Earth would your FH EVER be okay with that and drag his feet?! my best friend and maid of honor has extremely different political views than me. And we both strongly believe in our views. Neither of us would ever in our wildest imaginations think about saying this to one another. I can’t believe your FH actually has any desire to maintain friendship with either one of these nuts.
    • Reply
  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    I don't think you are wrong in uninviting her. However you will more than likely have to uninvite both of them as a social unit.
    • Reply
  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    Since your fh wants the husband there you should put your foot down with your fh and give him a deadline when he needs to talk to the husband about wanting him there but not the wife. If he doesn't talk to him by that deadline then they both are uninvite.
    • Reply
  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
    • Flag
    You are not wrong at all for wanting to not invite this person. The comment she made to you is unacceptable and horrible. Why would your FH ever continue to allow this person, or her husband who clearly accepts her behavior, to be anywhere near you?


    • Reply
  • Rebecca
    Savvy December 2021
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag

    Definitely uninvite her! It doesn't matter what anyones views/stands/opinions are on anything there are just certain things you should never say to another person out of sheer human decency! Your FH should have a heart to heart with his friend and make it very clear that he still wants his friend there but his wife cannot come and if they have a problem with that then uninvite both. You should not have to worry about some crazy causing a scene on your wedding day!

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    You are always fine to refuse to entertain someone who is actively rude and nasty, or someone who has assaulted others, or is breaking the law. This removes you from your obligation to FI friend to invite both members of the couple. You may invite him, alone, after a private talk so he understands. Don't tear her down in detail, 20 offenses. Just clearly say , her nasty retaliations to anyone who does not agree with her political views, including to you personally, and the derogatory terms she uses to those of different races or ethnic groups, are way over the line. But he has always been a valued friend. ... He may come, or he may not.
    • Reply
  • I
    Dedicated August 2024
    Ivory ·
    • Flag

    Uninvite both. You'll have drama either way, but only uninviting her is singling her out and will cause more drama. I would also say her husband is enabling her behavior, even if he himself is not as bad. If in some horrible universe FH woke up one day and started saying all that, he wouldn't be the man I love, and I would call off the wedding, or divorce him if we were already married. I'm not saying the fact they are still together means he agrees with her, but at the absolute least he clearly does not view her behavior as a deal-breaker, or else he'd tell her to stop being a racist and would be appalled at what she said to you. Are you and FH sure you even want to be friends with her husband?

    • Reply
  • E
    Super July 2023
    Eniale ·
    • Flag

    I'm of the "uninvite both" camp.

    There is no way to tactfully rescind an invitation to begin with, but it is in poor taste to do so only for one member of a married unit.

    Now, don't mistake this to mean that you shouldn't rescind the invite. You absolutely should. The comment she made to you about losing any future child was absolutely abhorrent, and unabashed racists do not belong at any public event, but especially if you have guests who may be a target demographic for her. You have every right - I might even say obligation - to protect your other guests from someone who means or wishes them harm.

    And importantly: her husband condones her behavior, which means he also has no place on your guest list.

    • Reply
  • E
    Super July 2023
    Eniale ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    That last part, 100%. He condones the behavior, whether he agrees with/shares in her opinions or not, because he remains with her. If my husband ever used to N-word, his bags would be on the lawn when he got home, because just as you said, that means he is not who I thought he was or what I thought I married.

    Clearly, her husband knows what he married, and he's okay with it. That means he has no place at your wedding, just as she doesn't.

    • Reply
  • Brittany
    Dedicated December 2021
    Brittany ·
    • Flag

    You shouldn't have to risk her insulting one of your guests and based on the fact that she would go as far as DMing someone I'd bet she will esp if you have invited that person. The only issue is you cannot invite the husband and uninvite the wife, so if your FH wants to maintain that relationship with his friend he may need to have a conversation with him as to why this is happening.

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