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Savvy September 2018

Uninvited children

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Elizabeth , on July 26, 2018 at 5:43 PM

So I sent out invites this month and have already gotten back RSVP cards where they have written in their uninvited children. Besides the ring bearers and flower girls, the cut off is ~15, which with my family, nearly all my cousins are older than me, save two who are in high school, and then there are a lot of little kids ages 2-6 and no one in between those age ranges, so I figured it would go trouble free to just say theres no young children. I have vocalized this in addition to specifically addressing every person individually on envelopes and putting the number of seats reserved on the RSVP cards. I KIND OF understand my aunt wanting to bring her youngest (who is a nightmare) as her two older kids are invited, but one is 16 and the other 19. But if I make an exception for him then I should be allowing the 9 other children his age to come. I know I have to bite the bullet and talk to everyone but I'm really dreading this. Any advice on how to handle this delicately so no one gets offended??

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22 Comments

Super April 2019
Valerie · on September 17, 2018 at 6:44 AM
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"I'm sorry for any confusion, however the invitation was only for X and X and we cannot accommodate any other guests. We hope you can still attend but if not we will miss you and can't wait to celebrate with you after!"
Also, you did nothing wrong in picking an age cutoff of 15. If you were using it to separate a family where there was a 14 yo and a 16 yo, that wouldn't be cool, but I get not wanting small children and in your case it works fine. The PP who critiqued you for splitting the family are misinformed. That rule does not apply when there is a large age gap - there are plenty of places a 15 year old is welcome that a 4 year old isn't and that is just a fact of life. You did nothing wrong with not wanting small children and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty about it.
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Judith · on September 17, 2018 at 10:21 AM
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There is no reason you cannot split up a family with a large age difference like this. Every institution in our society differentiates between children of different developmental levels. Schools, movies, sports. Ever see an 8 year old at a high school dance, because his 16 year old brother was coming, so he had to be allowed? Foolishness. Boy or Girl Scouts, PeeWee or Varsity ball teams, amusement parks, theatres, all recognize that some things are aimed at those who behave mostly like adults, vs kids of different ages. I would not split a family with one person 14½ and one 15½. An exception to a 15 year old guideline. Invite both ir neither. But a natural gap like this, the young child needs to learn , some things you cam do now, and some things you will be able to do when you are older. " You cannot split families with children of different ages," has never been standard etiquette. You invite those you want, by some reasonable, not arbitrary , justification. 8 year olds, in a place where people are drinking, way past bed time, needing constant supervision, are different from older kids who may work, and do things without adult supervision for 4-12 hours. And family ir wedding party closest to you may be invited, before or instead of those you do not feel at all close to, even when the ones you barely know or do not want are relatives. Your age criterion is fine, the natural gap makes it easier. And children in your wedding party, because you have a closer relationship, are also legitimately different from young children of other guests.
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