Torn between what i want, and what everyone else wants. Help!

Is she paying for it? Does he know these people or want them to be invited? If both of these are no then you need to have him talk to her. You are not being selfish, and unless she is paying for the wedding then she has no right to say who or who dosnt get invited.

I am of the mind that whoever pays for the thing, it's the couple's choice of style and size.

It's not selfish at all. Too many people get talked into too many people and too many dollars because of the enthusiam for people who, honestly, won't get any of the headaches (besides writing a check).

Do put your foot down and have the wedding you want.

Learn to unite and say 'no'-- this is only the first of many, many battles. Saying, "No, Betty-- we really don't want that many people at our wedding. You must choose which X people you want to invite and leave it at that." is practice for, "No, Betty-- you may not feed our child 20 sodas, two candy bars, 10 cookies, and a hot fudge sundae when we let you babysit". So, practice, be firm, and get comfortable with it.

Have the wedding you and your FH want. If parents are paying, that's very generous of them, but it's still your wedding, your memories. My mother offered us the gift of our wedding. She wrote the check and told me to go have fun and make memories. That's how it should be. If they can't do that then it becomes their party and you need to consider pushing the date out and saving.

I am paying for the wedding. And I started saying yes because I wanted to be nice, and show that I value her, but it's gotten out of hand. I haven't been saying yes anymore, I've just been saying "We'll go over the list/budget and see"

No is a complete sentence. An elegant no with direct eye contact.

It's not nice to do things you don't want to do.... I posted this the other day, but it bears repeating; it's a book parody based on that cleaning up book;

"The life changing magic of not giving a fuck" how to stop spending time you don't have with people you don't like doing things you don't want to do.

FH & you need to agree on "20 people max or we elope."

All of those people FMIL wants to invite can be invited to HER party, not your wedding.

What is it with FMILs thinking its okay to add l the guest list? Mine is adding "her 20" (excuse me??) and we are the ones paying for it!!

@Zoe that made me laugh

@Kat You can value your FMIL without bending to her. Stand up for yourself and tell you FH that you are unhappy with so many people and you want to rethink the guest lists. Dont include her. Let her know who is invited and that should be it. No more discussing it with her, close the door before she can put her foot in.

Compromise, and more compromise. If you can't get on the same page, try to find middle ground. For example, I love rectangle tables for reception, my parent's (who are paying for the venue rentals) prefer round. I asked if it would be ok if we did mixed tables so we were both happy. When it comes to FH and I, we have very different styles. I let him pick the colors, but it has been a little hard to combine design ideas into a cohesive look. We're trying to incorporate both feels with the centerpieces. I think having mixed tables will def. Help pull this off better.

Yeah, I think I'm going to talk to her about it today when she comes over for lunch. Honestly, we live in PA, and I wanted a Maine wedding. The 20 guests were all on board, I do not know how the other 75 people would react. It's also a pain for me, because I was not initially planning a traditional reception. I was going to treat everyone to the best seafood near the ceremony site. I didn't really find the need for a first dance, or any of the other wedding day traditions with so few people. Her way, we would have to, without a doubt, have a reception for that many people. I guess I'm not very "traditional"

I think you need to put your foot down. After all, this is YOUR wedding, not hers. Planning a wedding has enough stress involved the way it is without adding the extra pressure to try to please her. She had her own wedding once, and now, it's your turn.

It's not her wedding. If you only wanted to invite 5 people you could

She sounds manipulative, and you and FH need to learn how to say no. You and he need to be a united front on this as well. It's not selfish to want a small wedding - it's selfish to try to control someone else's wedding.

I just trashed the guest list lol and seating chart. It might be mean, or rude, but I think with that many people, they will try to push me towards a domestic wedding. And I don't want that. I want Maine. I want to be married on the beach, with an amazing lighthouse behind us, and amazing Maine Lobster for dinner. I sacrifice a lot, but I can't sacrifice this. I'm sure she'll understand when it's all over.

"We're most comfortable with a small wedding - I'd be too anxious to have any more than the 20 people nearest and dearest to us there witnessing our vows."

You and your FH both need to be on board with that, and unite against anyone (his mother or yours!) who wants to increase the guest list. You are paying, you get to decide on the budget you're comfortable with - not to mention you're getting married - you get to decide on the wedding that you're comfortable with.

I told her over lunch and she was NOT happy. But I guess now she knows how I was feeling over my own wedding. She called me horrible. I don't think I'm horrible, so whatever. I just know what i want, and it's not the same as what she wants.

Ugh girl im in the same boat. We're paying for the wedding ourselves & she keeps saying "you need to invite everyone because we don't want hurt feelings" well ok no we're not inviting people you talk to MAYBE once a year sorry. We're already close to 150 people & just had a baby also. We can't spend thousands & thousands on people she barely talks to. His side is the type that if you don't invite them they literally won't talk to you & hold a grudge like a 5 year old. I don't know what to do either I hope it works out for you!

GO KAT! I'm glad you stood up for yours and FH's dream day. You can't accommodate everyone...especially if they have no financial say.

I am so happy my guest list is 60, I think 45 to 50 will attend. With the guest list small we can really treat our guests well. It's so much easier.