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Beginner October 2018

Too many guests

Aimee, on February 11, 2018 at 6:02 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 27
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Our guest list is pushing 200 and I’m stressing out. I always imagined a small, intimate wedding but between my FH and myself, 120 of that is family (and just first families not extended). The problem is we are living in my FH’s hometown so every other day it seems he runs into someone else to invite. And yes he’s close to them and/or he went to their wedding, always a “legitimate” reason. He thinks we can afford the big wedding (it’s a stretch but doable) but for me it’s more the stress of having SO many people there. I knew when I said yes I would never get the less than 50 person wedding I always dreamed of but I never imagined this big. I’ve tried talking to him about it but he doesn’t want to let anyone down or make them feel left out. Any other suggestions to either one, manage my stress or two, help him understand that a 200+ wedding guest list is not a good idea?

27 Comments

Latest activity by Cassandra7, on February 12, 2018 at 12:11 PM
  • Lisa
    Dedicated July 2018
    Lisa ·
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    That is a lot of people! Wow. Why don't you make an A list and a B list? Try to sort out who's really the most important like close friends and family. I understand considering the feelings of other people but it's still you and your FH day.
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  • AbeFroman
    Devoted October 2018
    AbeFroman ·
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    I do NOT recommend B lists. It comes off as so incredibly rude.

    Despite all the posts on here, I have a hard time believing anyone has 200 people that MUST be at their wedding. I would sit down and explain to your FH that you feel like what you want isn't being considered.

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  • Future Mrs.B
    Devoted May 2018
    Future Mrs.B ·
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    We had this issue too. it is ok to not invite people whos wedding you attended in the past. its ok to not invite casual friend. For me, i made a tentative list of all people we both wanted to invite. then after findong a couple venues and getting prices we had to see what would fit our budfet and dream venue. i showed my fiance how much it costs and how quickly adding people cost thousands extra. we are paying for wedding ourselves. after reading list my fiance realized how many unneccesary people he added.

    we are now happily at 100 guests at the perfect venue woth all the extras we wanted and in our budget Smiley smile
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  • stephanie
    Super October 2017
    stephanie ·
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    Our guest list was 225 and we had about 170 show up. I thought it was wonderful to have so many of our friends and family from different eras of our lives there.

    You need to figure out what is stressful to you about having this size of wedding, and discuss w your FH so he can help relieve the stress if the large guest list is important to him.

    Ex. If you are stressed about making a seating chart for that many, ask him to take on that responsibility. If you're stressed about the costs, go over the budget again with him to be sure you can really afford it. If you're stressed about not properly hosting so many guests, talk to FH about your etiquette expectations and ask him to be in charge of figuring out how you two will meet those expectations.
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  • Sara P.
    VIP October 2018
    Sara P. ·
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    We had a similar issue at first. Our wedding will still be bigger than I would like but we've made a lot of progress on cutting it down over time. We left out my cousins so we could invite more friends. I finally convinced FH that you don't have to invite everyone that invited you to their wedding ever. We discussed inviting only people that we would truly miss if they weren't there or that we've talked to/seen in the last few months. We also made a hard rule about no coworkers. In the end, we're both compromising something. I would like the guest list to be smaller but we're doing a lot of other things I prefer (such as a non church wedding).
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  • Casey
    VIP December 2018
    Casey ·
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    I had this issue as well. My FH doesn't have a lot of family, but has a TON of "family friends" which include families with six kids and all the kids have spouses. A few weeks ago I broke down in tears because I felt like it was my people on the guest list that were being cut and "all these people are apparently 'so important' and close to you (FH), but I've never even heard their names until now." FH saw how legitimately upset I was when I cried (I rarely do) and took a long hard look at that guest list.

    Do what you need to do to make your family and FH understand this is important to do. Communicate with him and tell him how you feel. Good luck!

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  • Elizabeth
    Master December 2016
    Elizabeth ·
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    B-lists are incredibly rude and have been responsible for ending relationships. Don't do this. You two are about to get married. If you can't sit down and discuss this and come up with a compromise, I would seriously look into couples counseling prior to walking down the aisle.

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  • M
    Dedicated October 2018
    M.T. ·
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    We're trying to figure out how to reduce our 200+ guest list. FH has an enormous family, compared to my tiny family. He thinks it's incredibly rude of me to suggest we cut from HIS side.
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  • M
    Savvy November 2019
    Morgan ·
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    For us, it would be easy to go over 100 guests (fh's family alone is like 50 people) but we mutually agreed that unless we can't picture the wedding without them or it would cause a huge fight, we aren't inviting them. We have a list of about 40 people now. I realise it can come off rude or whatever, but just sharing blood doesn't mean you get an invite and just cause I've known you for years doesn't mean you'll be at the reception. We agreed that our wedding was something special, fun, but intimate and we don't feel like having people there just because it's nice is proper reasoning (that's what our friends did last year and their guest list went from 40 to 130 cause they kept trying to be nice and not leave out people, even if they hadn't spoken or seen them in years)
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  • M
    Savvy August 2018
    Mr&MrsGonzalez ·
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    I had this issue, my FH has a very larger family but what we did was focus on the uncles and cousins that were closest to him and everyone that’s second cousin or people that he would like to be there but wouldn’t be a deal breaker if they didn’t go we had to cut them off. Especially if is a wedding by plate everything adds up. We also cut down anyone under 18 that was not in the bridal party so that helped.
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  • M
    Super October 2018
    MaltedMilk ·
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    Please don't A list and B list - it is rude. Start small - your immediate family and VIP's - super close friends you REALLY want there. It is the hardest part of wedding planning, it really is. You are not obligated to invite to your wedding because you went to theirs. You won't have enough time to talk to 200 people in a night! You have 120 people at the core? Go back to those and see if you can trim even further. Cousins yes but not their kids. No coworkers, no casual friends. Ask yourself: Would you invite this person out for dinner and pay? Then yes. If not, hard no. And these decisions will be hard!!

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  • M
    Dedicated June 2018
    Maryam ·
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    Mine was 150 but About 15 of our guests already said no
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  • A
    Beginner October 2018
    Aimee ·
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    120 includes first aunts/uncles/cousins. Because we both come from large families and our parents still live close to their siblings, our cousins are like our sibilibgs. But we’ve had to cut second cousins and other extended family who also live nearby and we see on a regular basis.
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  • A
    Beginner October 2018
    Aimee ·
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    This is super helpful thank you. I know I’m stressed but I don’t know what specifically is the trigger. I’ll think on that and approach it from that aspect. FH responds to logic, so if I can find a way to approach it in that way as opposed to emotional overwhelment he may respond better.
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  • Stephanie
    Expert October 2018
    Stephanie ·
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    The B listing thing isn't BAD per se. If it's between the two of you, this is a legitimate way to come to terms on who you want to invite. It doesn't have to leave your place. Don't doubly send out invites, but to get a good starting point? I don't think it's a bad idea to start.

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  • A
    Beginner October 2018
    Aimee ·
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    “Ask yourself: Would you invite this person out for dinner and pay? Then yes. If not, hard no.” <<THIS. 👍🏻
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  • A
    Beginner October 2018
    Aimee ·
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    This is what I’m running into also! Of the 120 family, 80 is his. It’s hard not to think I should be able to invite more friends so the guest list is split evenly... good luck!!
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  • M
    Super October 2018
    MaltedMilk ·
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    One more thing: please do not count on people who might RSVP no. You can never predict who will come and who will decline. You will be very surprised when those RSVP's start rolling in. If your venue only accommodates 150 comfortably invite 150. Don't invite 175, thinking 25 will say no.

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  • Erica
    Expert August 2018
    Erica ·
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    I wanted a small wedding but my mother and father is paying for the venue while I pay for everything else. So my small wedding went to a wedding of 175 people. Most of it is my mom side of the family who will make a big deal if I didn't invite them.
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  • joey
    Expert October 2019
    joey ·
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    My fiance also wanted a 200 count guest list. I spoke to him about it and made my concerns known. I let him know that I was not comfortable planning the most special day of my life with all those people, especially knowing less than half the people he wanted to invite. I did not want my wedding to be this 'big party' with a bunch of people I didn't know personally. So we ended up compromising by waiting for our 3rd or 4th year anniversary to have a big celebration where we could do the 200 count guest list. I told him he could have total control of that process and I would support in every way. That way I get to keep my small ceremony and wedding reception with 58 guests.

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