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Just Said Yes October 2021

To have hope or just elope?

Morgan, on July 27, 2020 at 12:28 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 9

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I never post of forums but figured that an outsider's perspective may be able to offer some advice. Short backstory, my mother and I have been working the past few years to repair our relationship after years of me pretty much wanting nothing to do with her. Sounds cruel, but justified, her presence or lack of caused nothing but chaos, dispare, and destruction in my life and caused my to have to grow up fast and get a job to keep her bills paid. I just really thought she had changed and wanted to try. I'm just so unsure of my mother's role in my wedding anymore or if either one of us wants her to be there.

I got engaged back in early June, a month before my sister's baby was due, my mother's response? "Oh well thats great, I'm happy for you, but dont expect me to contribute much money ...so your sister is having her baby next week. I'm so excited I can barely stand it." We were all excited for the baby so I just let it go the way she brushed it off. Although she helped pay for my sister's wedding and has spent thousands on this baby since it's been born. A week later the baby is born, since I'm not considered a "close relative" i haven't been able to see my nephew, which hurts but it is what it is. Of course my mother has called to brag about the baby and telling me I need to have one now in which I jokingly told her that I want one but need to fit in my wedding dress so I'll wait a bit. She got so confused to what I was talking about and literally had to remind her I was engaged.
It's been a few weeks since I talked to her and last week one of our dogs passed away unexpectedly. My FH and I have been devastated because he was like our baby, and was the baby of the momma dog we have. I reached out to her to let her know what happened and how depressed I was, because I just lost one of my support systems and *thought* she could be one. She went on about my sister baby and then got mad at me for telling her I was depressed and said she wasnt going to talk to me for a while.
Anytime I have tried to bring up anything about the wedding with her, no matter the topic, she tells me I'm stressing and need to stop planning the wedding....

Meanwhile, FH family has constantly reached out begging for updates on the wedding and wanting to help.
My mother never acted like this when my sister got married, she seems to have no interest in meeting my FH family, she doesnt hate him or object to me marrying him, she just doesnt seem to care.
With everything going on, my mental state, and the vet bills, not only can we not afford a wedding but I'm not even sure I want to and thinking we should just elope and have a party later. Sorry this is long but just need some advice, even my FH is starting to think my mom wont care about anything I do until I have a baby, I dont really want to elope but I dont know if I can handle more from how much she is hurting me by not caring or trying.

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Latest activity by Angel, on July 27, 2020 at 2:04 PM

Super March 2021
Kimberly · on July 27, 2020 at 12:37 AM
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I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time with your mother. I suggest stop talking to her about wedding things. I know that you want her to care but wanting her to isn’t going to make it happen. It’s just going to continue to bring you down. Reach out to FH’s family who seem to actually want to be a part of it and let them be that sound board and support for you.
As far as eloping, if that’s not what you want then don’t. However, you don’t have to do a big wedding. Think about who your must haves are (who you and FH can’t see not being there) and then plan your wedding based on that info and your budget.
Good luck!
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on July 27, 2020 at 3:59 AM
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My mother is also pretty toxic, and in the end, she decided that she wouldn't come to our wedding.
As Kimberly says, don't talk to your mother about the wedding. Don't expect anything from her.
Do what you want to do - postpone, downsize, elope, but don't use her as your litmus test.
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Master October 2022
Jana · on July 27, 2020 at 5:06 AM
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So sorry you are dealing with that. Toxic mothers are very common. Accept that she has no interest in being a part of your life, based on her comments and behavior. Move forward without her.
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Master October 2021
Mrs.a · on July 27, 2020 at 7:23 AM
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It sounds like you may benefit from establishing some same boundaries. Like what other PP said here...limit your conversations about weddings, let it be about her and your sister which it seems that’s all she wants to talk about. If she asks about the wedding or you, I would just keep it short and sweet, and see where things go from there.
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VIP March 2015
Nefetera · on July 27, 2020 at 8:46 AM
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Im sorry you are feeling this way. Its not fun with family isnt supporting you i understand how you feel. Maybe shes so distracted BC of the new baby?? Re you her youngest??? Maybe shes feels as if shes going to loose you BC now youll be married . parents sometimes have their rrasons which to me is weird... I would say plan which ever works for you. Eloping or having an actual wedding. . i feel. Wedding still can work out but its hiwever you feel
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Master October 2020
Margaret · on July 27, 2020 at 9:32 AM
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I'm so sorry for your loss, i know how hard it is to lose a pet that's like our child.
I'm also sorry for the lack of support from your family, that sucks. I think you should embrace your FH's family and let them help anyway they can and use them as your new support system. It sounds like that's what they want to do anyway. Your mom has issues, none of which you can repair and none of which it sounds like she wants to repair. I think you just have to accept that and find a way to heal yourself. Your mental well being is the most important thing here.
You noted that financially you really can't afford a wedding, a wedding shouldn't be a financial burden. You have a couple of options, you can budget what you want for a wedding and save that money and pay for the wedding in cash on the timeline you know it will take to pay it. Or you can do as you say and elope, but you can also have a very economical wedding by doing a minimony and have just those that mean the most to you and your FH followed by taking them out to dinner for a reception.
My first wedding had a total of 8 people followed by dinner out at our favorite restaurant. It was perfect!
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Super August 2006
Cassandra7 · on July 27, 2020 at 10:01 AM
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Sounds like you are the scapegoat--used by your parents but disregarded--and your sister is the golden child--valued and the subject of interest and attention. Suggest you google this phenomenon and see if it fits. (Important to remember that the children of a scapegoat are also scapegoats.)
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VIP August 2020
· on July 27, 2020 at 1:25 PM
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I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. If you have health insurance/access to a therapist with experience in childhood trauma, you may benefit from speaking to them. They might not be able to solve the issues relating to your wedding right away, but they will be able to help you process the way your mother has treated you throughout your life and figure out the best way to interact with her moving forward.
Also, it sounds like your fiancés family is incredibly supportive, so it might make sense to lean on them more right now; a support system works better when it has a stable foundation.

It's not always the healthiest decision to put off having to deal with things, but in this case it may be your best option. I wouldn't have chosen to do things this way if I didn't have to (because of covid), but I know there are things about our wedding that I was dreading, and because our reception isn't happening when we actually get married, I know I'll enjoy that day so much more. You said you don't really want to elope, and you definitely shouldn't if the only reason is to end this discussion with your mother, but it seems like there are also practical and financial reasons for you to do this. Before this year, "eloping" in my mind meant a tiny ceremony at city hall in a dress you found at the last minute because you just wanted to get married and not have to think about it, and it can be that, but it doesn't have to be. Think about the elements you would need to make a wedding feel real, independent of your relationships with anyone other than your fiancè. Then think about people who you are actually extremely close to, maybe a few friends and your fiancés family. If you can have everything you need with a very small group, you might be able to have a wedding you're happy with and can afford now, and a party later, when you feel less pressure to make everything (including your relationship with your mother) perfect.
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Expert August 2020
Angel · on July 27, 2020 at 2:04 PM
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First off, I am so sorry for your loss. We also have a pup who's like our child, and I know what you're going through. I also can completely understand where you're coming from regarding your mother.. although mine has been less than excited for different reasons, I know if I have anything wedding-related I'm excited about to not discuss it with her because she just brings me down. She shouldn't be making you feel second-best or like your current life excitements don't match up to your sisters. Definitely stop discussing things with her if it just brings you down - I'm sure there are others who would love to talk about your wedding and the joy it brings you. If you've already distanced yourself from her before, and don't want much to do with her, let alone not even want her at your wedding, I'd wait until this coronavirus stuff blows over before you start planning one. It's the biggest headache ever and will only cause more stress in your life. However, if you want something to bring you happiness and can't wait to marry your person (and don't have the money for a "typical" wedding), then elope! That could be just the silver lining you need. Unless you've dreamed of a beautiful wedding then there's no harm in waiting and seeing if your relationship gets better, if that matters to you.
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To have hope or just elope?

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