Thoughts On Our Dress Code

There’s technically no such thing as white or black tie optional as it’s about formality not clothing and acceptable to dress one step down as an alternative for either. But if you know you are likely to have many guests who can’t comply, I’d reconsider.

White tie optional/black tie is a contradiction and is confusing. Guests will know how to dress by the ballroom venue listed on your invitation.

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No they won't . Seriously, we had two guys show up for our BEACH wedding in a suit and tie. Wedding website AND invitation said "smart casual" and then went on further to explain ""Guys, don't pack a suit jacket or tie! The wedding party isn't even wearing tuxes. That being said, nice dress pants and a collared shirt are perfect. Please, absolutely no jeans, cutoffs or shorts. "

I think this bride definitely needs to spell out "Formal Attire" or "Black tie event", then hope for the best. <grin>

Agree with this. Also, you say your fiancé has a few wealthy relatives that already own the attire you are wanting all your guests to wear. I assume this means the bulk majority of your guests do not own this type of attire; which means you are essentially requiring your loved ones to drop a significant amount of money just to enter your event. If I were in your situation, I would drop the “dress code” and just allow your guests to wear formal or cocktail attire. Stuffy white tie and black tie weddings are becoming a thing of the past. Modern couples (including socialites and celebrities) are hosting black tie level events, but allowing guests to wear more comfortable, fashionable, less formal attire for that upbeat “party” vibe.

One thing to consider is the degree to which your most desired wedding guests are comfortable doing. If only your fiancé's family and friends are ready for formal attire, the wedding and reception will seem intimidating to your side. It certainly can work where the bridal party and parents, for example, are dressed up a notch more than the typical guest.

My one experience with this situation was second hand. My friend was invited to a black tie event. My friends husband rented a tuxedo. My friend reached out to the bride to see if it was okay if she wore a cocktail length dress instead of floor length and the bride responded with “whatever makes you feel most comfortable” my friend decided to purchase a floor length dress to make sure she complied with the dress code.


Fast forward to the wedding. There were tons and tons and loads of guests wearing semi formal attire. Short cocktail dresses. Men wearing ties and sport coats. My friends were quite annoyed they went above and beyond and spent all that money when the other guests just showed up wearing whatever.

So I guess my advice would be to put “formal attire” and trying spreading by word of mouth that many guests will be wearing coattails and floor length dresses. I would just be prepared for some to not follow.

View Quoted Comment At least your guests dressed up instead of down. I’ve seen the opposite like guests wearing jeans.
Luckily, All of our guests dressed appropriately even though we had no mention of attire.

View Quoted Comment This is true! I was REALLY worried about guys in shorts -mainly the drama cousin, but since he declined the invite I felt confident that the rest would dress nicely.

View Quoted Comment Yes! We went to a wedding reception held OUTDOORS in a picnic grove. The invite and website said "wear your best formal attire" 🙄 so we complied. Me in a long gown, hubster in suit and tie. We were one of 5 people besides the bridal party in formal wear. UGH. Worse, to me, was the fact that it was a picnic buffet!! (For which I was bashed here on WW for complaining about, btw) So long story short, spell out your dress code and hope people (like me) follow it. Good luck and happy planning.

View Quoted Comment People bashed you for complaining about an outdoor picnic buffet wedding that requested formal attire?! That’s crazy! The hosts obviously did not understand proper wedding etiquette, because that is beyond tacky. Yikes.

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Check out the last post in the thread ...... (there are several others, but this one really cut me) https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-forums/advice-for-those-planning-their-weddings-on-a-budget/2b1a2e5d4604db6a.html

My niece, who was married about 10 years ago, in NYC, had a wedding of the type you are planning. If I recall, it was "black tie optional"; the ceremony and reception took place at The Harvard Club, 3 weeks before Christmas. She is the only child of my only sibling, my late, beloved brother. He'd died about 3 years before she got married but had promised her the wedding of her dreams, and worked very very hard to provide for it. My niece was also marrying into a fairly wealthy, and very nice, family. My husband, son & I are the only close family on our side but my brother had a few very dear close friends, most with whom we'd grown up. We are all, I like to think, classy, good-hearted people of comfortably modest means. That all said, my husband decided to have a tuxedo made. I bought a ball gown. Our son, who'd just bought a house and was expecting his 2nd child, rented a very nice tuxedo and his wife wore a simple but lovely gown. Most of the guests, especially on her mother's side and the groom's side - they were quite well-off- wore tuxedoes and ball gowns, most everyone else was in formal attire. There were a couple of guests who could not manage fancy wear but were nicely dressed. Point being that everyone made the effort, having seen "black tie optional" on the invitation, to be correctly attired for this very fancy occasion. As a PS: as appropriately decked out as we from my brother's side were, my niece and her mom, who are, in plain language, snobbish "b--ches" and have always treated our family like "poor relations" , relegated our group - the bride's only paternal aunt, uncle and cousin, and her Dad's closest, dearest and oldest friends, to the back of the room for the ceremony, and deliberately did not allow us to get photos of them as they entered. They came to our table only once to collect our gift. I guess a further point here is that yes, you should be able to set a dress code so that your guests are attired in the spirit of the affair you have planned. However, just because a family member or friend is not in the same "social strata", they shouldn't be treated like they don't matter as guests. PPS: After several more incidents where my niece and her mom essentially ignored us, and adding up all the insults we bore over the years for the sake of my parents and brother, I dropped them for good. We did, however, get a great family photo!

A question: is the ceremony taking place before noon - is that why your fiance wants to wear a morning suit?

In addition to what others have said, don’t worry about it looking weird if the groom is dressed more formally than the other guests! No one bats an eye when the bride walks in with her giant ball gown at a semi-formal reception. I think it’s totally fine if the two of you are a step above the other guests, and it’ll still be a really beautiful sophisticated event if no one else is wearing coat tails.

View Quoted Comment Wow. Ridiculous. Not to sound petty, but it sounds like the person who wrote that scathing comment is probably planning a Wedding with similar etiquette faux pas, and is trying to justify their own inconsiderate choices. 🙄

For aesthetics, I would write "white tie" in the details card and elaborate on the wedding website. This will give your guests time to prepare for the occasion. Perhaps elaborate on the wedding website that black tie is acceptable as is usual one step down. Black tie for a city wedding is not atypical and there's a difference between NY cocktail and an evening wedding at the Pierre.

I'm unsure of your gender, but have you thought about the formality of what you will be wearing? Will you also wear a coat with tails? Or if in a ballgown, will you wear full-length gloves the entire evening? Is a tiara required? Will there be a wardrobe change like a short dress that conflicts with tails? Do you care if your WP (should you have one) wear gloves as well? Guests? If this formal vibe is not you, or if you prefer more of a party atmosphere, then perhaps the couple, WP, and family can dress more formally than their guests.

Why not let the groom stand out for being more formal though? I think there’s no shame in saying “formal” and further elaborating on the card or website. You can even say the groom will be in a morning suit and best men (if having any) will be in “blah blah blah” to help people out. Like others said, go a step down for clothes that most everyone owns.