Thoughts on "black tie optional" weddings

@wwlynnie yes the groom and groomsmen are wearing tuxes. As are our close male family members not in the wedding, i.e. both our grandfathers, fathers, uncles, and cousins.

For what it's worth, I think most people close to us will understand it's formal as it's an evening wedding in a mansion. Or they'd just ask. However there are a bunch of out of town second/third cousins on both sides that are coming that might not and I don't want people to feel they're under dressed and be uncomfortable.

The invitation is very formal. Maybe that will be enough of an indicator. At our last meeting with the printer, we had said to go ahead and put black tie optional on because we thought it would be helpful. Didn't realize it was such a controversial decision. She's still working on the mock ups and we haven't gone in to proof yet. Should I call her now and let her know we're considering changing it or just wait for the proof to come in and make the change then?

My venue is all inclusive, honestly I thought my wedding was formal, because weddings are formal events to me, but didn't realize it was 'black tie' until reading the list Elphaba posted. We upgraded certain things for guest comfort. Either way The only aspect we are not having is a live multi piece band cause our families would not appreciate a band as much as a DJ. Actually a band was high on both sides 'no' list

@CaboBride I wasn't planning on doing a website. I didn't realize that was a thing lol. The only guests I could see checking a website are friends and they'd know from talking to us. A website wouldn't help the older distant relatives I'm worried about because they'd be unlikely to check it.

"Black tie optional" is so awkward. Guys are left wondering whether to go to the trouble of renting a tux. And if they do rent one, it's very possible that they will be the only ones in a tux aside from the wedding party which is super uncomfortable. I would not include that.

If you are having a DJ, your wedding is not a formal black tie event. But who cares? Black tie events are their own thing.

Just went to a "black tie optional" wedding last night. I saw ONE poor awkward guy in a tux.

And the wedding itself was nowhere near being anything like a legit black tie affair.

I really think your guests will understand from the venue and feel of your invitation that your wedding is more on the formal side and will dress accordingly. So I would leave it off the invitation and trust them to know how to dress.

I would add it for the obvious reasons. I dress nicely to weddings but let's be honest, most people don't wear gowns. I would like the heads up so I am prepared for an event like the one you're having.

Doesn't the ceremony time also dictate what type of attire is worn? This might just be a southern thing, but I thought anything after 6pm is understood as black tie unless otherwise noted. We're doing black tie optional, only listed it on our website. Our ceremony is at 6pm, groomsmen & family will be in tuxes, but no tails or anything. I had no idea people disliked "black tie optional" so much! I thought it was a good thing to have broader guidelines...

Here's a link that breaks down the different dress codes: http://www.cbsnews.com/news/wedding-guest-etiquette-what-in-the-world-do-i-wear/

I went to a black tie optional wedding last year. I bought a gown for it, which I didn't want to do because they're expensive as hell. But I asked the bride and she said she preferred long dresses. When I got to the wedding, only about 40% of the women were in long dresses. Now I just have this expensive gown sitting in my closet that I apparently didn't need to buy and will probably never wear again. Just something to think about!

Black tie optional is widely recognized as an actual dress code....it means tuxedos are invited but not required. Not sure why some are saying it isn't. I haven't seen the etiquette articles stating that it isn't a real dress code....curious to see that evidence if anyone has it.

No, it definitely is not recognized as any dress code.

Okay, I disagree. I did a lot of reading on this before we stated Black Tie optional on our website. I guess I should correct my earlier statement and note that we do not have white glove service. If we did it would be a true black tie affair. But given that we do have every other element, it's important to us that people know that the event is formal. At the same time we don't want to force them to buy or rent a tuxedo. Stating Black Tie optional gives them the idea that they should wear something nicer than a polo shirt and khakis (acceptable under many definitions of semi-formal), but that they do not have to go all out to rent a tuxedo. It also lets the women know that if they're going to wear a cocktail dress maybe it should be nicer than something they got at Old Navy for $20. As a guest, I do appreciate some guide on what to wear. At the end of the day, it's just a suggestion and they can do whatever they want. The important thing is to have them there with us.

@A.L I want a formal affair that is all, but I don't care what people wear. A lot of items on the black tie list to me is just good hosting. I never approached it as I must have these items to make my wedding grand. Black tie optional is confusing and if your are giving people the option why list it. If it is a wedding at a banquet hall people will dress accordingly.

Wow. Um, I think if a woman can afford a $20 Old Navy dress that looks nice, you shouldn't police them.

I didn't know weddings were commonly this formal. I would prefer to at least be told about the formality. Other than wedding in which I was a groomsman I have never been a wedding more dressed up than a button down and slacks. I don't even own a suit so if you want a formal wedding at least in my area you need to let the guests know. (Common wedding attire in my area is button down or a polo and dress pants)

Thanks for all the advice, even if I am still a little confused lol.

The more I think about it the more I think the majority of our guests will come dressed appropriately. It's pretty standard around here to attend evening weddings in suits and cocktail dresses. As for gowns and tuxes, I'll assume those guests who have those things and like wearing them will ask us or a close family member if it'd be appropriate.

I think you're getting "opinions" vs actual etiquette, Juliet, and that's what makes it confusing. Proper etiquette is that you never state a dress code on an invitation. Black tie is the exception, because it actually is describing a level of service vs the specific dress code. There is a strictly defined etiquette around black tie and a number of criteria have to be met in order to call an event "black tie".

Black tie optional isn't a thing, although people that are unaware of this etiquette think it means "dress fancy and tuxes are OK".

@Jacks thanks. I think what makes it more confusing is that both The Knot and Martha Stewart Wedding list "black tie optional" as a dress code, without any caveat of it not being a thing or being improper etiquette. I assumed those sites would be considered experts and if they say it's ok, then I assumed it was acceptable but people here seem strongly opposed to it, so I don't know...maybe the etiquette has changed as it became more common? I'm still considering taking it out. Maybe I'll see what our venue coordinator thinks.

ETA. Not sure what either of those sites says about including it on the invite, but they do definitely acknowledge it as a thing that exists.

My daughter wants to put "Black Tie optional" on her wedding invites. I told her not to. If your invited to a wedding, most people will look up the Venue. They will dress appropriately. Now, unless your holding it the woods or beach, they will also know how to dress. If the groom & groomsmen are not wearing Tuxs, but suits (which seems to be the trend now) you dont tell the men guest its "BTO". I think guest know what to wear to a wedding unless they are "Hillbillies" or "live in a cave"!