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Juliet
Dedicated November 2017

Thoughts on "black tie optional" weddings

Juliet, on March 27, 2017 at 1:50 AM Posted in Wedding Attire 0 39

FH and I are getting married in a rather elegant mansion in the Fall. Several close female friends and relatives have mentioned that they're excited to wear a formal gown to the wedding, so I thought it would be best to put "black tie optional" on the invitation so that other guests who enjoy dressing up can without looking overdressed, but that no one feels obligated to buy a new gown or rent a tux if they don't have one because it is optional. Nice cocktail dresses and dark suits are perfectly fine in my opinion, but I know several family members will be in gowns and tuxes. I don't want to come off as pushy or demanding but I don't want people to feel over or under dressed.

Is it appropriate to include this request? And as guests, how do you usually feel about being invited to a "black tie optional" wedding? Do you feel like you're being told how to dress or forced into dressing a way you normally wouldn't?

39 Comments

Latest activity by Sammy, on March 4, 2019 at 3:29 AM
  • RealLindseyO
    Master October 2017
    RealLindseyO ·
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    Black tie isn't just a dress code, and it isn't "optional". Don't tell your guests how to dress.

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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Black tie optional isn't a thing. You can't tell people how to dress, it's rude, especially on an invitation. The formality of the event will be reflected in the style of the invitation and your venue.

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  • Juliet
    Dedicated November 2017
    Juliet ·
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    @Elphaba we are having all those things. Still I don't want guests to feel like they have to wear gowns and tuxes so I thought "black tie optional" would be a good way to let them know that while the wedding is formal, they're not obligated to dress a certain way because their presence is more important to us than their attire.

    Didn't know black tie optional wasn't a thing. I've seen it on half a dozen wedding invites over the years. I have no problem not including it, but the printer actually suggested it for the invitations so guests unfamiliar with the venue (which is most) would have a better idea of the level of formality of the night.

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  • OGJessieJV
    Master July 1867
    OGJessieJV ·
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    Black tie optional isn't a real thing. If you are having a true Black Tie Affair, it must be on your engraved invites. As PPs have pointed out a Black Tie Affair is more than just a dress code.

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  • LadyWatson
    Super October 2017
    LadyWatson ·
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    I added "cocktail attire" to my wedding website.. from following the board and vendor listed on WW I wouldn't add it on the Invitation.

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  • CuteNickname
    Super July 2017
    CuteNickname ·
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    I had no idea there were such strong opinions about not using the words "black tie optional". We didn't put it on our invitations. We did put it on our website. Our wedding does have all the elements that Elphaba lists.

    For clarification, in the FAQ's on the site, we said that long gowns and tuxes are welcome, as is cocktail attire. ETA: We did this for a similar reason as OP. Most of our guests are unfamiliar with the venue. Stating a suggested dress code gives guests peace of mind that they will show up appropriately dressed. "Formal" means that tuxedos are required. "Semi-formal" indicates cocktail attire. Black tie optional allows for either. It suits our event. Those who are excited to wear gowns are happy to have a reason to. Those who would rather reuse their little black dress are also welcome to. Anyone dressed more casually will look out of place. It's just a fact...might as well give them a heads up.

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  • Sarah
    Savvy May 2018
    Sarah ·
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    I think putting dress code suggestion is a good idea. I personally think as a guest, it's useful information. I wouldn't want to show up to a formal event in a short cocktail dress while everyone else is in long dresses or vice versa.

    And according to the Knot, black tie optional is a thing. https://www.google.com/amp/www.theknot.com/content/amphtml/what-to-wear-formal-black-tie-optional-black-tie-invited

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  • Christina
    Devoted August 2018
    Christina ·
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    Black tie is more than just a dress code as PPs have stated. Further, if it's a black tie event... it's a black tie event. It's not optional.

    So if you're having a black tie affair, the "dress code" is formal attire appropriate for a black tie event - not a cocktail dress. It's not really "optional," even though you can't really tell people how to dress and some people lack judgment.

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  • MrsLaurenRenee
    Expert April 2017
    MrsLaurenRenee ·
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    I addressed the dress code only when I was asked by those who I invited. I figured most people could look up the venue and figure it out on their own. And those who couldn't/didn't would probably ask... and they did.

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  • Lynnie
    WeddingWire Administrator October 2016
    Lynnie ·
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    Hi Juliet! Is the groom wearing a tux? Are the groomsmen? It would be weird if the guests were dressed more formally than the wedding party!

    Completely personal opinion here - but Black Tie Optional is actually my least favorite dress code, because I feel like we still have to figure out what the other guests are wearing! For me I'm fine, I'll just go with a long dress, but the decision on whether or not DH wears a tux requires us asking a bunch of other guests! I've been to Black Tie Optional weddings where the couple means "It's a black tie wedding and we want everyone in tuxes but technically if you don't own one you don't have to rent or buy one", and other weddings where the couple means "the groomsmen will be wearing tuxes so it's ok to wear a tux and dress formally if you want". Sometimes half the guys show up in tuxes and DH feels like an ass for not wearing one, or at one wedding literally only one guy outside of the wedding party wore a tux and the planners and photographers kept trying to herd him over for wedding party pictures!

    You can still definitely go black tie optional, or include "semi-formal attire" on your wedding website which tells your guests to dress more formally than cocktail attire and for the guys to wear dark suits.

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  • Babybunnies
    Expert August 2014
    Babybunnies ·
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    My parents pressured me to put black tie optional on our invites, but I refused because I know it's an etiquette no no. However, from a practical perspective, I honestly don't care when people give dress code suggestions. I know tons of people who have put black tie optional on their invites or wedding website. It always seems to mean that the bridal party will be in gowns and tuxes, so you can dress that fancy if you want, but cocktail attire is fine as well. I especially appreciate dress code suggestions when there are comfort issues related to the venue. I was so grateful that a friend on her website suggested flats for her more casual wedding because it was going to be on a deck, and heels definitely would have gotten stuck between the boards!

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  • Terry
    Devoted September 2017
    Terry ·
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    I don't know the specifics of the etiquette BUT I would love to go to a super formal wedding.

    There just aren't enough good reasons to wear Evening gowns.

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  • Spiff
    VIP August 2017
    Spiff ·
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    You might be better off? putting semi formal to not allude to black tie requirements at all..

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  • Celia Milton
    Celia Milton ·
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    It doesn't exist for starters....

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  • MAMW
    VIP August 2013
    MAMW ·
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    The fanciest wedding I've ever been to did not have anything like "black tie optional" on the invitation. However, the invitation was the most formal I'd ever gotten, the venue was very nice, and it started at 7pm, among other things. Just on those 3 things alone though, I knew that I should get a very nice dress (rented it on rent the runway wooo) and get very dressed up. I don't think it's necessary to write it, and I don't think it's appropriate either.

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  • Keisha
    Master September 2018
    Keisha ·
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    I am having a black tie wedding and I will not put black tie affair on my invites. I will however make sure my invites are formal so that guests get the idea. People will wear what they deem formal wear regardless of what is on the invite

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  • CaboBride2018
    VIP May 2018
    CaboBride2018 ·
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    I understand that you want to make sure everyone is comfortable and know what to expect at the wedding. As PPs said, black tie optional isn't really an official dress code. I would just make sure you have very formal wedding invitations and mention dress code suggestions on your website.

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  • CaboBride2018
    VIP May 2018
    CaboBride2018 ·
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    I understand that you want to make sure everyone is comfortable and know what to expect at the wedding. As PPs said, black tie optional isn't really an official dress code. I would just make sure you have very formal wedding invitations and mention dress code suggestions on your website.

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  • A. L.
    Master July 2017
    A. L. ·
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    I am very curious if the people saying "yes, we are having all of these" are actually having white glove service, because that's super rare and very expensive.

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  • K.M.
    Master September 2018
    K.M. ·
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    I'm with ALC. I kind of doubt the people who say they are having a "black tie wedding" are actually having a black tie wedding.

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