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Just Said Yes May 2020

Thinking of breaking off engagement .. don’t know what to do:/

Llm, on October 20, 2019 at 6:09 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 12

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My fiancé is 37 and we’ve been together 8 years. He has been a drinker but It got to be more than I could handle and we broke up after 3 years together. He showed me he wanted to change after 6 months and I got back with him. The drinking was a lot less and we got engaged. The last year it has started to become a lot again. Sometimes he drinks 3 days a week and sometimes one. He doesn’t drink with me but when he’s with friends or coworkers he goes overboard. He thinks only beer is not an issue. I will say something to him and he won’t drink for weeks then he will start to again. Most times he drinks he gets drunk but denies it. A few weeks ago he told me he was at his brothers and I could tell in his texts ( spelling errors) he was drunk) he told me he was coming home and never showed up. I woke up at 3am and freaked out. He fell asleep there.he apologized and I had a long talk with him and said we can’t get married unless this changes. He knows I’ve always had a problem with excessive drinking. He agreed. Fast forward two weeks, he goes out with his boss, says he’s going to the bar at 10pm for “a drink” and comes home at 3:30 am without letting me know he would be out that late. Again I woke up and he wasn’t home and I was worried. I don’t know what to do. We just talked about this a few weeks prior how I hate waking up not knowing if he’s ok. And not telling me he’s staying until close. The ring is not paid for , everything is booked and his father is very sick with cancer. Looking for any advice I can get:/

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Latest activity by Traci, on October 21, 2019 at 9:18 AM

Rockstar July 2019
Veronica · on October 20, 2019 at 6:51 PM
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If it were me, I couldn't live like that. My dad is a recovering alcoholic and it was very hard to watch him destroy his body. It took him getting very sick to quit. It sounds like your fiance has a drinking problem and unless he is willing to get serious help then sadly things probably won't change. Not sure if you have children, but being around someone with a drinking problem isn't good for children. It also isn't good for a relationship. From what you said you broke up once before because of it and yet he still drinks so that unfortunately tells me that drinking is a priority over your relationship. I'm so sorry, but if I were in your shoes I would walk away.
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Super February 2020
Jeanie · on October 20, 2019 at 7:12 PM
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Unfortunately you can't force someone to stop a bad habit no matter how hard you try or how much you want them to. Drinking is an addiction, a bad habit per say, and if he doesn't see it as a problem, he's no where near ready to stop. This sounds like a line you're not willing to cross and live with, so I think you already know what you should do. If you don't want to go through with the marriage, you should tell him that now. The financial stuff will work itself out and marrying because his father is ill is a really bad reason to marry someone. But I think you know this. I wish you luck.
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Devoted April 2022
Sarah · on October 20, 2019 at 7:17 PM
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From my experience and from my cousin’s, I’ll say this: don’t be with someone who’s trying to change—be with someone who’s already changed.

My father was an alcoholic. My mom stayed in a marriage with him that turned abusive due to his drinking for far longer than anyone should have, and it had a permanent effect on her mental health. Not only was he not the father that my sisters and I needed and not the husband that our mother needed, but the effects of his drinking made it so that our mom couldn’t be the mother we needed, either.

My cousin married an addict as well—drinking and other, harder drugs. She loved him dearly, and he told her he would try to change about a million times, and the change never happened. She finally drew the line at him cheating on her and they filed for divorce. Luckily there weren’t any children involved, but it was a really painful process for her that she’s still healing from.

The bottom line is—if someone wants to change, they will. If someone doesn’t want to change, they won’t. It has no bearing on how much they love you—it’s about how much they love (or don’t love) themselves, which unfortunately is something you have little to no control over. But you can’t force someone to address a problem they aren’t ready to take on yet.
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Expert September 2020
Marcia · on October 20, 2019 at 7:19 PM
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I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years. He was always going to change, stop drinking, etc. He never did and we got divorced. I saw the warning signs but ignored them and married him anyway.
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Dedicated August 2020
Sara · on October 20, 2019 at 7:23 PM
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This hits close to home for me. My fiance and I had been dating 3 years when his drinking was to much for me. He got 2 DUI's in the course of 6 months and it was overall scary, he was always angry when he wasnt drunk and would go to work drunk, lost 2 jobs because of it. So I asked my therapist what I could do and she told me nothing. It wasnt up to me to change him. So I made a hard decision and I left him. I cried for months, he was the one I wanted my life to be with, he helped me raise my son and was there for so much but it wasnt healthy. Well a year and a half later I get a text from him out of the blue, he told me he went to rehab he turned himself around and hasn't touched alcohol since I left. He needed to do it for himself and I guess for him, losing his family was his absolute rock bottom. I have no advice because I did the same as you and I left. Dont beat yourself up about it because there is nothing you can do, if he wants to change it has to be for himself. Only then will he make the decision to quit completely and be sober. If he doesnt do it for himself, then he hasn't hit his rock bottom yet... it's such a tough spot to be in and I ache for you because I went there too. Alcohol addiction is still a nasty addiction. Hopefully he can find it in him self to want to change.
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Just Said Yes May 2020
Llm · on October 20, 2019 at 7:30 PM
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His drinking was a lot worse when we first met. He was drunk about 4x a week and I stayed for 3 years of that because he is a sweet guy. Then I left and it got better but he still gets drunk more than I’m comfortable with. Thank you for sharing.
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Just Said Yes May 2020
Llm · on October 20, 2019 at 7:33 PM
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That is awful. I’m sorry to hear you went through that.
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Devoted July 2020
Brandi · on October 20, 2019 at 7:40 PM
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That’s definitely a call you have to make. It seems like he’s showing signs of an alcoholic and if that’s something you can’t tolerate, cut the cord now before it’s too late. I’d suggest counseling, both individually and together and see if progress is made. However, I would definitely wait before moving forward.
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Devoted August 2018
Kristin · on October 20, 2019 at 8:04 PM
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I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years. He, too, would pass out somewhere and not come home. Strangers would call because they found his overcoat and phone in a cab, etc etc. I can’t even begin to enumerate how his disease will tear you down but by bit until there’s nothing left. It’s a whole lot of heartache. It will not change until he is able to admit he’s an alcoholic and gets help. My ex-husband has been sober for more than 15 years now but it took a divorce to get him to see he needed to change.
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Expert August 2020
Heather · on October 20, 2019 at 9:41 PM
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The issue here is he thinks he doesn’t have a problem. The first step is to admit you do. I have lived my entire life around alcoholics and when my uncle was dying of it ( not to scare you, other health issues had completely destroyed his pancreas) I couldn’t be around him because I didn’t want to watch him die like I watched my aunt die years earlier. I know how scary and frustrating it is. If I were you, I would see if you could get some help from his family and stage an intervention and get him into rehab. I really wish you the best of luck ❤️
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VIP October 2020
Taylor · on October 21, 2019 at 9:08 AM
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The best piece of advice I've ever gotten is that people will do what they want to do. You can beg and plead with him to change his ways but at the end of the day he's going to do what he wants. His words might not match his actions but I think you know where he stands on this matter. This is a decision only you can make, but if I were having this level of doubt before I was married, I'd cut the cord. Easier said than done, I know. I wish you the best of luck and hope your heart finds some peace during all of this.
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Devoted October 2021
Traci · on October 21, 2019 at 9:18 AM
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Hi Hun,
My advice is that the decision is yours to make. However, my input is that....you can't change people. You can't change who they are. I feel he has a drinking problem but hasnt faced that problem yet.

If I were in that position, i would cut the engagement. I know you love him, but your mental health comes first!!!! You come first hun.

I wish you the best in life. And please reach out to us for more support if needed.
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Thinking of breaking off engagement .. don’t know what to do:/

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