Thinking about uninviting my mom to the wedding...

(continued) The latest issue, over the last 4-5 months, has been that her brother & sister-in-law (my aunt & uncle) aren't invited to the wedding. This is because we're having a very small wedding of ~35 people, and NONE of our extended family are invited. We told all of our parents (oh and by the way, both of us have divorced parents...more complicated) that we'd love it if they threw us BBQs later in the summer for the extended families so that we could still celebrate w/everyone. EVERYONE else understands and has been great, but my mom has literally brought this up to me at least 20 times in the last few months. I have asked her repeatedly to drop it but she won't - it's all about her. She is ranting & raving and now the wedding is 1.5 months away and I can't imagine having this stress on the wedding day!! But I also cant imagine getting married without my mom. Has anyone else been in a similar boat with a mom or close family member?? I don't know what to do.

Last comment, she isn't the kind of person who would make a scene on the wedding day... she's the kind of person who would make a scene like every day leading up to the wedding, then would probably get through the day itself so as to look OK in front of others, but just with lots of pouting and sulking and muttering stuff under her breath. So that's what I'm trying to decide if I want to put up with... I feel bad for my mom, I really do, but I can't take the brunt of her issues anymore, she refuses to get help, and I just want a peaceful wedding day...

That's tough. If you tell your mother you do not want her to come, won't that create more drama. You really can't uninvite her unless you are will to cut her out of your life totally because how do you recover from that?

On your wedding day she will be happy, in a great mood because she is having a good time and as MOB have alot of attention on her. So hopefully she will be on her best behavior.

Stop letting her in on all the details. Some people and some relationships just can't handle it that level of information and involvement.

Treat her like any one of your other guests. Good luck!

I agree with Paris just do talk about it with her. If she brings it up don't engage her. Say "ok", "I'll think about that" or "It's already been decided" Then let it go.

"she's the kind of person who would make a scene like every day leading up to the wedding, then would probably get through the day itself so as to look OK in front of others"

-Can we think of a way to prevent you from having to deal with the day to day complaints just to get you through to the wedding, where she will probably behave? I am thinking if you uninvite her, she will probably cause the same amount (if not more) drama for you leading up to the wedding. Since it is already all about her, uninviting her would probably give her ample cause to complain about you to everyone. Can you possibly uninvolve her in the planning process? Avoid talking to her about plans, keep her in the dark about as many details as you possibly can?

Give her 'wild goose chase' projects to do while you plan the real stuff. What do you have left to do? Maybe give her a job, something that is not important either way. How about gathering song requests from everyone who IS coming? One song request from each

Yeah, I've tried that, it just makes her mad because I'm "keeping her out of the loop" on everything, and complains to me about being left out instead, even though obviously she can't handle being in the loop on anything.

The only thing you can do is put space between the two of you. Make yourself unavailable.

Yeah, the problem is I've tried that and she will then find excuses to not do it... like, she SAYS she wants to be involved but once I actually ask for her help she is suddenly "too stressed at work," just hasnt had time to get around to whatever it is, etc... she is seriously impossible!! :-( Thanks for the input though guys I appreciate it. Talking to a therapist about her myself, but it would be great to hear from folks who have dealt with similar issues w/their fams before the wedding.

I guess I just need to avoid her completely and hope she keeps it together on the day of...

Person. Then avoid planning the actual songs with her, just say "thanks, you did a great job. Dont worry about that, I will take care of it." Let it all be a surprise on the actual day, that way she doesnt have time to complain in between. I understand what you are going through (with a dependent relative). It is not easy. We have to think of a way from you remove yourself from her problems. Also, if you have a BM or relative of your mom who could help you, maybe you could talk with them and see if they could help give your mom the run around. So when she calls to complain, tell her to call the relative. It would suck for the relative, but perhaps they could listen to your mom's complaints and tell her they will consider it. Also, something I personally have found very helpful with this type of person is to come across very smpathetic to their problems. I say, "Oh I know you are in such a terrible plight with your ___ situation, so I will make sure to ____ so it doesn't affect you"

- But everyone is different and maybe that wont work for you. (somehow confirming her plight makes her complain about it less in my situation) Could you just stop picking up her phone calls? Its only a 1.5 months away, if you could just avoid her until then....

If you really don't want her there and won't regret not having her there then don't uninvite her. It may cause you bigger problems, so you have to think of that too.

I'm so sorry for your situation. Bi polar can be hard...you even said you think it is more like borderline personality disorder. She can't help it, even if she got " help" it doesn't always help. My fh is bi polar....they had him on a crazy amount of pills that made him worse. The past few years being off most of them has helped stabble him out. I don't know your mom's situation...so I don't know what she is going through. I do know that with someone like that the best thing to do us keep control of the situations. You shouldn't block her out but make specific plans to get a few things done together. If she can't hold her end up fine....do it yourself. Try to ignore her comments about other family coming. You have explained it enough. I know it isn't always fair having to deal with this but she is your mother.

Hey Shannan, I am having a similar issue with my FMIL, she is also bipolar and we never know what mood she will be in from one day to the next. I have always been super respectful of her and to her, and we get along well... I know when to back off and when to engage her, but ever since we started planning our wedding, she has become really distant and unengaged in the entire process.

She didn't even come to the wedding shower at all... and we have not heard from her in regards to attending the wedding. So honestly, we do not even know if she will attend her only son's wedding...and she, the same as your mom, refuses to get any help or medication to stabilize her moods.

It is really hard and I sympathize with you tremendously! Just like your mom, when she is around other people, she seems to be on her best behavior, but all of the lead up to any event, is always a long road to get through with her.

Best advise I can give, is to just keep doing what your doing... (continued)

(continued)... when she asks you questions, just keep your answers short without going too much into details... keep her slightly enlightened in your plans... and just keep reminding yourself that she is sick, and take any comments in one ear and out of the other. That's the best thing that I have learned to do with my FMIL... just take her comments and actions with a grain of salt and brush it off. Nothing or no one should ruin or mood and planning time for your special day... keep your head up and just think of how beautiful you & FH will be on your wedding day!

(Family is sometimes the worst behaved during the planning process) LOL

I have an idea.

Call your uncle and aunt. Tell them the kind of wedding you are having and that you are not inviting any extended family. Ask them if you can video conference / skype them in if they wish to witness it. Then ask them if they can give you the BEST gift ever, which would be to get you no gift but instead pretend to your mother that they are invited to the wedding so that you can get through till then. Also let them know that you will be showing the ceremony on screen at the BBQ you will have later in the summer.

voila, mom thinks she got her way.

you get no stress

uncle and aunt understand the sit and dont get upset and also get a reward and everyone wins.

My mom isn't invited to my wedding either. Well, actually, she flat out told me she wants nothing to do with either of us. She HATES my FH and I do mean HATE! He tried calling her 2 weeks ago in an effort to mend the bridge and it didn't work out too well. She gave him an ear full and hung up on him. She has even tried taking away my kids, he has no children. This wedding has been a complete nightmare! If your mom ais anything like my mom, nothing will please her. I have tried to appeal to her the best way possible, but she has it made up in her head that he and I will never be welcome in her home. My oldest brother told me to live my life for me. He said I am the captain of my own happiness and I cannot live to make everyone else happy. I love my mom and it hurts not having her helping me with the wedding, but everything happens for a reason and I believe she will come around one day. This is YOUR day, don't let the misery of others steal your joy!

Yipes! tricky stuff. i'm sorry you have to go through with that. i'd invite her, give her a job to do, something you don't really care about, and maybe that will keep her focused on something else?

Hi Shannon, my brother is also a diagnosed bi-polar but probably more of a borderline personality disorder type, so I really feel for what you are going through right now.

I actually did uninvite my brother from my wedding and truthfully from my life for a long time because he was so destructive and inconsiderate of everyone else (it is the toughest decision you can make) He of course is the type to make a scene and have the whole show revolve around him the day of so it is a bit different from your situation

I think what you have to decide, just like I did, is if you will regret not having your mother at the wedding. That's what really matters, not the stress as hard as it is, and not what she is doing, because unfortunately that is just her - it sucks! but whether or not You are going to regret it is what is really important.