The Surrendered Wife

View Quoted Comment How would this also work in a same sex-couple or a couple who is NB or gender non-conforming? Gender is a socially constructed set of norms that people have built to mean so much.

In the book, does the man give up control around things? If so, how does the couple determine who gets control in what domain? Also, is asking clarifying questions considered nagging according to the book? If the book is concerned around trust wouldn’t it make sense to ask a lot of questions to be certain of the how, when, who, and what is being done.


Does the book have any information on how couples should proceed during instances where one partner has more experience or information on a matter (for instance I know more about cars. I’m not going to ‘yes, dear’ my husband because he has an appendage where I have a hole. I grew up building and fixing cars. He didn’t get his license until 28 and can’t even change his oil).

I get that picking one’s fights is important. Open, precise, and in-depth two-sided communication is important in a relationship as well. Does the book have a companion piece for the other partner?

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This book is not a one for all. It is impossible to have a one way of doing things for all sort of book. You don't have to agree with letting the man be the head of the household. If you want to be the head of the household, and control everything your family does...then go right ahead. More power to you. But for me? I'm getting burnt out......to where I am not able to be the best wife, mother, daughter, or friend that I want to be. I am tired of my controlling behavior dictating my emotions, and I WANT a more intimate relationship. Therefore, I am learning how to have an equal marriage where we are BOTH the head of the household....by empowering my husband to take charge and trust and respect him enough to provide. This frees me up to do more things that I want to do. We can both provide things according to our strengths that truly create a harmonious and equal marriage.

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Except it is literally not true that men and women "are wired differently, think differently, have different opinions and views, put importance on different things, and have different strengths and weaknesses." Can you think of a single way in which every woman in the world thinks one way, and every single man in the world thinks a different way? Or in which every woman in the world has one opinion or view, and every man in the world has a different one? Or in which every woman in the world thinks something is important, and every man in the world thinks it is unimportant, or vice versa?

Yes, there are areas in which the average woman thinks differently, etc., than the average man. But in the context of a couple, we should be looking at how each of the parties thinks, not making generalizations based on how other men or women think.

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A lot of individual strengths and weaknesses come from your gender. Whether you want to admit it or not. If this offends you, then this book probably isn't for you and you should move on and not read it.

View Quoted Comment Another recommendation for The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work by John Gottman! Gottman is absolutely fantastic and his research is so fascinating. I'm going to check out the other books your recommended!

A friend of mine loves Esther Perel's books. I really enjoy her podcast, so I'm planning to check out her books now that I'm out of grad school and have the energy to read for fun again

I’m so confused by this thread. If a woman came on here and said “my goal in life is to have my husband provide for me and I’m going to be a stay at mom and housewife” would you all attack her for it? Or if someone came on here and said “my FH and I were really struggling but our weekly bible study nights have helped our relationship so much” would you chastise her for it? This was simply a book recommendation from one person. No required reading, no suggestion that all marriages must fall into this category, no attack on people who don’t view things the way OP does.

View Quoted Comment I get your message but oh man that was a baaaad example. Brakes are too serious to put off for any reason. You don’t gamble with your life.
For less important things? Absolutely I agree with you. Maybe husband needs a haircut before an event or something. My FH is forgetful of appointments so I’m using this example

Me : Hey did you schedule an appointment yet for your hair?
Him : Not yet but I’ll do it tomorrow
Me : Cool, can’t wait to see how it looks

Bad version
Him : I’ll do it tomorrow
Me : You don’t have time to keep putting it off. Salons book weeks in advance. What are you going to do if they’re all booked?
Him : I’ll find something, don’t worry about it
Me : Do you want me to just call for you?
Him : No I can do it
Me : Then just get it over with, you’re being ridiculous.

This is a lighter example but you can still see how it’s bad. He has to live with the consequences of his actions and be trusted to do so. He also can’t have everything done for him just because “my way is better/makes more sense”, taking control over someone’s actions makes them feel incapable of doing it themselves.

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It doesn't offend me. It's simply wrong. Again, I ask you to come up with a single way in which every woman in the world thinks or feels one way, and every man thinks or feels another?

View Quoted Comment I’m all for a healthy debate and swapping of ideas.

These are not ‘facts.’

Gender is a spectrum and is not linked to the way one processes information. Sex-linked brain differences have not been supported by science. Neurosexism was touted due to flashy headlines and reporters running wild with bad science (poorly done research). Even a quick good search will show that sex-linked brain difference research is teeming with innumeracy, misinterpretation of findings, publication bias, weak statistical power, and inadequate controls.

The only thing that makes us “different” is societal expectations and social norms.

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This might be true in some fashion, but a lot of those things are socialized because gender roles/norms are absolutely socialized. As soon as the parents find out what their baby's gender is, they start to talk to the baby differently and use different words to describe their baby. It is socialized through the types of toys people buy their children and what people assume their baby is supposed to like based on their gender. This stuff doesn't just happen on its own. It is the result of social interaction.

Also, you keep saying that "men and women are wired differently" and that is true. But social interaction teaches/shows our brain how to wire itself.

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Thank you for your intellectual perspective that does not blast off from your personal feelings without even trying to see the other side. I can definitely appreciate reading and listening to a reasonable person explain their side. And I totally agree it's not a "one size fits all answer." Nothing will ever be a one size fits all, because people are all different in many different ways. This was just something I found helpful for me, and wanted to share. People can either read it or not....doesn't bother me either way. The only thing important to me is being the best ME I can be, and being the best wife & mother I can be. This book has helped me gain some perspective, and that doesn't mean I agree 100% with is entirety...but I still found it helpful.

View Quoted Comment Lol between this (check my comment above yours we posted at exactly the same time) and the comment about my book recommendations I have to say I’m loving your vibe.

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I write this post about the author. I wrote this about a book I read that shined some perspective and helped me...whether I agree with it 100% or not, I still think it can be helpful to others. What you just quoted is not in this book. So therefore is irrelevant to me. If you don't want to read the book, then just don't read the book.

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Yes, yes, yes....EXACTLY THIS!!! You're welcome, and I hope it helps

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I honestly can't help you, if you can't see the difference. Clearly your mind is closed, and therefore you should not read this book. Doesn't seem like it is something that would interest you...so move on. Believe it or not, there are other women that feel differently than you do, and this may be something that could help them with certain issues they may have.

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No...and I am unsure why you are surprised by this? Most men aren't into romance. When's the last time a straight man said "If only someone would whisper sweet nothings in my ear and carry me off into the sunset?"

If she's so independent why isn't getting her own brakes done? If the husband is just going to a mechanic the wife can easily do that too?
That sounds more a lazy wife and husband than independent or controlling!
Laziness will reduce intimacy as well, if one person gives more in a relationship than the other it also leads to burn out. A lot of times women are called "nags" or "controlling" when they are putting more emotional work into a relationship and are becoming burnt out because they are not having the love and emotional work reciprocated.

View Quoted Comment I’m glad you found something that can help your relationship grow stronger! That’s the important part. I think a lot of people including myself are given pause about the language used. The message behind it is what you learn from but if the words use don’t appeal then those people won’t read it. I’m sorry you’re getting attacked over sharing a book.

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This book isn't for same gender couples. And I'm really not going to get started on the rest of your gender beliefs. We definitely have different views on it. This book is for a woman that has found herself burnt out and wanting to learn how to lose some of that overbearing need to control every little thing. How to learn how to have more give and take, and learning how some behavior is toxic. That's it. If none of that applies to you, then don't read it and move on. There is no need to nitpick it. It's within my right to share a book for other woman that have the same views and beliefs as me...even if everyone doesn't agree.

View Quoted Comment I know this is a serious point but I’m laughing anyway because my FH absolutely would love both of those, and he likes being the little spoon.
Now I’m picturing carrying him over the threshold! 😂 Ok he might not like that part.