The Surrendered Wife

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The average man is slightly different from the average woman. But "average" doesn't say anything about a particular couple. That would be kind of like saying that because the average man is taller than the average woman, we should pretend that the 6'4" wife is shorter than the 5'3" husband. How about if we look at individual strengths and weaknesses, instead of trying to force everyone into a mold based on their gender?

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Exactly this!!!

I've stumbled across this philosophy before. I personally think the author likely had a large compatability issue with her husband and decided to change. I personally don't find it healthy to overhaul your personality, both sides should commit to changing together. I am always very suspicious when marriage advice only applies to one party, marriage is a team, to change successfully will need the whole team.
I inquired my fiance's thoughts on the philosophy and he had some harsh words about it. 🤣 I think it'd be a good topic to discuss with someone before marriage. I think it gives a good understanding of how each person perceives their roles.

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Exactly, I'm not talking about physical differences. My FH and I know our strengths and weaknesses; therefore we function better together as a team. He takes charge on projects that he's better at and vice versa. I'm not even talking about intellectual differences; mainly emotional. For instance, it doesn't upset my FH when I forget to do something he asks me to do. However, I can sometimes get highly offended when he forgets something. I take it personally, while he does not because we are very different in terms of emotional intelligence.

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I get giving up some control, I don't need to be in control all the time; however, staying quite and not having an opinion is something that I can't do it. My voice should have as much value as his.

I went to you tube and listened to her speak. I kid you no she said this way you can end verbal and emotional abuse. I will never ever give that women a single penny. Please do not lower yourself for a guy. https://youtu.be/Dzx0bZun18U

Theres the proof.

View Quoted Comment After seeing this I will not give that women a single penny. https://youtu.be/Dzx0bZun18U

I haven’t read the book yet and I’m trying to be open minded because I agree with a lot of what you’re saying.

I think anyone taking control all the time is going to feel burn out and underappreciated because “I do everything” and the underpowered partner to feel resentful and defeated because “you never let me do anything” but I don’t believe for one second in it having anything to do with gender, this problem happens all the time in same sex relationships. It’s simply a relationship thing.

There is more than one way for a “man to be a man” and to support that. I will always tell my FH when he is wrong and he’ll do the same for me. I won’t support staying silent if it hinders growth. There’s nice and even humorous ways to tell someone they were wrong. I think you can be loving and tender even showing people their errors and flaws.

The thing is, human beings can handle critique, it’s how we rebuild, how we evolve! The problem comes from(as you have pointed out) when you stop acknowledging or appreciating the good and mundane. You stop noticing your partner makes dinner or does the dishes, it becomes so common it’s not “worth” thanking them for. I know you know as you read this that this is wrong, but it’s harder to see it in real life.
Human beings want to feel appreciated, that’s why work morale is so important. The same thing happens at home.

I’ve been living with my FH for thirteen years so I’m just going by what I’ve learned cohabitating with him, it might not work for a different relationship but from the albeit short description of this book I don’t think it’s a one size fits all answer either.

View Quoted Comment And change what you do so you are not verbals abused. That’s what she says.

https://youtu.be/Dzx0bZun18U

I have not read the book, and wasn't considering it before, but I may take a look after reading your post.

After being in a horrible relationship for twelve years..i got used to doing everything on my own. I got used to constant abandonment..only for him to come back when it suited him. I was dumb. So anyway..because of that I have been conditioned to always have control. If I don't do it, no one else will. Well.. Ive met a wonderful man who is constantly extending his help to me..and I can see that it bothers him that I would rather do it myself. He doesn't expect me to stand there and be quiet..to agree with him always. He respects me and my thoughts and feelings. I need to be better at working as a team..because that's what he wants. It makes him feel good when I let him help. I need to let go of some control.

Thanks for sharing.

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Why is anyone taking this woman seriously is beyond me. so if I stay quite, and let a man do as he please so I don't get abused? Lol I just can't

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It's not that having an opinion would emasculate a man...it's knowing when that opinion is worth expressing. And having the strength to pick battles does not make you fragile. Nothing about being more trusting and respective to another human being "dumbs us down." And it's definitely not to make a man feel superior, its to let him be what he wants to be, which more often than not is a husband that want's to provide for, make happy, and protect his wife and family. This book doesn't tell you to stop challenging each other...it helps you realize that your controlling behavior isn't healthy and ultimately prevents intimacy. It helps show you how giving up control gives you more power. That is why it needs to be read before judged.

For example,

Before
Husband- The brakes are starting to go on the car, so I'm gonna take it in next week.

Wife- Next week? Brakes are pretty serious. Don't you think you should take it in right away? You can't drive without brakes.

Husband- I don't have time right away. The brakes are good enough to last another week.

Wife- Hmm. I think you should take take it in right away. Why wait until next week?

Husband- I'm not going to have time right now.

Wife- You need to make time for things like that.

Husband- There's just too much going on and it has to be next week.

Wife- So are you going to take it in?

Husband- Next Week!

Wife- Maybe I can take it in for you.

Husband- Why don't you just put my head under the wheel and drive over it?

After

Husband- The breaks are starting to go on the car, so I'm going to take it in next week.

Wife- Thank you for taking care of that.

Do you see the difference, and how simply changing the way you respond affects your relationship? The "after" shows a wife that trusts and respects her husband. The "before" shows a wife that doesn't trust or respect her husband and feels the need to have control. That is what the book is trying to shine perspective on. You might not have these issues, but I DO...I let little things bother me and always need to have control over everything...and I feel as if this helps me realize how toxic that behavior is to my marriage. NO man wants to date his mother, and by constantly controlling and nagging I am treating him like I am his mother.....which no surprise prevents intimacy.

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I can't take you seriously because that is not what the book says at all. And if you'd actually read it before deciding what you think it says, you'd know that.

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And there is nothing wrong with not having interest in the book. That is your choice, and I would never say every woman must read this book. Just wanted to share it with other women that might be like me or have the same feelings as I do. Thank you for sharing those other titles, I will have to check them out.

View Quoted Comment Listen to the you tube. We heard you put. Yet I have given you solid prof The this authors implied that a women can stop verbal abuse. So you should watch the videos and hear us out. https://youtu.be/Dzx0bZun18U

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And the "after" shows a wife who could end up dead, because she's right and the husband is wrong about how long the brakes will last.

But again, is the man expected to give up control in order to get intimacy? If not, why is it different for women?

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It is not sexist. It is stating facts, men are not women and women are not men. We literally are wired differently, think differently, have different opinions and views, put importance on different things, and have different strengths and weaknesses. Choosing to embrace your feminism does not make you any less of a person, and surely doesn't make you any less equal. It's acknowledging that you are different...still equal...just different. The book is just trying to shine light on ways to get what you want without being a controlling nag. Which is something I DO, and I know there are other women out there that do it too, so I wanted to share. If the book doesn't sound interesting, then don't read it. But I know that I need to gain some perspective in order to be happier (not in any way saying I don't have a happy marriage, but I can see how my toxic behavior can lead that way). Acknowledging that men and women are different is an important way to have an equal marriage. And that doesn't mean men only do manly things or women only do womanly things. That means to recognize each other's strengths and weaknesses. For instance, my husband enjoys doing yard work, and I hate it. So he does the yard work. I enjoy organization, so I usually do the organizing. I hate folding clothes, so he folds clothes. He hates doing dishes...so do I...so we use a dishwasher, lol. These are just a few examples. Now, what I was seeking help with is trying to not let the little things bother me. For instance, he folds the clothes...but not the way I think they should be folded. So I nag, or subconsciously try to control the way he does it. By doing this I am expressing that I do not trust him to be able to fold clothes. That wasn't my intention, but that is how he perceives it. So eventually he will stop folding clothes, because he knows he "can't do it right." And all of this results in a lack of intimacy, etc. There is so much more I can say, but like I said....you'd have to read it for yourself.

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Because I am the one that wants a more romantic and intimate relationship. And I cannot change what he does, I can only change what I do. Trust me, becoming less independent doesn't make you weak...in fact its a lot harder to be vulnerable than it is to be independent.

View Quoted Comment No way. If you offered me a million books I would not read it. Not after the you tube I saw from her. No and no. I gave her a chance looked up what she had to say. I think she is horrible.

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Wow, he doesn't want a more romantic and intimate relationship?!?!?