The dreaded past the rsvp date issue, suggestions?

Since your deadline has passed, I would start reaching out to everyone who you haven't heard from now to remind them that you still haven't heard back from them, especially since you aren't doing online RSVP. With the reminder and extra week, that should give them time to drop it in the mail and for you to receive their response. If you don't hear from them within the week, send one more reminder at the end of the week that you need an answer by the end of that day, or you will have to count them as a no.

I gave extra time and it paid off big time, as the few days after the deadline, I got tons of follow up from people— lots in the mail, and then a few texts/calls/emails …by the time I settled down to do follow ups, I only have ONE more person I needed to hear back from. I think I gave myself about a week before planning follow ups

It’s rude not to reply by an RSVP date, even if it’s to say you have a potential conflict, leaving it to your discretion to extend the deadline. Actually, a response is supposed to be sent asap with or without a deadline.


That said, if your wedding is 6/24 and you’ve already given people significant wiggle room, I think part of the problem is your somewhat early RSVP date. Many conflicts are not knowable until a month out, which is a recommended reply by date for this reason.
Practically speaking most venues don’t need final numbers until a week or so ahead and can add some, even last minute. Last minute expenses such as gift bags and programs should really have been built into the budget already.
But to answer your question, I’d start making those calls this week. That should still give you plenty of time.

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Lisa!! I hope I don't end up having to the "need to know by the end of the day". I am glad you mentioned that. I wrote that down in my wedding notes book to use/say if the need to do so arises. Thank you for responding and giving your advice!

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Mcskipper! Reading this I found myself nodding in "yes!!!" There is hope before I have to momma people, LOL. We both assumed there would be lack of responses or the trickle- ins after. Reading informative forums and articles though, we got confused. Our plans were initially to ride it out for that wiggle time, but many articles say: Start calling the day after the RSVP passed. I looked at him after reading FIVE of the same and said, "Um. You going to start or should I?" Lol. I decided to come here to you gals first. I HOPE the same happens for us. Only one would be DIVINE. Thank you for sharing your experience with it! Much appreciated!!

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CM!

Sadly, yes. It is rude. It is a shame too to have read these types of things from so many other bridal couples on here, and then prepping ourselves for it too. I had so much faith and hope that "Nah. We will be alright." .. Well, I was wrong. I am hoping (again, smh) they start coming in this week, as McSkipper stated happened to her.

I am going by a printed-out timeline provided by our venue that has shown itself to be true thus far in regard to what they require/ have used in the past with weddings. I will, per the information you provided in your comment, contact them and ask why exactly the headcount is needed so early and if it is truly necessary before our final walk through.

Our favors are all handmade and personal and all of the items required to make them already purchased (and started!). Welcome Bags, everything is purchased. Programs are ready to print, however huge difference in price with quantity needed, when that quantity is known. (We will take any money savings at this point, for SURE- but yes everything is all within our budget and has been allotted for from the start) Programs though, not a necessity on our list of "have to have's" but doing so because we do have many elderlies attending our ceremony and would like to provide them with the "read all" due to hearing issues that many have and may arise. If we don't have to print 55, and could save money only printing 25, we shall take that price adjustment and apply the extra elsewhere! (I will mention here, the ELDERLY are ON POINT with their etiquette. ALL OF THEM. They truly bring comfort, ease of mind, joy and peace) I am just super thankful already we are not having a big wedding, lol.

Also, if we don't have to TAKE WITH US as many of the things purchased, due to less people attending- well that'd be nice. Super nice. :-)

We just don't want to jump the gun on calling people, even though YES. EVERYONE has had AMPLE notice for the wedding date to make a decision already. Sadly, the "I would never and do not do that" doesn't mean other's walk the same walk or talk the same talk.

Majority of the lack of RSVPS received too have been from people who "Yes, I'm coming, can't wait" repeaters from the start of it all. Then, went... ghost almost. Which is FINE, just give us a dang answer. I, nor the fiancé, care if something comes up and one or some cannot attend. We understand and get it! Been in those situations before as well. It's the LACK OF ANYTHING that gets under my skin. Ya know? So wishy washy. (Side note: One girl hasn't responded to ANYTHING at ALL in regard to wedding related stuff. She's a friend of mine. <-? I'll question that, lol. Never RSVP'd to FMIL for Shower either. And she was right there at the telephone as her mom was on the phone call the FMIL had to place. She apparently just walked away from the phone call refusing to get on the telephone. ???? I gave her the benefit of the doubt (as did my FMIL) and I sent her out an invite regardless. However, I don't expect to hear ANYTHNG back from her. I don't know what the heck has happened with her. She's not ill. There were no arguments between us, never has been once actually, she likes the fiancé; she's not suffering from anxiety. She was never the type who didn't like weddings; It's not work overload, life responsibilities. She has no responsibilities for the wedding (no one does, besides rsvp'ing!! LOL, We don't have a wedding party, are paying for every single thing) Heck, we both never even speak of the wedding planning unless asked about it! She just went "ghost." Sorry tangent that obviously had to come out. Just what in the heck?

Vent over. LOL, I am going to contact the venue in regard to their deadlines being given. I am following their lead, naturally and based on what you have said, would like to know now why they have those earlier dates when most venues do not. Quite possibly they will soften their need for that requirement bringing more peace of mind to us in regard to the deadline being passed. (More wiggle room? ) Thank you for your direction and your advice again!

Despite their popularity on social media, there are many posts here on WW that say guests never looked at the website. Unfortunately that is reality in many social circles. Not everyone finds technology to be helpful regardless of age or it being the 21st century. Some people still prefer old fashioned reply cards that get mailed in, whether due to tradition or it makes it easier for them. Don’t hold that against anyone even if you feel it is less convenient.


Most of the replies will come in the mail on the reply due date. You tally that and add the number to the previous list of confirmed yes or no replies. Then immediately after, the same evening, you start in calling the ones who didn’t reply by the deadline. Do not text, do not email and do not leave a voicemail. Ask them if they are attending, and if they won’t then they will be missed. Do not hang up until you get a definite yes or no. If they can’t or won’t reply on time, then they will not get back to you with a follow up call or email. If you can’t get ahold of them, mark them as a no. Unless you have a guest list with 200+ to track down, it should not take longer than 3 days max. Fiancé will contact their guests and do the same script and procedure.
A big thing that couples don’t realize is that it is impolite to warn or mention to anyone before the reply due date that the deadline is approaching. Please treat adults with respect and grace that they don’t need their hand held because this is not a new thing for everyone and you don’t know if they are busy with other things going on and it gets forgotten or maybe they have anxiety filling out forms and they procrastinate.

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Hi Michelle, thank you for your advice and input!

Your response is quite similar to my post in many ways. I am the old fashioned you speak of. Much rather do things all of the time the old-fashioned way. And, based on many of our invited guests being in the later years as well as who I am- the reason we opted for NO online RSVP. Things get lost in the social media world, including texts. We much rather had spent the money on old fashioned Invites, providing the stamps and awaiting their arrival with responses back to our own SNAILMAILBOX. In my post I stated that we both are aware of people forgetting and having things in life that arise. When I say we give many chances and are extremely lax and laid back as well, the truth runneth over in those statements. Again, to a fault, many times. The elder of the generations invited have been excellent in keeping in touch with us and sending back the RSVP's in a timely manner. Personally, I do feel all due respect goes to them. We completely understand the busy ness that life can bring, again to a fault many times. The reason I asked my question here is due to confusion brought on by reading many forums and advice given on the matter. (Even in old etiquette books owned and those good old Bridal magazines) Since we have just passed our RSVP date, we do not want to appear too pushy to people and we wanted to know when in most people's expertise shall I say and also experience having been in the same situation when do we start the calling. Obviously, this is because we do understand people forget or get busy. We also have a time line given to us that we have been going by. I have learned by my post that quite possibly there could be more time given to all, I just have to contact venue to make sure of that! Most certainly we have taken into consideration the other things you mentioned as well. In fact, anxiety in others is a huge issue. The inability to decline to something invited to or asked to these days with the false insight into thinking the inviters will be offended based on their decline (inability or want to attend) is astounding. I am wondering where this stems from anymore. One of my guesses is social media platforms, but that is just an assumption. And here nor there when it comes to this post. (Though intriguing!)

The wedding website statistics you wrote of, I was unaware of! Quite interesting to learn that most people don't check them out! I will research that now! Beings that we are having a destination wedding, it was suggested to us to create one, with extensive information being given to all those attending. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE neither me or my fiancé are ACTIVE on ANY Social Media Outlets!

<- (There's that old fashioned again) .... IF we were, it'd be easier to answer the MANY questions that arise during wedding planning. Even and majority of the time the not important ones, such as: "What color are your tablecloths, your floral arrangements. How are you wearing your hair? " Anyway, it is much less of headache in life generally, not being active on social media. However, due to this, it was suggested to create the website for those who ARE active and "up to date" or ... "Internet Savvy" (How many "invites" I have missed over the years, to events I would have gladly attended because the "invite" was sent as a "Facebook Invite". Not all are on Spacebook, often or if at all! Shame. So, yes. I am aware that still existing are people who prefer the old school. I did hear that many did check our website out, having comments about things or laughs, and surprisingly enough- there are many older cats invited that checked it out as well!! We were actually shocked that some had! We provided much information to those who wanted to check it out in this manner. And... as for the MANY other people we were worried would NOT, or didn't know how to- we email, write actual snail mail updates (Old School again, I know) and have made it a point to gather together over quick lunches to speak to IN person. No one has gone without the same information provided. We have covered more ground than many couples I know, or fiance knows for the sake of others, first. I do agree with you Michelle on accepting OLD SCHOOL is still the only way for many! We have taken all of that and much more into much consideration. And I also think it is necessary to cover all avenues, or at least more than one, as we have. (with the website) MINUS the RSVP online. I caved to the Save the dates and the website, I was not caving to the online RSVPS. I like running to my mailbox excitedly and seeing them come back that way. Holding them in my hand!

As for the scrolling RSVP date on the website, It wasn't done in a rude or crash manner. it is dripping with our humor and snark. And those invited have the same qualities, or ... they wouldn't be in our lives. Also, it failed to work anyway!

Knowing other's opinions on the issue and the suggestions all have given have helped already. tremendously. I am comfortable now on knowing when to start contacting people without going against my own grain (or my fiancé going against his, which is thankfully the same as mine) and also confident in the fact that sadly, I may have to be extra stern with some people, if the need to arises. Which is something I do not do or should say opt out of doing in daily life.

My fiancé and I both get our cajónes busted (literally for him) on the daily for choosing to live our lives outside of the spotlight, at least on a level MUCH LESS than MOST of our friends our age. We shrug. It works for us; we make sure that it does!

Thank you for giving me the advice on how to handle the phone calls, especially when you mentioned NOT HANGING UP until I get an answer. That is a new road I will travel if it does come to that... let's hope not!!? I do agree as well with CM who commented. NOT RSVP in any way, shape or form is just flat out rude. For now, the benefit of the doubt will given again. We shall see!!

Thanks again for taking the time to help me better understand time that should pass before reaching out to people, as well as how to handle the telephone calls when we have to call!

Appreciated!

Just call or text people starting a few days after the RSVP date. It's rude of them to not respond but you're making a much bigger deal about this than is necessary.

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Lady, I just came here to review my vendors and saw your comment. In hindsight now, I was making it a bigger issue at the time. (The worry!) The only thing that I got my knickers in a little bunch about was attendance and lack of RSVPS, Not bad! Understandable too- with money on the line 'ya know? I checked out your profile and noticed that some short months later you too dealt with attendance issues, but for your bridal shower. Was a bit of a headache....wasn't it? I Thank you for your advice months ago.

For any new engaged couples out there, the advice given to me was swell here. You may be under pressure to give your venue a final headcount.- as I was. It was stressful, for sure...wanting to adhere to the dates given. But, be open with your venue and coordinator about the issue! I speak for my own, but they allotted for extra show-ups regardless and were very reassuring about the issue as time passed. Mine did anyway. But I wasn't at max capacity. I was putting the pressure ON MYSELF, with the expectations of others responding in a timely manner. My coordinator was extremely understanding and empathetic towards the situation as time passed. She too, had the same issues & stress when she was a bride planning. I did heed the good advice given to me here but still ended up having a total of four people never responding at all. Even WITH emails, texts, calls etc. Hope for the best (expect the worst.} When your wedding day comes, you don't give a hoot anyways. :-)