The Daydreaming Husband...

I would tell him your thoughts on the idea and listen to his. However, in a marriage. You have to be able to come to a compromise on big life choices and it seems your not going to even allow it when you haveny properly talked to him about it and hearing his side first.

Honestly I think the last sentence states it all! It IS ridiculous to move states away for college buddies with no job!

This is honestly between the two of you. What you're proposing can work, so he could be in the right. But you don't want to, so you could be in the right.

My sister and her husband are doing just this right now.

We currently have good full time jobs in a small city that has a low cost of living. Moving to MN would force both of us to look for new jobs, not in IT either! It would also force me to move away from family.

Hubby says he wishes he could move there because then he could go hang out with his friends and go to concerts and such...(his friends are getting married and establishing careers too)

I honestly suspect that he just wants to be a college kid again, and expects that his friends will also have time to 'hang out'

Generally, the city pays more than a small suburb, even taking cost of living into consideration. If your DH is seriously considering this as an option, it may not hurt to humor him and look into whether it would benefit you as a family.

Unfortunately there an ugly word as wives we grow to hate COMPROMISE there times in marriage where this word will rear its head because no it's not two people making individual decisions your a family making joint decisions for the betterment of yours and his future and no something that not only you have to consider but he needs to consider that also more importantly times have changed husband's do not make all the decisions especially major ones like moving away out of state I say this compromise on moving only if you and him can get solid jobs established if you guys can set up some interviews afford to fly or drive out there and stay for a week or two with friends while both of you go on interviews and come back home if you guys get good call back for a solid opportunity then go for it give it a shot before you have kids and get to tied down to one place life and marriage is full of opportunity we feel safe when it's just us alone gambling on opportunity like moving but I can understand its scary to up root with a spouse but go in to knowing no matter what happens you have strong co pilot my fiance and I have been together 10yrs moved all over the county away from family since we graduated college not going to lie there where times when it was difficult being away from family and friends and the comfort of where I was and there were times we wanted to throw the tower in when finance or other things got hard but we didn't we were determined to make a lifes good we have a home a beautiful 2 yr old and most of all we are best friends and a strong family because of the struggling, the good and bad times moving away from everything it was definitely a test of the strength of our relationship and I think we passed

This is of course a discussion between the two of you, but perhaps he is simply missing having friends close by. Is he actively looking for friends where you currently live? Is there anything else that makes him dissatisfied with where you are currently living?

Well, we're basically teachers, teaching jobs throughout the US have been notoriously harder to find because there have been so many graduates who want to teach. Teacher's pay is also notoriously low. Teaching jobs in new districts can be hard to get for newer teachers too.

I think it's silly to move around after friends in the late twenties when everyone is marrying and having kids, just for the sake of hanging out...

He does complain of not having friends, he also gripes about how his friends now have to stay home with their baby as opposed to going to Rock concerts where the college kids hang out.

He's mentioned the different states where his friends are moving...and keeps telling me he wants to visit them (basically for the rest of his life) wherever they are if they won't come visit him.........

Honestly, he seems confused by how his friends are now acting...LOL, they have kids, getting married, etc.

Do you and your husband want kids? Or thinking about having them anytime soon? Having a steady income is pretty damn important, and being near family is helpful. My FH constantly talks about leaving California to move to a less expensive state (he wants to live somewhere with no state tax), but these are the things I bring up when he talks about it.

I think he should have thought about that before the wedding, he should really have thought about "settling down" as a word, and that YOU should be the one he would live nearest by. His friends are also moving on with their lives, and he is gonna get soooo dissapointed if he think things can get back to how it was when they were all younger.. He can travel more if he want to to visit them, but you are not ready to move away from your family OR your job.

Can''t he try to find new "friends".

In my relationsship, I'm the one who wants to move closer to family.. It is a really big deal for me, and therefore I've said it from the start, and if he couldn't imagine himself moving, he shouldn't be with me. I'm not moving back because of my friends, they've got friends who are much closer to them now, and what we have is nostalgia. I want to move, because I don't feel like home here, and I don't want to die in this city..

I think you should really sit down, and talk everything about the future, the rest of your lives, and all that..

I think you guys need to have a conversation that goes beyond daydreaming. Of course it would be fun to live near friends, but walk through the logistics.. Where would you work, where could you afford to live, how expensive would moving be, what friends and family would you be leaving behind, would this be a long term move or short? Also maybe look for ways to get involved where you live and make some new friends

Sarah: He doesn't want kids yet, but he's aware I don't want to have kids in my mid-late 30's...so it'll have to be in the couple years. We're trying to become financially stable (pay down stud loans), have alone time, etc first.

Joan: I agree. I feel like it's chasing a dream of nostalgia, literally. It's assuming that nothing changes at all. He's trying to find new friends, but most of these new friends put wives and infants above partying

MelissaErin: We have talked about moved, he's also interested in CA, I went through a couple states and presented him the info about the income we would need to sustain the life we are used to now. Example: Where we live now we can afford a 3 bedroom, but in CA for the same price we might get a studio, etc.

It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. How old are you both? Are you fresh out of college, or have you been out for several years.

I could see wanting to move states away to be closer to family, but college buddies? With zero job prospects/offers on the table? No, absolutely not.

While this decision would require a LOT of talking and planning, it is also a perfect example of a 2-yes, 1-no decision: to make it happens requires 2 yeses and only 1 no pulls it off of the table.

If he had an offer for a job that was going to double his salary, pay relocation, and had incredible benefits, that would be one thing, but to move so he can go out and try to relive his college days (and news flash to him, his buddies' wife's are NOT going to be cool with that either!), would be a hard and fast no from me.

He needs to realize it's time to grow up and stop romanticizing his past into impossible daydreams of the future. I guarantee that even if you make the move, it WON'T be what he's imagining, at all.

^Mna: That is exactly my thoughts on it. I just look at it from a logical standpoint, there has to be a job, otherwise it's moot.

We graduated 3 years ago from college, so we're still figuring some things out, we're in our late twenties.

@Katie: That definitely sounds like he's mourning his "lost freedom" and college days then. If nothing else, could you do a trip up there after his buddy's wedding and stay for 7-10 days, so he can see that his buddies aren't going to be available 24/7 like they were in college? If he realizes that dream is not matching with reality, he may drop it.

I think there could be some compromise here--if he's missing his friends, can you figure out a weekend that he could go visit them and get some of the friend time that he's been missing? That's way less extreme than moving, but might help his loneliness AND make him realize that it's not going to be how it used to be. You could also talk to his friends/their wives about the city--if he has a bunch of friends starting families there, maybe it's just a really good place to start a family. Look into it and see if it would make sense if you had jobs. If it does, then you both could consider looking for jobs there, with the understanding that even if it's a great city, you're not moving without jobs.

Holy run on sentence Tenikia

This November his best buddy is getting married in MN, and we are headed up there for that, so I've been preparing myself for more...of his hinting tactics. All of his friends will be there, and I'm trying to see if I can't get two days off (Thurs & Friday) so he can spend more time with them.

Ironically enough, hubby is hurt because his best friend chose another dude to be Best Man.....but hubby even admitted: "well...I guess we're not that close anymore because everyone is moving"

OriginalKD: LMAO!

DH and I are planning on moving to the Outer Banks within the next two years. Its not for any specific job, we dont have family there - we just love it there.

But you better believe we wouldnt even DREAM of it without the job situation securely nailed down (DH works remote and makes enough that we'd be okay while I got settled in a new salon) and living arrangements in place. We've also been visiting for years and made sure to make extended visits during the off-seasons - when its cold and windy at the beach, a lot of businesses are closed, and the population is a fraction of what it is during the summer, to make sure its a place we still loved even when the summer vibe is long gone (it is).

Visiting is very different from living somewhere. Does he still like MN when his friends are all busy with daily life and its not a constant vacation/college throwback party?

He's got a lot of details he needs to explore before he even begins to seriously consider this.