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Kristen
Savvy September 2020

The 5 stages of grief...

Kristen, on May 12, 2020 at 12:19 PM Posted in Community Conversations 12 89
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I'm sure many of you have been on an emotional roller coaster like I have. Back in mid March when we went into quarantine I completely broke down. Then I went into denial and suppressed anything related to our September wedding. I stopped planning, I stopped talking about our wedding, I stopped thinking about our wedding. Then I went through a stage of acceptance and being at peace with "having the wedding that is meant for us". I'm a pretty positive person and I've maintained the right perspective throughout all of this. The most important thing to my fiance and I is that we have each other and our loved ones are healthy. I also realize that there are so many other people around the world struggling in bigger ways than not being able to have the wedding they planned.

BUT I've also realized that my feelings are still valid and I have to allow myself to feel and to grieve. I'm not an angry person but I'm currently in the anger stage. I'm angry that everyone around me is constantly trying to put things into perspective, when all I need is someone to say "I'm so sorry" or "it's unfair". It makes me frustrated when someone close to me is negative about what the next few months will hold, not even realizing that I'm supposed to be planning the most exciting day of my life. Is a wedding everything? No. Of course the most important thing is that I'm marrying the love of my life. But is it fair that we will never get to experience an enormous milestone in our lives normally? Most definitely not.

I know these feelings will pass and more importantly, this situation won't last forever. Just looking to connect with anyone who has gone through similar stages..

89 Comments

Latest activity by Mel H, on June 3, 2020 at 8:33 PM
  • Melle
    Rockstar June 2019
    Melle ·
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    I am not a covid 19 bride, so i do not know exactly the emotions and my heart goes out to all the covid 19 brides afflicted by it. but i am MOH and i've been seeing those emotions with my bff who is the bride. she's a sept bride too and she has no intentions of postponing because she said regardless of how many people can be there, as long as the people closest to her can be there then that's all she cares about. but obviously you can see the disappointment or fear or anxiety or hopefulness all mixed together because there are things she has to put off doing until later when things are reopened or just the feeling of not truly knowing what will happen. the bridal party are still planning a shower and bachelorette for her hoping that things will all be ok by then.

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  • Kristen
    Savvy September 2020
    Kristen ·
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    You sound like a really supportive MOH, your best friend is lucky to have you! I hope you guys are able to have her bridal shower and bachelorette as planned!

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  • Melle
    Rockstar June 2019
    Melle ·
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    Thank you. we decided that if she isn't gonna postpone her wedding then we need to move forward with planning her pre wedding events then.

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  • E
    Devoted August 2020
    Elle ·
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    It sounds really bad, but I also really hate it when I see/hear things like "It's not the size of the party that matters, it's the marriage." I know that, and prior to Covid, I was probably the most relaxed bride ever. I didn't really have any opinions about the wedding or reception, the bridesmaids can wear whatever they want, I didn't care about flowers, and I wasn't stressed out at all. I know that sounds unbelievable, like I had a lot of people be like "Wait till you get closer to your wedding!" but it's the truth - all I cared about is being married in front of my friends and family and have a huge party where people danced and ate and drank. I said that the thing that would probably ruin my wedding and make me upset was if someone fainted at my wedding or the place caught on fire. Well, "pandemic" is pretty close!

    I would say I'm a pretty unselfish person. I give a lot, and prior to Covid, I worked hard at 2 jobs with little sleep. I have not had any huge party before, and I thought this was my chance to have one. Now this virus ruined everything. And then I feel like crap and feel like I am selfish for wanting a party, even though that's not the most important thing.

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  • Kristen
    Savvy September 2020
    Kristen ·
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    You are not alone!! When my fiance and I started planning our wedding, we were deciding between either eloping with our immediate family or planning a big wedding. We both come from big families so it was all or nothing for us. We imagined what would make us the happiest on our wedding day and our answer was "having all of our family and friends there to celebrate with us". We both value the people in our lives immensely and we also really enjoy hosting. We love having friends over and spending time with the people we love. So similar to you, it's not about the wedding. It's about having the people we love there with us.

    Just know your feelings are valid. Feeling this way doesn't make you a selfish person. You're allowed to grieve this part of your life that normalcy was ripped out of.

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  • E
    Devoted August 2020
    Elle ·
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    Thanks, girl. You too. I also could not even plan my wedding in March-April or even think about it. I thought, "What's the point?" But I finally got my butt moving this month, when we had our details appointment with our venue, and I started to get excited again. I ordered invitations this week to hopefully be sent out by the end of the month. But I'm feeling really scared, because I know I will get a lot of backlash from people who probably think I shouldn't even be planning this wedding right now! I have the informational insert for the invitations, stating that we have a soft hold on January 9, and to check our website..... but I'm worried that some of my friends will be offended that I'm even sending out invitations! (and yeah... I know that if they're mad, maybe they aren't "friends"...... but I'm still worried!)

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  • L
    Devoted July 2020
    Lindsay ·
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    I’m right here with you with the up and down emotions I’ve been angry at peace and now I’m back to feeling sad my bridal shower would have been in three weeks no one even knows where I was registered and I just feel heartbroken by the loss of everything I canceled my wedding completely due to financial issues and not knowing when this will be better. I do have back up options and have gotten support for the new options but I feel just so sad about the loss of everything and people don’t know what it feels like to not have the normal fun experience for the best time in your life it’s just now all depressing and I can’t help but feel emotional. I don’t even think my friends will do anything for my bridal shower at this point. It’s just a roller coaster so I know exactly how you feel. I just wanted to enjoy this time and everything got taken a aWay in the blink of an eye we also lost my mother in law so that started the feelings of depression. Yes I’m marrying the love of my life but it doesn’t feel any better when people say that to you and when you worked so hard in something and it just gets taken away. It just sucks! I’m sad that this is my story to tell my future kids although I promised to not make it sad that we would be getting married anyways and no matter what we love each other and we do have alternatives but right now it just feels very depressing. So I know exactly how you feel.
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  • Emly
    Expert June 2020
    Emly ·
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    I feel you girl!! I am currently in the anger stage too.. It sounds so incredibly selfish to say this but it has always been a running joke with my fiance and kindof a "hint" to him to put a ring on it but i would always say "Man we need to get married so we can get some new towels". I was never the type of girl who wanted a big wedding but I eventually talked myself into it because thats what FH wanted. I got excited! I was exited to vow my love to my man in front of everyone. I was so exited to celebrate with everyone even though I hate crowds. I was exited to have my bridal shower and finally get my new towels. I was exited for my Bach party and one last hoora with my girls. And now I'm just sad.. People are so rude about it to. All of my coworkers and GRANDMA giving me nasty comments about "well it could be worse" or "well at least you were able to walk in your graduation". I could give two craps if i was able to walk in graduation, this is my wedding, what is supposed to be the most magical day ever! They all got to have these experiences that I will never get! Yeah sure, i could post pone; but why should i have to, why should that even be an ok reason not to be heartbroken?? Ugh

    I'm still getting married on our original day and I'm sure it will still be special andI can't wait to marry my best friend! but my heart hurts..

    Just remember Love is not Cancelled!! sending hugs Smiley heart

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  • Nicole
    Dedicated September 2021
    Nicole ·
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    I resonate with ALL of this. September bride here too. I’m finding that the stages of grief aren’t linear making it that much more of a rollercoaster. Some days I’m just sad, other days feeling cheated, most days feeling all of the above. I love the good days in acceptance. I’m just doing my best to be gentle with myself by getting self-care in.
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  • Leah
    Savvy August 2020
    Leah ·
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    I had the same thing happen to me. On Easter Sunday the weight of it all hit me and I cried all day long...and I’m not a crier... so totally freak my FH out... lol... after I finished and let that emotion and stress out I was able to make some decisions. You will totally get there and your day, however you decide to celebrate will be amazing!
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  • K
    Savvy July 2020
    Kc. ·
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    I was looking for a chat like this today because FH and I officially decided to cancel the big reception yesterday. We tried for about three weeks to buckle down, stay optimistic and plan something different with everything shut down, but I was just brought to tears every time we talked about it. It’s just not the same. I spent a year and a half planning a wedding, not for me and my FH, but to bring everyone we love together to celebrate our joining of life together. To me, that’s what a wedding is all about... having witnesses to your love. It’s truly heartbreaking to know it’s just not going to happen in that way for us.
    We told all the guests today and everyone is saying the same thing “your marriage together is what counts”. I feel validated that you all are upset by this response too, because it just makes me feel angry. I am grateful that a couple of my bridesmaids responded with “You must be so sad” It does make me feel less alone in all of this. I’m sending love to all of you too. This truly sucks and we can be sulky and pouty together. ❤️
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  • Monica
    Savvy October 2020
    Monica ·
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    I can relate our wedding is 10/10/20. Our venue asked if we wanted 50-75 people instead. If we had that our groomsmen/ bridesmaids could come but without there significant other. That upset me.. so we’re doing a small ceremony and our I Do’s on that date. But big Celebration in May 2021 it was just very hard to decide.. I’m anxious still and frustrated but getting to the acceptance part slowly.
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  • Kristen
    Savvy September 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I understand your fear of backlash, just try to remember that the only person you owe anything to is yourself. You owe it to yourself to make decisions based on what will make you happy.

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  • Kristen
    Savvy September 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I am so incredibly sorry about the loss of your mother in law. I'm sorry to hear all the heartache you're experiencing. It's unfair. Sending you my love, we're all here for you! Smiley heart

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  • Kristen
    Savvy September 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I completely agree, I have a hard time when people try to compare my wedding to other life experiences. It's just different. My fiance and I aren't willing to postpone as well. We're both in our 30's, we've been together for almost 7 years and we've been planning to hopefully start a family shortly after our wedding. We're not willing to put our lives on hold, so then I find myself grieving the fact that we will never get to experience our wedding/marriage fully. Feeling the same, sending you love!

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  • L
    Devoted July 2020
    Lindsay ·
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    Thank you so much❤️
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  • Kristen
    Savvy September 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Self care is the best therapy!! I've been taking extra care of my skin and body and that has helped give me things to look forward to in my day.

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  • Kristen
    Savvy September 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I was hesitant to post my thoughts because I didn't want to breed negativity. But I'm happy I did, I knew there had to be others feeling the same way and I felt like it was important to have an outlet aside from friends and family! I'm so happy this thread gave you some feeling of validity. There are a lot of us who don't have the option to postpone and I think that's what a lot of people around us aren't recognizing. Of course there's a silver lining to everything. But for those of us who can't put our lives on hold, it truly is devastating. Sending you my love, we're in this together!

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  • A
    Savvy September 2020
    Ashley ·
    • Flag
    I can totally relate. We are scheduled to get married on Sept 26, 2020. I go back and forth with my emotions. Some days I'm so down and frustrated because I feel like I cant get get excited about it or even finish up wedding planning because we really just dont know what to expect. My FH and I already planned a smaller wedding (50) to begin with and we really just wanted to have a simple and beautiful wedding. Theres so much outpouring from people saying to postpone it and such. We wanted to keep the date because it is our actual anniversary. Anyways, I've just been taking it day by day and moving forward with the wedding until I am notified otherwise by government. Best wishes to all brides going this. I'm so glad that there has been a forum like this to discuss thoughts/feelings regarding this. It feels like when you communicate with people you are close with, they just dont get it. It's not because they dont want to get it but they arent going through it, so it's always great to not feel alone with stuff like this. Best of luck to all the summer/fall 2020 brides!! ❤
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  • Karina
    Dedicated June 2020
    Karina ·
    • Flag
    You are not alone in this. Just as we started getting more excited about how quickly how wedding day was approaching, it all came crashing down. I couldn’t stop crying. Every time I scrolled through Instagram and saw a bride/wedding, or a reminder on my to-do list, or packages of things I bought for my bridesmaids, etc. it all triggered me. I felt envious of every other bride that got to enjoy their perfect day. I know it wasn’t fair to think that way, but I couldn’t help it. Although we’ve already decided to postpone and I’m slowly coming to terms with it, I’m still sad, and angry and frustrated. I’m hoping after we get legally married next month those feelings will change. It’s okay to feel all the feels right now, cry if you feel like it, scream, feel pity for yourself because it’s unfair to us and we get to feel whatever we want until we don’t anymore.
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