Tentative Rsvp's in Save the Dates?

View Quoted Comment It sounds like you just want to argue with everyone who doesn't agree so I don't know why you even asked the question but hopefully this works out.

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Do you actually WANT advice or do you just want people to tell you what you are planning to do is "A-OK"?

Everyone has stated that it is rude, against etiquette, poor form, and EVERYTHING WRONG with what you and your sister want to do, and you are making excuses and ignoring everyone trying to guide you in the proper direction. Do you actually want advice?

Also, using friends as vendors to save money is extremely bad and leaves the possibilities open for more things to go wrong.

No one can predict the future. Even if they think attending is a remote possibility, people will often want to keep their options open. And even if they know they won't come no matter what they may feel uncomfortable and awkward telling your sister there is no way that they can attend given a year's notice. So on top of it being inappropriate, there's a good chance it won't give her any more useful information than she already has.

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That's not what the etiquette of this is though. You've got it wrong. Everyone that was sent the STD must be sent a formal invitation. Otherwise it will look like she no longer wants the person there! Like, it will look like a mass disinviting.

View Quoted Comment No one in the thread is shaming you or the bride at al nor are they being rudel. They are trying to help her not look like a bad host.


Once the guest list is decided, which determines the size of the venue and the budget, you don’t get to change it. Send save the dates and eat your losses if anyone can’t make it. That’s part of what you accept happening when you plan a party. People claim that 100% attendance never happens but it does. Don’t ever ask guests to rsvp before they know what they are doing for absolute certain at the standard 4 weeks before the wedding. That date/timeline has existed for decades because it works. That also means that having a B list is equally a faux pas.
People say that they do things against etiquette everyday with no issues but they are not telling the whole story that their plans backfired badly and their guests were polite enough to not complain to their faces.
If you are on a tight budget for food, get a ton of whole pizzas from the Costco food court and a full sheet cake from your local grocery store. Beverages can be purchased at Costco too. All for under $150. This all is doable but arguing with everyone who is trying to help doesn’t get you anywhere.

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Not one person called your sister out for being on a budget, nor should she be. You can be a gracious host at any price point, but unfortunately your plan is not gracious. By definition what you propose is not correct, in other words "wrong" according to etiquette, ie social standards. Is it against the law? Of course not. People do what they want all the time, but the risk is that you'll annoy or even offend people, not that they will ever tell you. If I got this kind of invitation, which in my years of being invited to weddings has never happened even once, I'd probably think she's uninformed and a bit clueless. Personally I don't want that reputation, either.

Your sister has plenty of other choices within her budget, she's just not willing to consider them. If you want or need a better idea of attendance people have, in fact, given you multiple alternatives. Pick a different kind of venue with more flexibility as to numbers, limit the guest list to VIPs whom you know will make every effort to be there or move the wedding closer to family. None of those things have to be formal, cost 30K or anything close.

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No-one picked on it being in a backyard. I think someone did mention not to rely on friends or family to act as staff at the wedding, but that was it.

You're not getting the answers you want because it's not something that is done politely.

Your question really was, "how to we trim the invitation list after STD's go out". The short answer is, you can't.

Here’s a practical and more considerate alternative. Call people either in lieu of STDs or in addition to them, to confirm addresses, to share information and just to catch up. Or email or write a personal letter that contains the STD details and also asks them about their lives, their family etc. Some will then be likely to tell you they won’t miss it, will try to be there, will be unlikely to make it, don’t yet know, or can’t make it, all without being asked to commit to regrets. You’d follow up with invitations at the appropriate time.