Tentative Rsvp's in Save the Dates?

My fear would be that people won't know that far in advance. It's common to have guests super excited when they first hear about the wedding and say they "can't wait to attend"... then end up having a conflict/not being able to make it once the time gets closer. I would be afraid that people will say yes to the tentative RSVP, then have to change their answer down the road. The opposite is true also. Some people may say they won't make it, but then end up changing their minds/being able to after all. If I were in your sister's position, I would err on the side of cautious and just book a venue. Back yard weddings are actually A LOT of work and usually end up being more expensive and much more stressful than venues. With a backyard wedding she will need to source EVERYTHING -tables, chairs, table linens, silverware, glassware, decor, etc. etc. She will need to make sure caterers can keep food at safe temperatures and hire servers to serve the food, and a licensed bartender to serve alcohol (a permit may be needed for that as well). There will need to be people to take away plates, silverware, etc after dinner and someone to empty the trash when it's full. There will need to be a plan for restroom use (will she rent portapotties? Will she be letting people go in and out of the house to use the restroom? Who will be on restroom duty making sure it's clean and stocked throughout the event?) She will need to check with her city to see if permits are required for the event. She will need to figure out parking and noise ordinance regulations. If it's in the evening, she will have to make sure there is adequate outdoor lighting. There will need to be an inclement weather plan (such as renting a tent in case of rain, or heaters in case of cold, etc.). The list goes on and on. It's actually much easier to rent an insured venue that handles all these things. I would suggest she do herself and favor and just rent a venue and not stress herself out about having to stay under a certain number of guests.

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Thank you for the concern. I will say, the backyard in question is in an area without permits needed, already has 6 bathrooms, has outdoor lighting, more than enough seating, no noise regulations (many acres between the next house), plenty of parking, a friend who has a food truck and offered to do the catering for just material cost, etc. We've priced it out and it would be cheaper by far. We don't mind a extra work for the set-up, especially when she is incredibly picky about her décor and was planning to do that herself even if she did rent a venue. We do think that most of the family will be sure that they can't come. She's fine with getting answers for a "yes" and then a later cancelation with some of them. Anyone who says they definitely aren't coming in the tentative invite will not be included in the final RSVP. We just want to figure out the smoothest way to do that. Thanks!

It’s not a destination wedding if it’s in the couple’s current home town, even technically. However, as you say there may be people who are unable or unwilling to travel.


Unfortunately, it’s quite inappropriate to solicit replies this far in advance and there is no polite way. STDs are a heads up only and invitations go out no differently regardless of location 6-8 weeks ahead of time with RSVPs due no sooner than a month out.
Of course some people might unofficially let you know their intentions but until you have an RSVP in hand you can’t count on those either. Things change, and unavoidable conflicts are often unknowable this far in advance.
Your best bet is to plan a wedding and a venue that can accommodate this range of numbers.

View Quoted Comment Save the dates don't require an RSVP and everyone who receives a save the date should be sent an invite. I also saw you mentioned a food truck and that's going to take a long time for everyone to be served. Food trucks aren't known for fast service. She'll end up with guests who get their food way ahead of everyone and other guests who are annoyed at standing around hungry and upset that it's taking so long. I've gone to plenty of food truck events to know that it can sometimes take a good 10-15 minutes to get your food and that's with them only waiting on a few people not 40-45. I think she really needs to rethink this plan and just book a normal venue.

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I know save the dates don't traditionally have RSVP's, but seeing as this could save a couple thousands of dollar it seems worth it. It also wouldn't be an actual RSVP. It's just for the people who KNOW they wont be able to travel, which is most of them.

Thank you for the concern about the food truck, but I assure you that it would take them less than 30 minutes to push out meals for less than 40 people with the preset menu. There will also be a snack table for the meantime. As you can tell, the bride and groom are not traditional, nor formal.

Thanks!

I'm for intentional hosting so I advise she finalize a guest list with her partner and plan accordingly. If she really wants to have a lower decline rate, she should move her wedding location to where more guests have access. As PP write, you can never know informally or formally if guests can make a destination wedding so far in advance. Invites with RSVP's generally go out 8-10 wks before (for destination) as a Reminder. Some reasons for guest declines are finances, other priorities, conflicts with other commitments, and emergencies. So I would take advance acceptances with a grain of salt.

Also, food trucks are not great at keeping hangry people, patient and complaint-free. Strangers at an art event will have a higher tolerance than Aunt Jane and little cousin Bert. Good luck.

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Again, we're not really looking to do actual RSVP's this early. We are only looking for the people who know they WONT be able to make it. We would not like to provide an option for acceptance at the moment and just want to cross people OFF the list, not put them on. Just for reference: the invite list is almost 80 people now. The amount of people who we believe will actually come is about 25. Up to 40 could come, but that is very unlikely. It would be incredibly awkward and costly to book a venue that can hold 80 just to have 25 people in there. Thousands of dollars could be saved.

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Yes, I understand. But rather than focusing on those who won't come, why not limit the guestlist to persons you actually want to come and choose the backyard. Or does she want all of them? Many destination wedding couples send out lots of invites hoping guests will weed themselves out rather than making hard decisions on not inviting guests they are not close to.

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Yes, the bride and groom do want everyone come or know that they're going to get grief for not inviting some people. I agree that it would be better just to narrow down the list, but that is not an option to them. They have strong family ties and grudges! So, they'd prefer not to rock the boat. Just trying to figure out a better way to do that.

It’s not a destination wedding unless it’s not local for the couple. Guests travel cross town and cross country regularly for weddings with zero issues and are more inclined to travel domestically than abroad to a destination wedding that is not local to the couple.


As for the guest list, that is set in stone final before you send out save the dates. If you are questioning anyone then don’t send a save the date. By that, you are questioning whether you want them in attendance and their being there will enhance your enjoyment, not whether they will make the plans to attend or not which you have no way to assume. Contrary to popular belief, 100% attendance is very common that couples don’t prepare for, but many articles will tell you it isn’t.
Is the guest list 70 or 45? It can’t be both.
Save the dates don’t have rsvps because no one can commit 6-12 months ahead, despite saying they can.

Again, it's considered rude to question or pressure people before RSVPs are due much less before invitations are even sent. Giving you a heads up that they definitely can't come is at the discretion of her prospective guests. But it's inappropriate to solicit that information.

Unfortunately, your sister and FI are like any other couple and will just have to wait. It goes with the territory. I agree with a PP that people are usually more inclined to make an effort to travel when the couple lives locally than they are for a true destination wedding local to no one. When the guest list is limited to closest friends and family it's also more likely that people will come than when the list is large. She knows her guests best, but bottom line, there's no appropriate way to word this. Someone who doesn't think it's possible to attend may be able to make it happen after all and those who say yes too far ahead can't realistically know if there will be a conflict.

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Yikes, grudges are never good. Family and friends just have to catch on that weddings are very expensive these days and couples often pay themselves in part or in entirety. No one should feel entitled to an invite. Some WW posters have side-stepped otherwise hurt feelings by eloping (just 2) or making their weddings for immediate family only. My spouse and I drew lines at 2nd cousins and children.

Honestly it's rude to expect answers for an event a year from now. How does someone know they won't be able to travel so far in advance? What if people say, no, definitely not, but then change their mind anyway? I can't think of a polite way to do that.

It's unreasonable to expect people to give you even a tentative inclination if they will be able to attend or not so far out. I've been in numerous situations where I received a save the date and thought "there's categorically no way I will be able to attend this wedding" and then it turns out my circumstances changed and I did end up attending after all. Most recently, this occurred with a destination wedding Florida. The problem with asking for tentative RSVPs is that they are just that--tentative. Everyone who receives a save the date, even if they tell you they can't come, needs to still receive a follow up invitation. You can't rely on a final RSVP until the actual invitations are sent out

Anyone who receives a save the date must also be sent an invite. The save the date is a notification that they will be receiving a formal invitation for the wedding on that date when it's time for invitations to be sent. How does she plan to handle things if people say no now, she plans the backyard wedding based on those numbers, but enough people then change their answer to yes closer to the date to put them over the 50 people limit for the backyard wedding? Is she also reserving a venue for that date just in case? Will she be able to comfortably accommodate them at the backyard venue?

As others have said, it's way too early to ask for even tentative RSVP's now. Things can change so much between now and the wedding to rely on such early answers. It's best to plan based on the total guest list, regardless of how many you assume will attend.

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There's no reason why everyone you send a "pre-RSVP" also needs to get an invitation. If they say there's no way they'll make it, they won't be sent an invitation. That way, if anyone get's ticked off that they weren't sent an invitation, she can point to the pre-RSVP. It's an easy way for her to narrow down the list while not having to personally cut anyone off it.

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I agree! Unfortunately, that's not something the bride is comfortable doing, so we're going to give the "pre-RSVP's" a shot. Hopefully it's not a compete disaster!

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That's not how any of this works. It's incredibly rude and against etiquette to send someone a save the date and not an invitation, and there is no such thing as a pre-RSVP. Many here have explained why asking for RSVP's so early is a bad idea. If she so badly wants to have the cheaper wedding then she needs to do the adult thing and cut the list to 50 now before anything is sent out to anyone instead of trying to find some "easy way out" that is rude to people who were sent save the dates but not invitations.

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Well, it technically works however you want it to. I know quite a few people who have done pre-RSVP's, so it is a thing that exists. It worked well and no one thought it was rude when they did it, so we're going to give it a try.

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People do all kind of things but that doesn’t make them considerate or etiquette appropriate. There’s no such “proper” thing as a pre-RSVP. The argument that “no one” thinks those people were rude is all too common, but you might be surprised. No one is going to correct or criticize you to your face or in front of those close to you because that would be rude too.

I don't think any of this is a good idea, personally. If she wants these people there and really wants a better idea of numbers, would she consider a wedding that's local to family? You really can't have it both ways.