Telling Your Bestfriend she is not the Moh??

My MOH and I have been best friends since 5th grade. (We’re now in our late 30s.) She is absolutely not a planner. I love the girl to death, but I’m not sure she’s even capable of planning a picnic! I never would have considered not asking her to be my MOH.

My former best friend was supposed to be my MOH when we were still best friends. She thought she was responsible for the bridal shower and bachelorette party because she assumed things without talking to people. I think when you make someone MOH that they often assume they are in charge of these things, but not always. She was horrible at communicating with me, the other bridesmaids and my mother who were all willing to help her with planning/paying for things. Before she even dropped out of the wedding, my bridesmaids, mother, and fmil all were planning my bridal shower. After she dropped out, my bridesmaids, mother, and fmil all worked together to plan my shower. Each person did different things. Two of my bridesmaids helped decorate, another bought games, one paid for half the venue and planned most of the shower, my mother bought prizes, my tiara and sash, and paid of the other half of the venue, and my fmil made desserts for the shower. It was a team effort so that no one person was responsible for everything. As for my bachelorette party, I pretty much have decided what we are going to do. My bridesmaids have also said they will not let me buy a single thing, but I have no problem paying for myself. Needless to say, it isn't up to one person to plan and pay for everything. If you really want her to be your MOH, then ask her. Then it is up to her if she plans these things or asks others for help.

View Quoted Comment I think what I'll do-because I like the collaborative idea-is have all of my bridesmaids help plan stuff, and then tell them who my MOH is the night before the wedding (because I want it to be my other friend who's like my little sister) and have it be more surprising!

View Quoted Comment They have to be willing to work together. My girls and both of our moms worked together because they wanted to. It sounds like you aren't giving your girls much choice. Whereas, I never asked them to do anything they just took it upon themselves. If your girls want to host events for you that is there choice, but it is certainly not something that is required. I think like others have said you shouldn't pick people based on what they can do for you. A bridesmaid/moh is only required to buy the dress and show up at the wedding. Otherwise everything else is something they do because they want to not because you're making them.

View Quoted Comment I also agree with this!! I made my sister my MOH... she’s 16th so of course she’s not going to plan anything.. you choose your MOH based on the relationship...

I've only been a bridesmaid in 1 wedding but my FSIL is basically a pro at the title, and at least in my neck of the woods, the bridal shower and bachelorette party (if thrown) are usually a team effort with the whole bridal party. I only have 4 girls in my wedding party. I am very close with each of them, but my MOH is actually the person I've known for the least amount of time (friend I met at 18 vs someone I've known since middle school/high school). The primary reason I chose her as MOH over my two childhood friends and FSIL is that I am just closer with her in that we see each other more often (2 of the other 3 live out of state and the other is a mom and works full time so getting together regularly is difficult). A small part is also because, logistically, my MOH is a more organized person. When I asked her to be MOH, she literally said "I was born for this." Yes, the only requirement is that the MOH and BM buy a dress and show up, but I knew that this person would be excited (more so than the other 3) to help me with input if I asked, and I felt that it made sense to choose her as MOH. I think a lot of it has to do with your friend group, regional social norms, and a whole host of other factors. For me, I knew no one would be upset if they didn't get the MOH title, but instead the bridesmaid title. For you, it seems like your best friend may be hurt.

View Quoted Comment I think this idea will back fire on you...You could end up with hurt feelings from the BMs on the night before your wedding.

I do understand where you’re coming from when it comes to picking someone who you know will be the most reliable person during the wedding planning process (who can you call to vent or ask for advice? Who do you think will want to be involved vs just show up?). I disagree with how you’ve made this more about planning parties and paying for things though. Be honest with your bff and just tell her if she is or isn’t the MOH.

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Yeah it must be regional, because in the Midwest, it is totally expected that the MOH plans the shower and bach party and the bridesmaids assist. I've done it every time I've been MOH and would be pretty surprised if my MOH didn't do that for me!

Can you have a maid and matron of honor maybe? Or just two maid of honors? I'd just talk to her prior and kind of explain and get a feel for if she is prepared to do all the duties.

View Quoted Comment I can't have a matron of honor because none of my girls or other friends are married, but I think two MOH would be Overkill considering there's only four girls in my party to begin with. I'll talk to her though, and see how things go, thank you!

It seems like you are expecting way too much of your MOH and bridal party and you will end up disappointed. Choose your bridal party based on the relationship, not how helpful you think they might be. And you certainly should not expect them to pay for all of your optional parties. This post reads as very entitled.