Telling someone he is not in the wedding party

Depends: do you want to be polite or just be direct and blunt?

Polite way: "B you know how much we love you, but because of money issues we can only have x number of people in the wedding party. But we'll be thrilled to spend time with you at the reception"

Direct: "Dude, you're not in the wedding party. It's just the guys from college (or insert stupid excuse)."

Your wedding is in 12 days and you have someone who thinks he is a groomsman, but isn't? You guys really should have nipped this in the bud the first time he implied that he was in the wedding party. I guess there's nothing you can do but call him at this point. Did he not get the hint when he wasn't invited to go tuxedo shopping/bachelor party?

How does someone not realize they're not in a wedding if they were never asked? Did anyone ever actually say that he was? I think your FH just needs to be upfront and honest with him and tell him he isn't in the wedding. Apologize for the misunderstanding but be upfront and honest.

I totally agree @MrsCoakley, how has he not figured out that he is not a GM?

Wait, I realized I read that too fast and missed a few things.

1.) Your wedding is in 12 days and he still thinks he is in the BP? How?

2.) Why does FMIL care if he is or not?

3.) Why would he be so heartbroken? Is there more context here?

You don't owe him any explanation. He is in the wrong here. And I would be seriously pissed if someone I wasn't planning on inviting was buying a plane ticket to my wedding without an invitation first. He's just crashing your wedding. I wouldn't be nice at all.

How did this get this far? Twelve days out and he has no invite and no information on being a groomsman?

This isn't how it works. And it's sure to make your other GM feel like shit.

I'm really hate making people feel bad, and from the situation you have described I get the sense that this guy may have some severe social challenges. If I personally were handling this situation, I would probably invite him to something extra to make him feel better about it while also making it crystal clear that he is not in the wedding party.

"Hey Dylan, would you be able to show up 15 minutes early before the ceremony? Even though we weren't able to make you a groomsman I'd like some photos of the three of us."

Disclaimer: I'm not sure if that is the *best* way to deal with it, but it's the kindest option I can think of at this point. And I would never recommend something like this under normal circumstances.

Yes, how in the world does he not know? I think he knows. If you really feel like you still need to tell him, I vote saying something like:

"We are so glad to celebrate with you! We know it isn't cheap or easy to get here, but your presence is more than we could have wished for. We really wanted you to be able to celebrate the day and relax as a guest after all of that."

If your wedding is in 2 weeks then there should be no telling him, its not like he has been asked to go get his tux.

Wait a second... did he tell you he thinks he's one or is your FMIL filling his head? None of this makes any sense. Did he buy a tux or suit? No one just comes to a wedding they're not even invited to and assumes they're in the wedding party. It sounds like he may have some issues with socializing, as others mentioned? In which case you and your FH should have had a conversation with him a long time ago out of respect for his feelings.

Well #1, you really should have handled this a long time ago. Like the first time he mentioned it. If you're done it then you could've used 'oh man, I wasn't sure if you would be able to make it and I didn't want to ask you to commit to travel and all that so I already filled my spaces. I'm so excited that you're going to make it so we can catch up! Let's plan to do (whatever) before/after the wedding!' or something along those lines to handle it. Even just telling him he wasn't invited... Drawing it out this long only hurts this guy's feelings more.

2. I would be gentle. Very. Like pp said, it sounds like this guy doesn't understand social interaction very well. Maybe have FH call and say he's just realized from his mom that there's been a misunderstanding about the bridal party and that while you are both ecstatic that he's coming and looking forward to catching up, all the spaces in the broad party are full.

3. Where did he get this idea from? How did he find out about the wedding at all? I just can't get my head around him just hearing someone else talk about it and buying a plane ticket with no invitation or anything. Plus assuming he's a groomsman. Has your FMIL been talking to him about the wedding. Your post makes it sounds like she was passing for him to be a groomsman. Did she give him that impression so that you would feel guilty and let him be? If so, then I think she needs to handle this and not you or FH.

Good grief, please don't mind the typos. My phone isn't letting me edit that ^.

So FH really thought he was going to be a GM in our friend's wedding and it didn't happen. The groom took him out for beers and literally CRIED when he told FH that he would not be in it. Grown man, crying because one of his best friends wasn't going to be a GM. However, that happened more than a year before the wedding (they asked early).

So anyway, how do you have 12 days and this poor soul does not know he isn't a GM. I feel terribly for this person. This should have been addressed a long time ago. Like 8-9 months ago. You obviously need to tell him because what is he going to do? Show up in a tux or suit and then you tell him "oh, you aren't walking down the aisle with the bridal party. go sit down"

I would not ask him to come early to take pictures. That would be rubbing salt in the wound. You need to tell him NOW. Not today, tomorrow or next week.. NOW.

Again, poor guy.

ETA: did you at least invite him since he bought a plane ticket?

I'm dealing with this too :/

You are between a rock and a hard spot.

I don't understand how did he buy tickets to come to the wedding before being invited (did you invite him formally after finding this out?)

It's way to close to the wedding to make this a huge deal/drama. Your FH will have to pull up the big boy pants and talk to his friend - he should know how to handle his friend better than you, but being honest is the way to go, if he keeps postponing the talk it might create a much more awkward situation on your wedding day and with the rest of your BP - I would do my best to avoid that.

Good luck OP!

He did ask what he should wear (via Facebook comment), but I assumed he was asking just because he wasn't sure about how formal the wedding was. I just told him a tux wasn't necessary. FMIL is somewhat close to him, which is how he knew about the wedding details. He never has received a formal invitation, but has told FH that he had gotten his plane tickets and was excited to be there so we decided to just let him come. This news is new to us, in fact we learned it only two days ago third hand. FMIL told my mom who told us. FMIL mentioned it to us directly only last night.

I don't understand how someone can think they are apart of the wedding party if you never gave him details about tux rentals and everything else. Is there more to the story considering your wedding is right around the corner and this is just now coming up?

Does FMIL by chance have anything to do with him thinking hes a GM?

@Beachy I wouldn't be surprised if that has something to do with it. Also, FH does not think its weird that he assumed he was in the wedding party, because B was his only friend for a while (to clarify I still think its super weird).

We are talking about calling him and asking him to be an usher. I know usually you shouldn't ask people to do little jobs around the wedding to make them feel special, but in this circumstance I think it s the best way to give him a heads up without making things super awkward.