Telling friends who aren't bridesmaids?

Bridesmaid proposals, are over the top. My bridal party already knows who they are and my friends who aren't are ok with it. They don't live close, and I don't talk to them as much as my bms, but I really want them there as guests. Secondly, I will never be offended about not being in a bridal party, ever, there is a lot of work/time/obligations that go into being in one IMO. I will be happy to spend money on travel, but for a special dress that I can't pull out of my closet, that is 100 bucks or more? I'd prefer to just show up and be there for the bride and groom with a gift.

I agree with both PPs. You don't need to tell her/them. If she/they have an issue with it, they can bring it up to you directly, but it isn't your responsibility to tell each girl you aren't asking them.

I have someone who I used to be really close to before I left for college who is expecting me to ask her. She's reached out to me multiple times to do "bridesmaids things" like coming with me dress shopping (I'm not bring bridesmaids anyway). Since I've got plenty of time, I just ignore it and try not to mention anything. I also won't be asking my girls until much closer to the time so at least my response can always be "I haven't asked my bridesmaids yet." considering it's true. Not sure how it'll go over when I do finally ask my girls but I'm only having 3 who are my nearest and dearest and also know FH well, whereas she doesn't know him as well and we've had a lot of bumps along the years.

It is a little early to be asking bridesmaids, we usually recommend 8-10 months at the earliest.

As someone who was on the receiving end of "you aren't going to be in the bridal party" I can tell you it was awkward and not necessary. I'd rather she just not say anything and let me find out naturally instead of having that conversation.

If you can find a spot for them at all, I would at least try to. You could have them do readings. Or invite them with you when you get your nails done. If they ask, you can just say you didn't want to do larger than 7. But I wouldn't bring it up if they don't ask.

You can pull them into a separate room American Idol style and tell them they didn't make the cut

Seven is already big....and yes, it is hard to tell someone they didn't make a list of seven without some hard feelings, but there's nothing else to do. Don't add readings or rituals for the sake of including somone.

And skip the proposal boxes.

You said they're not your closest friends. I think they just need to put on their big girl panties and respect that.

I personally would be elated not to be a bridesmaid haha

Wow, didn't expect people to be so critical. Welcome to wedding boards, I guess.

Thanks to those of you who did offer advice. I think I will skip telling her anything, I don't see a way to do it without it being awkward. I definitely plan to include her in the bachelorette party.

As for the proposal gifts, it's something I wanted to do for my friends. I don't know why anyone else cares that I got my friends gifts? Or when I'm asking them for that matter.

There are several women who I thought about including but didn't. These are people who I've been friends with for 15-20 years, and was in their weddings several years ago, but while we still keep in touch and see each other when we can we just aren't as close as we used to be. Including all of them would have given me 8 bridesmaids and in the end I decided I only wanted 4 and picked the 4 women who are most a part of my life right NOW as a 32 year old, and not the people that were a huge part of my life in high school that I've remained friends with but have drifted more from in the last 5 years or so. I don't know if they're expecting for me to ask them to be a BM, and I don't know if they will be hurt if I don't ask, but I'm certainly not planning on a conversation where I tell them they aren't included. That to me is so awkward and will likely lead to just an awkward conversation and more hurt feelings. If they point blank ask me if they are going to be in it, I will tell them the truth, which is that I opted for a smaller bridal party of women that I spend the most time with.

Is there another line you can draw somewhere? My BP is friends from college, so my friends I have met since then *hopefully* won't feel slighted.

You shouldn't have to explain this but it might soften the blow a bit.

You are going to need tougher wedding skin if you think anyone here was being harsh.

And we care when you ask because we see a lot of people here with bridesmaid drama who asked early and then want to know if they can kick people out, which you really can't. And before you say it, everyone knows their friends and swears nothing will change, but sometimes it does. If they are truly the people you should have they will still be here in 4 months when it's a better time to ask.

The reason people are commenting on when is because a lot of people ask waaaay too early. Then their relationship changes and they no longer want a certain person in their party. Search the forum. There's too many "How to Fire my BM" threads that could have been avoided if the couple would have waited to ask.

The reason people are commenting on gifts is that it adds pressure. If you spend $100 on a proposal box and your BM/GM says "no" ... well that just makes it awkward. You'll probably be salty that you spent money on nothing and they'll probably feel guilty for turning you down.

ETA: grammar

I've actually been a friend who was told I wouldn't be a bridesmaid in a close friend's wedding. I didnt ask if I would be included in her WP though. She just told me its traditional for most of the BM to be cousins (she has a lot of cousins close in age who are all in each other's WP) and two college best friends. To include me and another friend that she would have included otherwise, we were invited to the bach party, bridal shower, getting our nails down with the WP, and rehearsal dinner. We even went to see her before the ceremony to see if we could help with anything. Honestly, I was happy to have the free time and chill and buy my own dress. I didn't take offense at all.

That being said, not everyone reacts the same way. If she asks directly later on, you can let her know that she's special to you (if she is) and you'd like her to be involved or celebrate with you in other ways.

Eek I'm the only one who mentioned waiting, guess I'm considered critical and non-advice giving.

Thanks @Maria, that was good advice and helpful. I will be sure to invite her to participate in other activities.

And I'm not sure why people jumped from proposal gift to over-the-top proposal box. I've been in the weddings of four of my BMs, three of whom gave small proposal gifts. One was a framed photo collage with a poem in the middle that I still have on my bookshelf. I'm doing something similar because I think it's a nice gesture and, again, it's something I want to do for my friends. As far as the timeline, it's a destination wedding and I want to give them time to save and plan. Not to mention, I've been engaged for seven months and the proposals are more of a formality at this point.

I agree with some of the others - I just wouldn't say anything.

I also don't think proposal gifts are over the top. Who doesn't like getting mail? And being a bridesmaid is a lot to ask - so I think it's a nice gesture. I'll be honest - the proposal boxes I've gotten have been way better than most of the bridesmaid's gifts I've gotten.

When we first started planning, I was so worried about hurting feelings. I.e guest list and bridal party. You have to take a deep breath and toughen up a bit. If you plan your wedding around making everyone you know happy, it will make you miserable. As I've learned on this forum to grow my "bridal balls." It does get easier. Also, telling someone you've decided not to include them in bp is a bit awkward. If she asks, you can be honest, but you have awhile to decide anyway. Best of luck!

No one was harsh to you at all. You asked for opinions, and you got them.

It's way too early to ask, and elaborate proposal boxes can make people feel on the spot to say yes, especially if they're 'not that close'. You can thank them after the wedding with a gift, which is traditional.

Either they or you may lose your enthusiasm in a year, your plans / budget may change. The forum is full of these stories. A year out, the time and $$ involved in a destination wedding may not seem like too much, but that is kind of hard to predict this far out.

You don't invite people to your bach party.

@starsinwaves- I also have to mention that her bridesmaids were some of the sweetest people I've ever met and totally included us and didn't treat us as "other" or anything. So if you decide to include non-WP friends, make sure they're being treated like everyone else!

@Celia I asked for a single opinion and got more opinions on things I didn't ask about. Didn't say anything about people being harsh, just critical. There's a difference between saying "I wouldn't recommend proposal gifts" vs. "Do not give proposal boxes." Also, if you're going to tell a person not to do something they've already decided to do, it's generally helpful to provide a reason why.

How is it "way too early" to ask? Did you read my follow up post? A PP recommend 8-10 months and I'm doing between 10-10.5 months. The first Google result says 8-12 months. I also mentioned that the bridesmaids will have to travel, and I would like to give them extra time to save and plan. There is no "elaborate proposal box," I'm not sure where you got that from. I'm giving them a simple gift. Other than my FSIL, they're all already aware I'm asking them to be bridesmaids and they're all people I've been close friends with for 7-18 years.

And in what world do you not invite people to your bach party? I've planned or have been involved in planning three and each time the bride provided us with a list of who she wanted invited. I'm just genuinely curious about this one.