Step Fathers role

So sad for you feeling like this.

Is she planning on walking alone? Or with her fh? Or you?

Aisle walking alone does not a father make.

And he should do what he does for her because he wants to, not as an aisle walking fee.

Same goes for her, if he feels disrespected or taken advantage of when she asks for things.

Is she planning to do a father daughter dance with him? Maybe she just doesn't want to be walked down the aisle.

I'd ask her reasoning for your understanding but respect her decision. Maybe she feels like if her dad couldn't do it she wouldn't want anyone to take his place for that role.

She is asking her brother to give her away. Her stepfather has no idea what is going on, he just mentioned to me that he hopes she asks him to give her away, he is so excited for her.

You need to talk to your daughter to confirm (unless you have already), then talk to him so that he isn't surprised. She absolutely does not have to include him, but I can understand your concern. Just confirm with her what her plan is (having him walk out with you, just invited him as a guest, etc), then privately discuss with him so he is prepared.

I have asked her why and she said it's because of the difficulty's they had when she was a little girl. He went to her several times and asked her forgiveness for his part in their relationship and she said she forgave him, but I guess not. (There was no physical abuse or anything, he just yelled alot and they didn't see eye to eye)

Hmm. I see. My dad (odd relationship) and step dad (much better relationship) will be at my wedding and my brother is walking me down the aisle because out of the 3 of them, my brother and I's relationship is the strongest. Maybe that's what going on. My stepdad has no qualms about this.

I just feel bad for her stepdad, like I said she calls him Dad, gets him to do all the Dad things for her and he does them because he really does love her like a daughter, he goes out of his way to make her happy . She asks him to do everything for her and he does as much as he can. And she said she forgave him so I don't understand how she can just kick him to the curb now when she is getting married and said it's because of their relationship when she was little? I feel she has just been using him all this time and I'm sure he will feel that way too when he finds out.

My (half) sisters were in a situation similar to your daughter when they got married. They lost their dad when they were young, but my dad (their step dad) has been around for most of their lives and they have a wonderful, loving relationship with each other. Both sisters decided to have their brother (my half brother) walk them down the aisle. It was their way of remembering their dad on a day when his presence was heartwrenchingly missed so much more than it was on a normal day - not a reflection of their relationships with my dad.

I see your update post that your daughter told you it's because your husband yelled at her as a kid, but I don't think I'm making too much of an assumption to think that might not be the only reason.

This is 100% her decision. It's your job to support her and celebrate her wedding day in a way she wants (not you or your husband). Just think - this means you and your husband get to walk down the aisle together at the beginning! That will be a lovely photo for you to have.

She's not kicking him to the curb. It's her choice and it's not wrong for her to want to honor her brother. Perhaps she plans on including her stepfather and you in other ways. There's a long time before the wedding and she's got a lot to think about. Putting pressure on her and fretting about it isn't going to help anything. You all should focus on your relationships, not the wedding. If you feel like she's using you, then stop letting her use you.

Did not read the comments.

Her wedding, her rules. If she doesn't want to include someone she doesn't have to.

The fact that he said he hopes she asks means he has a feeling or an idea that she wouldn't. Imo, this shouldn't be a total surprise to him.

I don't feel she's using me, I feel she is using her stepfather. If she decides she doesn't want him to walk her down the aisle I can't change that. And I love my daughter more that you know "Kate" it's been a difficult relationship since she was a little girl all around and I don't think little of her but this is her pattern. I just wanted to know what I should do in this situation. I haven't spoken to her any more about it and I am helping her plan her wedding. I just know there is going to be hurt feelings and I just wanted to know how to deal with it and smooth the hurt feelings. Obviously she knows this is going to hurt him because she still hasn't told him, she has told everyone else in the family but him. Thanks for your help.

What you do in this situation is let your adult daughter be an adult.

Try not to stress her out too much with the decision she already made. Maybe give her stepdad some insight on what she is planning so he isn't expecting it. And let him know that she and her brother have a close bond.

I really don't know how to handle the situation, but I hope I helped a bit.

This is heartbreaking because I understand both sides in a little different way. My daughter is 11 her biological father has had some sort of idk mid life crisis and basically kicked our children to the curb. He won't speak to our 17 year old because he's gay. He ignores our 13 year old and again ignores our 11 year old daughter. Last December he od'd partying to hard when my 11 and 13 year old were in his care. Even though he spent time in a psych and recovery facility he has not once to date reached out to my kids. Not for Christmas, birthdays, new school year nothing! This all being said my FH has been there through it all through the heartache at the hospital, through the new custody Agreement for their safety. The only thing I've asked from him is to make an appt for family counseling so that the kids have a platform to properly express how they feel before her can regain his custody. He won't even do that. My FH altered his work schedule to help get them to school. He volunteers at her dance studio as a prop daddy for competitions. He's never missed one orchestra concert, or silly award assembly for perfect attendance. When I asked her if she would like to get him a thank you gift on father's day she said no, he's not my dad. It broke my heart to hear her say that. And I explained to her that I didnt expect her to even refer to him as her stepdad but that I did expect her to be appreciative of all the kind things he does for her. She agreed to get a thank you card and express how grateful she is for those things. Long story short this is about you, not her or him. You know a back story on each of them and it means something to you. For that I am sympathetic but you can't expect her to be anything but thankful for his positive role in her life. My FH is so loving and patient with my kids. Beleive me I get how you feel. But you have to let her make this decision and you both have to respect it

Talk to her because she might have a reason such as simply wanting to walk alone. She also might not realize how it will make him feel. I am in a similar situation as your daughter. My bio dad is out of the picture and my step dad raised me. To his face I call him dad but outside of that I say his name. He has done so much for me and I appreciate it and I love the man but our relationship has always been distant emotionally (we both did that, not one of us pushing the other away). I never wanted him to walk me down the aisle. I'm walking myself.

I really wouldn't overthink this. I have an okay dad, a good stepdad, and my thought has always been to have my brother walk me down the aisle. It doesn't reflect on my dad or my stepdad, I'm just close to him and it means the most to me.

My dad didn't even witness me getting married and I'm perfectly happy with my decision to exclude him. It was my wedding and my choice.

I think it's really fucked up that you think that your daughter is using your husband solely because he gave her money, but he's not walking her down the aisle.

It sounds like you are trying to prioritize your husband's feelings over your daughter's feelings on her wedding day. If this has been a pattern in the relationship in general, then you might need to reassess how you communicate with your daughter about this, and long term. The best thing you can say right now is to your daughter "Hey daughter. I understand and support your decision and I love you. You know your step-father loves you too, and if you decide you want to include him in some way, he would be thrilled. But if you don't want to, I respect that as well."

And you can say to your husband "Husband, I love you and respect you, but right now this is about our daughter, and you shouldn't take it personally. Be just as kind and gracious and humble, and things will work themselves out in the end."