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Just Said Yes May 2022

Step-dad forcing me to put step-sister in my wedding

Susie, on April 30, 2020 at 2:16 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 24

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Hi everyone,

I’m in need of some advice. My step-dad is telling me I need to put my step-sister in my wedding or else he’s not contributing and will not be coming. Some background:
I’m 25 and we’re planning our wedding for 2022. My step-dad has always been extremely manipulative, it’s always “my way or the highway” with him. He has two daughters, one who would probably go out of her way to do something on my big day to ruin it, and the other who is my age and is just as manipulative as he is, we’ll call her Stacey!! Stacey is the daughter he wants in the wedding.
A little story on Stacey: her freshman year at college, she told people she was me and literally gave MY phone number out to people. I received a text from a guy asking to “meet him at the quad.” I did not have a “quad” at my school and I was in my dorm unpacking at the time. He explained that he was literally just talking to me but that was impossible since I was in my dorm. Stacey was also rushing that day and introduced herself as me. One of my girlfriends sent me a picture of her asking why this random girl was introducing her self as me, turns out it was Stacey. I sent a picture to the guy that texted me earlier in the day, he confirmed it was also Stacey. I told my mom but nothing ever came of it. From that point on, I really just kept my distance from her. We’ve never been close!!
Fast forward to now. Still not close!! I have my bridal party picked out, I’ve been ordering all sorts of personalized stuff to put in their proposals. I told my mom from that start that I didn’t want either of my step-sisters in my bridal party - I’d be more than happy to find a role for them but they will not be bridesmaids. She was ok with it, as I’m not close with them. But not my are-dad is saying that he’s not going to contribute financially, and that none of his family will come if she is not a bridesmaid.
My thoughts: This day is about my fiancé and I. He’s making it about his daughter by threatening that he won’t be involved if she isn’t. It’s only been a few months and he’s already “strong-arming” me on this. If he’s serious, I think it’s so messed up and he will completely sever whatever relationship we have with him. I obviously want him there, but I do not want my stepsister in my wedding.
Has anyone been through this?? Does anyone have any advice??

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Latest activity by Anna, on May 6, 2020 at 11:17 PM

Dedicated December 2022
Olivia · on April 30, 2020 at 2:24 PM
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This is a really tough situation. Has "Stacey" mentioned anything to you about it? I agree with you totally; it is about you and your fiance.
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Just Said Yes May 2022
Susie · on April 30, 2020 at 2:27 PM
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She has not! We have very different personalities and I don’t think she would have fun with my friends. She is also a very sloppy drunk!! If she were to be in the wedding, I made it clear to my mom that she may not drink. Bridesmaids represent the bride and I cannot have her behavior represent me. How fun is that???She can drink all she wants if she remains as a guest!!
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Devoted August 2020
McKenzie · on April 30, 2020 at 2:35 PM
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I’m sorry you’re going through this. Why doesn’t your mom say something if she knows how you feel? I mean I get it’s between you and him but I feel like the way he is treating/threatening you is so wrong. I would cave and give him his way, you want to surround yourself with bridal party that is truly there for you. I don’t blame you for not wanting her in your wedding, she sounds like a spoiled brat. Your step dad really does seem super manipulative.
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Expert October 2021
Samantha · on April 30, 2020 at 2:39 PM
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Don't take his money. Do whatever budgeting you have to, to pay for your wedding yourself.
Your step sister committed identity theft you should have reported it. Check your credit and inform your bank. Change your phone number and don't give it to her.
This is what a toxic relationship is. There is no reason why you should be subjected to it.
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Master October 2019
Meghan · on April 30, 2020 at 2:39 PM
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Honestly, I would let your father know that you don't want your step sister in you wedding and you will not be forced into doing so. If he does not give you money, so what! You can come up with the finances yourself, or find things to cut in order to stay within a budget you can afford. But being forced to have someone in your wedding, who quite frankly sounds a little crazy, is not okay. This is you and your fiance's day and you should do what you want and what makes you happy! I would leave "Stacey" out! Best of luck!
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Just Said Yes May 2022
Susie · on April 30, 2020 at 2:52 PM
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McKenzie,
I know!! It’s so wrong. I know my mom is trying to make him see it from my POV but he thinks the world revolves around him. It’s almost as if he’s incapable from seeing it from my POV
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Just Said Yes May 2022
Susie · on April 30, 2020 at 2:52 PM
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Toxic relationship is an understatement!!
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Just Said Yes May 2022
Susie · on April 30, 2020 at 2:53 PM
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You’re so right. I think that’s what I may have to do
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Devoted December 2020
Morgan · on April 30, 2020 at 3:14 PM
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Omg how terrible. I think you need to talk to your mom again and have her stand up to him. That is so crazy to me that he is trying to control you and who you put in your wedding. My fiancé has step parents and their kids aren’t even invited to our wedding because we have no relationship with them whatsoever and don’t really know them well at all. I hope everything works out!!
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Super September 2019
Courtney · on April 30, 2020 at 3:43 PM
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That’s sounds crazy manipulative and I would stand up for yourself and put your foot down. I would be as blunt as to say I would love you to be there but I’ll be making the decision on the members of my bridal party alone. You’ve picked your BMs and “Stacey” won’t be part of it. I would also refuse any money he offers if he does because it sounds like it would definitely be held over your head.
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Dedicated July 2021
Alyssa · on April 30, 2020 at 3:44 PM
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That’s so wild. I would put my foot down, say no, and if he doesn’t want to be there then so be it. I don’t think it’s worth the stress or you feeling uncomfortable or feeling like you have to keep your guard up on your wedding day. That’s not okay. Maybe mom can talk to him about it. I doubt that his entire family would turn their back on you for not including your step sister. Plus why one sister and not the other? He definitely sounds like a toxic person and I just wouldn’t let him get his way. He is supposed to be happy for you!
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on April 30, 2020 at 3:47 PM
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Like others have said, politely decline his money and plan the wedding you want. Do not include that toxic step-sister in your wedding if you don’t want to (I would not), or even invite her. You can tell your dad it would break your heart if decides not to celebrate your wedding with you but that’s his choice.
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on April 30, 2020 at 6:17 PM
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Imo, if he's contributing money, he has the right to attach strings to that money. If you really want his financial contribution, then I do think putting her in your wedding party is a small price to pay for that money.
But if it isn't worth it to you, then you can turn down his money. Him saying he wouldn't come at all is pretty immature and spiteful though. If I were you and you wanted to turn it down, you could say something like "my wedding party is already decided, so I understand if you do not want to contribute financially. I hope you and Stacey will still attend as honored guests!" or something.
If he's going to choose not to come, that's his loss.
But if you are accepting his money, you do have to do what he asks.
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Super June 2020
Renee · on April 30, 2020 at 7:56 PM
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Girl, if it's about the money then hustle hard and do what you have to do for your wedding. Save and budget. I don't know you and I am telling you now, on this day, that if you put Stacey in the wedding there will be a problem, peridot. As far as the relationship with your step-dad, it doesn't sound that authentic. He's either going to give you the money or not. He can't tell you how to spend the money once it leaves his hand. But with your date, I'm sure you can save, budget and plan for the wedding you and your fiance will love. Cut this toxic relationship and save your sanity! Good Luck!
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Just Said Yes May 2022
Susie · on April 30, 2020 at 7:57 PM
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Love this. You are so right. Thank you!!!!
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Super June 2020
Renee · on April 30, 2020 at 7:59 PM
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You are welcome!
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Dedicated October 2021
Michelle · on April 30, 2020 at 10:41 PM
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Completely 100% agree. He’s trying to manipulate you. If you allow it, you’re just reinforcing the behavior and he’ll continue to do so in the future. Call his bluff and put the ball back in his court. Make it HIS decision as to whether he attends versus your decision to include her in the wedding party. It’s time to set some major boundaries, or this behavior will only get worse. I wouldn’t let him give any financial support so he can’t hold anything over your head.
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Just Said Yes May 2022
Susie · on April 30, 2020 at 10:43 PM
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I couldn’t agree more. Some major boundaries need to be set. Thank you for your helpful words!!
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Master 0000
Judith · on May 1, 2020 at 1:44 AM
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You should not be taking money from someone so hostile to you. I just gives the nasty man control. Do not change who you want in your wedding to meet his outrageous demands. Sisters, step sisters, or FSIL need not be in any wedding party. This is solely your choice. Tell him he is invited, but past that, don't give him the satisfaction or a reaction. He says he is not coming, say " suit yourself". Plan not to take one cent from him. So that any threats are met with, we don't want your money, or the fits and demands you you make. It is our wedding. Keep holding those boundaries. Down the li e you will be glad you did.
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VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on May 1, 2020 at 2:46 PM
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DO. NOT. GIVE. IN, TO. THIS. JERK.
He has no right to try to take over your day. Don;t accept a dime from him, because it will come with strings attached. To be honest, I wouldn't even invite that stepsister, but I understand that that would be a whole other war to fight.
For real, please pick who YOU want to be in your wedding. If stepdad gets mad, he doesn't have to attend.
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Step-dad forcing me to put step-sister in my wedding

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