Spinoff: how to tell people my ceremony isn't "legal"?

Hey Don't stress this is really common, especially here in Canada. For anyone that has a destination wedding they usually sign their paperwork in advance and then have their ceremony. We are filing our paperwork with a JOP the next day. I keep saying filing paperwork because to me, thats all it is. Its the legal part yes, but when we exchange vows is the meaningful part to me. I would tell people you are filing your paperwork early or later for legal reasons, and leave it at that

Also: since they are within a week of each other, likely nobody will care. PPDs are when you elope for whatever reason, and then 6 months later reenact the whole thing without telling your guests you are secretly married. Different than vow renewal too, years later.

You can just word your invites to indicate that, ie,

Sandpiper and John will be married in a private ceremony on 3/15/2016.

Please join them in celebrating their marriage on 3/20/2016.

Especially given it's a DW - people may be extra annoyed to shell out that money and find out you're already married after the fact (or aren't actually married) yet..

What percentage of your guestlist that you expect to be attending, will already know the situation? If most of them already know and it's just a few outliers who don't, then I don't think I would go out of my way to make it known. Just maybe working it into conversation beforehand. Like when they ask about wedding planning you say something like "it's going well. We won't be able to make it legal while there at the destination because of all the red tape, so we'll do the paperwork when we get home."

I'd be interested in Celia's thoughts on this.

@ Stephanie - I don't know where Sandpiper is from, but here in Alberta, if you want your DW legally recognized here, you have to do your paperwork here, not in Mexico or wherever. So 99% of people are married before they go. Its filing a document, the ceremony is committing your lives to each other in vows witnessed by your family and friends.

I don't think you need to do anything. It's a DW I don't think people expect for the ceremony to be legal. I always thought people that had DW did the legal ceremony before or after.

I really don't think you need to add that on your invitations. I think that is something that is communicated through word of mouth...but only if it comes up.

Thanks all!

@Stephanie, I appreciate the suggestion. I'm just not crazy about putting it on the invitation. To me, saying my vows before family and friends IS the marriage ceremony. The JoP thing is just about making it legal (and including my grandma who can't travel to the ceremony). It's not a secret, but it seems like unnecessary info to have listed on the invite an event that nobody's invited to?

I guess I'm having trouble understanding why people would be "extra annoyed" to pay to attend a ceremony that isn't legally binding. It's not like we secretly eloped three years ago and then are having a party just for fun and gifts? Do my family and friends really care on what day our home state recognized our union, or do they care how we choose to show and celebrate it with them?

@Laura, I'm not sure what percentage will know. I've definitely been mentioning it to people but I haven't gone out of my way to make it universally known because it honestly didn't occur to me that it would matter to anybody. I definitely have plenty of time to get the word out, but a lot of guests are folks I don't regularly talk to (friends of my parents, FH's cousins, etc). Do I ask the people who are closer to them (my mom, FH's sisters, etc) to "get the word out"? Seems so unnecessary to me but again, I guess I just didn't realize that I could be inadvertently offending people!

I agree with what L&G said, but I'm also from Alberta so we might have a different mentality than people from other places. *shrugs*.

Just like Julia T stated, it's a DW and people don't expect the ceremony to be legal; but if you really feel the need to communicate it to your guests you just state either that you're celebrating your marriage, or that you're doing a vow renewal at your DW.

I had no idea that people cared so much about the legal bit. My brother introduced our family to his fiancee under that title, and then later let slip to only my dad that in actuality they were already legally married. He's in the military and it would've been silly for them to wait on the benefits. They placed the wedding several months away, so she could finish school, he finish training, and both families make arrangements to come. It was a secret from her family but none of ours cared. To me, the important bit is the uniting before family and friends and celebration. I'd never think less of her or them for how they did it. I'm probably the minority, but I hate the term PPD and think it's rude.

I wouldn't even put it on the invite. Maybe on the website. Private ceremony on X date.

I think the thing ppl have a problem w/ is the lets get married now, save for the "wedding" in X months, or years. In that case its not per se a wedding, more of a vow renewal. Most of those ppl just say "join us is the celebration of our marriage" instead of "in the marriage of their daughter" or something of that sort to indicate they're already married. (not all but some)

I don't think you need to say anything. If someone got upset about this situation its pretty ridiculous. If someone asked specifically, I wouldn't hide it or lie, but I would not go out of my way to work it into conversation.

Honestly, I have never heard of a pretty princess day or people being upset that the wedding wasn't actually the legal part. Getting married at the courthouse and having the big wedding later is fairly common in the military, so maybe I'm just used to it...

Eta: typos

I don't think what you're doing is that uncommon. Getting married in a small, civil ceremony in the US right before departing to DW is fine. People do to avoid the complications you're trying to avoid. Don't worry about it. As a guest as your DW, it wouldn't phase me in the slightest.

I would just say "join us in celebrating our marriage". People can think what they want after that. Most people get up in arms about the word wedding, like calling it your wedding is misleading if you're already legally married. It IS a celebration of your marriage, so I would just call it that

Honestly, I wouldn't mention it unless asked specifically. People understand that DWs have their own sets of challenges and perks. I wouldnt care. As a matter of fact, I know a fee couples that filed paperwork a day or two before the ceremony. Didn't brother me one bit and they weren't DWs.

I don't understand why anybody would get upset about this! My FH and I actually just made the appointment today for our civil ceremony a week before our wedding. My family will know, the bridal party, and a few friends. We aren't keeping it a secret but I don't feel the need to tell everybody! The ceremony at the courthouse is just for legal purposes, we are counting the wedding as our anniversary date and beginning of our marriage! I wouldn't stress about it.

I wouldn't mind at all -- that sounds like a really silly hang up to me (for a guest) when they're planning an entire trip to celebrate someone's union. On route to a wedding in December, we found out that the bride and groom had actually made it official the day before, and were only having a reception. None of us were upset about it, but we did wish we had known ahead of time, only because they didn't do a ceremony with the guests at all. You're still doing a ceremony at your wedding, and like you said, that's the one that matters

Thanks everyone! It's so interesting to see the diversity of opinion on this. Glad to hear a lot of you wouldn't mind.

I like the idea of changing the traditional "wedding of their daughter" language to "celebrate the marriage of their daughter," since it's accurate while still not undermining the importance of the ceremony.

I wouldn't tell anyone anything, honestly, and the closest I'd get on the invite is, "Join us to celebrate....". We do a TON of weddings for couples who are going to islands or other countries to get married and besides the pain in the ass paperwork before, there is the convenience afterwards of having a USA issued license. It just makes everything easier going ahead. We also do a lot of weddings for couples whose timeframe will not allow them to be in NJ for a week ahead of time to get their license, so they get married where they're from and we do what is essentially a vow renewal. The language is pretty much the same, with a few tweaks. I have couples with visa issues, military housing issues, health insurance issues, even mortgage rate issues. In every case, the "big wedding" is in place, but there are compelling reasons to be married earlier. Sometimes we do one or the other ceremony; sometimes we do both.

Personally, I don't get this fixation with the legal paperwork needing to be on the same day as the celebration; in many, many countries you have to have a court wedding before your religious celebration with your families. FutureMrsT; what difference did it make? Answer; none. The bride and groom chose to have a celebration with their families and friends in attendance because that's a part that is just as important as the legal paperwork. (I'm not dismissing that; I have many, many gay couples that have been waiting for that opportunity for entirely too long...)

Do what works for you, tell your parents (and let them know why) and have a great wedding!