Special needs ring bearer: need advice

I’m not a parent and I’m certainly not a parent of a child with special needs. I know it can be a sensitive subject so I’m just not sure now how to go about it. Do I just sit back and let them decide last minute? Do I say it’s up to them but let me know before the RSVP date? Do I explain to them the amount of people, the music and the open doors with a river? I’m not concerned about him having a melt down at the altar, it’s about him not running into the river and allowing his parents to have a good time without having to worry about him. I’m just at a loss at how to bring it up again after thinking about it. I think they feel obligated to have him because we asked, and I think they think we feel obligated. No one is obligated, just want everyone to be happy including his nephew.

I would personally leave it up to his parents. They know him and his behaviors best. If they would rather come to the wedding without him then give them that option. It sounds like you want to make everyone happy but the crowds and the noise could set him off depending on his sensitivity to those triggers. Just have a talk with your FSIL and BIL and see how they feel about it. Maybe they want to come to the wedding and have a night off if they have a babysitter? Maybe they will have him do the ceremony and get a babysitter for the reception? It's best to have a talk with them, they are the experts on their child.

I think it would be difficult for a two year old without special needs to get down the aisle by himself. I'm going to have my brother escort my niece down the aisle she will be 18 months at the time. Could he walk with his dad or mom?

It's not the aisle I'm worried about. It's the music, crowded room and open doors. To be honest, I don't know all of his triggers.

That will probably be a last minute "day of" kind of decision- and you'll need to be okay with it- he may need help and or headphones.

Sensory overload IS a thing- so if you want him involved in the wedding- I'd almost promise you he will barely make the reception (well- I lied- depends on how high functioning he is) but if he does make the reception- most likely won't be there all night. He'll need a break- and a space for himself (and caregiver) to retreat to when he can.

I'd leave it to them- and let them have the choice to make it last minute.

Our 3 year old nephew is also autistic. We had him in the program as our ring bearer, but come day of if he didn't go down the aisle that was fine with us. Day of he needed his 10 year old brother and our daughter to walk down with him. He isn't sensitive to noise though so that could make a difference. Our main concern with him was him getting frustrated and having a meltdown since he's non-verbal, but he did great. His mom was prepared to stand in the hall if he did have a meltdown though. We also had his normal babysitter at the reception in case he wasn't into being there but he ended up having a blast with the other kids. I think it helps though that the kids at the wedding are kids he sees on a frequent basis.

My advice would be to play it by ear. Maybe tell the parents you'd love him as the ring bearer, but come the wedding day if he isn't feeling it he can just remain with them.

ETA: He's high functioning though. Not sure where on the spectrum your nephew lies, but I still think that it's going to have to be a day of decision unfortunately.

I don't think these are things you have to worry about. I'm sure his parents take these types of things into account on a daily basis, everywhere they go, and would let you know if they thought it wasn't a good idea. I say this as the older sister of a boy with autism and also as a special ed. teacher. As a caretaker you are always hyper-aware of what the situation is and what a accommodations you will have to make for your child. If it will ease your mind, you can have a conversation with them where you let them know you would love to have him in the wedding, but would understand if they thought it might be too overwhelming for him, and to just let you know their decision by a particular date.

It is not developmentally appropriate for a young child(0-3) to be in a wedding. They don't want to. They don't care.

Definitely let his parents decide if it's a good idea or not, since you don't know his exact triggers. I believe another bride on here has a similar case with a close family member with autism - walking her down the aisle, if i recall correctly. I think she came to the decision that if her family member was feeling up to it on the day of then they were welcome, but if not then she had a back up plan.

JaKLyn if I had to guess, I'd assume he's high functioning too, but I'm honestly not 100% sure. From what I've seen he's extremely intelligent, is somewhat verbal, but does tend to run and does get easily upset over certain things.

You all have pretty much said what I was thinking, just didn't know if it was the right direction. There is a 3rd floor of the venue that they sometimes use for babysitting, so that could be an option too and I'll mention it to them.

He's 6 Bride2b. It's not an age issue, he just has special needs. I actually have twin nephews who will turn 3 a month after my wedding and I'm not including them.

It sounds like his mom is a little stressed/worried that his lack of cooperation might upset you. Just reassure her it won't, and that if he isn't up to walking, he doesn't have to, but he will still be considered your ring bearer. I think it's wonderful that you want to include him.

Sorry OP misread.

I guess it would depend on his level of autism but, it would be very stressful on him. I have a few cousins with autism and they get very uncomfortable with noise, groups of people and lots of attention. I agree you can give him an honorary name of ring bearer but don't force him into it.

We are having FH's 9 yr old autistic son as part of our wedding party. He functions more on the level of 5-6 yr old. We are having his older brother walk down with him, so he's not alone. There will be a seat for him in case he can't stand for the ceremony. And someone will be prepared to go out of the ballroom with him if it's too much. We can't know how it's going to go, we can only make plans to make sure he is ok.

My perfectly normal 3 year old gets sensory overload in crowds and doesn't like loud noises, it's a toddler thing. Add to that someone on the spectrum, I would be utilising his parents the day of the wedding, they know best how to handle any outbursts and how to keep him calm and how to spot if it's going to overwhelm him from the get-go.

Talk to them and get some ideas about what they can do to help minimise the probability of overload on your wedding day.

I also have a special needs ring bearer. His mom told me that he freaks out with loud music and is worried about the live Organ that will be playing in the church. I am just going to let whatever happens happen. But i am going to watch this post for any great advice.

I tell my couples, with young ring bearers and flower girls, that on the day of the wedding, we'll just go with the flow. Either the kids will walk or they won't -- and either way is OK.

Plan on having the 6-year old participate, but don't be heartbroken if he won't cooperate.

I would let the parents decide since they would have to watch him for the entire wedding. They may want a night out. My co-worker has an autistic son. They love him to death, but they don't have as much fun when they have to attend a wedding with him because one or both of them have to constantly be with him. They prefer when they get a sitter so they can relax a bit and have more fun.

If they don't want him there, is there any way you could get pictures with him before the ceremony to at least have him be part of your day in a special way?

Also, they could always have him there for your ceremony and have someone else watch him elsewhere during the reception. I have been to some weddings that had children in the ceremony only.

Given that you have 2 ring bearers, it seems like you should just be totally open to him and the parents about how you would love it, but only if it is something that would be enjoyable to him/his parents. It seems like the other ring bearer could just do it alone, so is there a reason you would need an RSVP? I think the parents would be more comfortable knowing that they can play it by ear on that day and cancel if need be without you being upset.

ETA: yes, I think you should be totally open with them about what to expect regarding the number of people, the river, music, etc. They'll be able to make the best decision for their son, so just help them to understand that you fully trust and support whatever they decide, whenever.