SOS!! Cancel the wedding at only 4 months to go?? Mental health awareness is important

SOS! Is it okay to cancel the wedding when it's only 4 months away, and you've been planning for the past two years, and already have a bridal party of 6 bridesmaids and 6 groomsmen, all vendors booked, and dresses/gifts bought?? Final balances are due in November.

My Fiancé's family and I have a VERY tension filled relationship that just keeps getting worse and worse.

I suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder, which is a LEGIT mental health issue. It's something that has deeply hurt me throughout my life, and not easy on me at all. My 6 bridesmaids consist of my 2 sisters, my only 3 friends, and my sister in law.

My fiancé's family is a HUGE Dominican family. (I'm Dominican too, but from a much smaller family.) They are SUPER close, attached at the hip, and SUPER loud/extroverted. They love to spend all their spare time together in group family activities: family game nights or large group outings.

I honestly go to as many events as my social anxiety allows me to muster without totally torturing myself, (although there have been many torturous events), but there are many other events that I simply CANNOT muster up the courage to attend, because I know I would be so incredibly shy/anxious, that I wouldn't be able to relax or enjoy the event, and instead would just sit there with my heart racing, stomach physically hurting from the nerves/anxiety.

I've tried to explain to his brother and sister before about my Social Anxiety Disorder, but they didn't listen/believe in it. No one in his family seems to believe mental health disorders are truly a thing, and that I just need to suck it up and make "compromises" by attending ALL their events. I put the word "compromises" in quotation marks, because his sister literally lectured me last year on how I need to make more "compromises" by attending all their events.

They are so bitter and resentful towards me over missed events, that now I'm just SUPER scared/anxious about the wedding. (Mind you, I've never missed an important milestone event like a wedding or baby shower, birthday etc. I've only missed events like a few family game nights and the like.) Instead of feeling love and support at the wedding, will I just feel the tension instead?! Because I don't want to waste tons of money on a party for people who are just bitter and resentful towards me and non understanding of my issues.

I also have so few people from my circle of friends and family, that I am honestly kicking myself about choosing to have a big wedding with the works in the first place! What was I thinking?! Why would I want to have a big party full of people like this?!

I am having MAJOR cold feet. I LOVE my fiancé, but he's HORRIBLE at communicating with his family. I want to marry him, but now I'm seriously thinking just going to city hall just him and I would be a better choice. All advice is welcome! Thank you!

I'd say look into couples' counseling, and individual counseling too, if you haven't already. This could help you and your FH learn how to better communicate with the family.

I stopped reading when you said they don't believe in your condition. YOUR mental health is important and real! It drives me nuts when people don't validate mental disorders because they're "invisible" illnesses. IMO, put everything on hold until your FH understands your condition and has the balls to stand up to his family. So sorry you're dealing with this. Don't compromise your mental health for ANYONE! Best of luck, OP! <3

Aww. I am sorry you are feeling this way. I too hate being in crowds. Going out etc. i hate being the center of attention and i am nervous for my wedding day because we are having a pretty big wedding. Do what you feel is right. But it sounds like if you cancel, his family may resent you and the tension will only get worse. I am sorry that I dont have any constructive advice to give you. Just a hug. : ( i wish you the best of luck and I hope that you are able to overcome this.

Go to city hall. Do what you feel is necessary. We're not having a big wedding, we're doing an elopement wedding ceremony with family and a handful of friends. The ones who truly supports our union.

My FH has horrible social anxiety as well. He doesn't come to many events with me. But having anxiety myself (not social anxiety) I totally understand and give him the space he needs. Your FH needs to stand up for you and discuss your mental health with his family. When you're finally married you're all family and you all need to support each other. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

At the end of the day, what should matter most is about what you and your fiancé are comfortable with! If that means city hall, then go for it girl. If there was resentment and tension like that between mine and FH's family I would probably do the same thing.

My only other advice, if you're still debating about city hall, is to maybe try counseling with your FH to see if you two can work on a way to go through with the big wedding, if you think you might regret it in the future. But someone who doesn't support you (aka his family) should not dictate your happiness!

I'm so sorry this is your reality. I'd highly suggest getting couples counseling. If you really want to be married but forgo the pomp and circumstance and do a smaller intimate wedding where you can feel comfortable.

What does your FH think about your condition? Does he believe the same as his family?

Girl truth is he needs to step up and be a real man and stand up for you against his family because YOU are his family now too.

Your mental health is important and anybody who disregards that is ignorant.

This makes me so sad @honeybee. You're taking an emotional beating from his family. As I was reading your story my throat was tightening up with secondhand fear thinking of what it must be like to have your future family in law attack you and I don't have social anxiety disorder. FH needs to come in kicking and screaming to shut his family up. I don't know if Dominicans have this saying but Puerto Ricans always say that some people never miss a doll party lol. Well you're not like that. They need to get. with. it. While they should be respectful of your social anxiety disorder, I'm not too hopeful if they're anything like my extended family. I can't really explain it but I think there's a deep cultural rejection of mental illness because it's seen as weak and something for Americans. The whole "I didn't have time to be depressed while I was struggling to feed the family with a racist employer" thing. I know so many people in my family that would really benefit from counseling and treatment but they won't even consider it because of the stigma. Fucked up. Regardless FH needs to sound like a broken record in your defense. Should you cancel the wedding? If it's going to impact your health? Yes, do it. Cancel. However 4 months is not a lot of time left so I would think back to when you started planning this wedding. Was it only because of FHs family? Was any of it your dream location or celebration? Just because you're so close to the finish line and canceling will not only be a logistical undertaking but have additional tension with his family. As I write this I'm thinking fuck them but I know you actually have to deal with them. No matter what you do ask close and understanding family members for help. You're not doing well. Let them help you get your money back if you cancel. If you don't cancel, let them take some of the planning burden away. Get FH even more involved. Don't go through this alone if you don't have to. I'll be thinking of you.

First, just breath. Do some breathing exercises. Then seek some counseling asap. You will feel so much better getting all of this out with someone who can talk you through it. I also have social anxiety so I understand where you are coming from. I'm terrified of walking down the aisle with 100 people staring at me.... my stomach hurts any time I think about it... but I just remember who will be standing at the end of the aisle. I think about the memories that I will have from that day. The start of my life with my fh, sharing such an important time with my closest family and friends. There has been a lot of negativity from my Fh's family about the wedding and they give me a lot of crap for my anxiety. His mom hated that we are getting married. But after many, MANY talks she has finally gotten better about it. But even if your fil don't ever understand you don't let that stop you from doing what you want. If you want to have a nice big wedding then do it. If you want to forget all about it and do something intimate then do it! Don't let anyone stop you from doing what you want. You deserve to be happy and look back on your wedding day with great memories. And if you go through with the wedding I really don't think they will be focused on being angry. I think it will be a busy and fun day and there will be too many good things going on to think about negativity. That day is about you and your fh. Not anyone else! Do breathing techniques, do some guided meditation, see a counselor. You'll get through this.

If you have SAD, why did you plan such a huge wedding to begin with? If your relationship is tension filled now, do you think it will get better after you get married? I'd cancel the wedding and get this situation dealt with.

Aww I am so sorry. You should do what is best for your health and situation. Self care is very important. Best of luck.

So sorry Honeybee I hate this for you. I can definitely relate with you... My FH also has a huge family that is always getting together and I have some major social anxiety and sometimes I just can't handle the social gatherings.. it's rough. Counseling could be super beneficial; couples counseling and individual. Your FH really needs to stand up for you in this situation. He should be able to tell his family what's going on, but if they choose not to listen and not understand that's on them. Do what's best for you and what makes you most comfortable!

Have you talked to your FH and expressed that you are thinking about cancelling/postponing? I hope all of this works out for you. Take care!!

Take care of yourself first, as others have stated seek counseling for yourself individually and for your fiancé and you as a couple. You are getting married next year and you have time. Have you thought about just scaling the wedding down? Make it a smaller group maybe 80 people or less. You don't have to invite everyone. I understand he has a big family but if that's not an option then go to city hall and take your nearest and dearest out to dinner afterwards. If you cancel you will not be able to get your money back from the vendors .

I second the couples counseling, contact the vendors, do the city hall wedding ceremony to take some of the anxiety off, and keep the reception. Hope that helps, compromise may put your anxiety in its place. You need to be heard.

I'm sorry you're dealing with that, Honeybee. I'm intimately acquainted with mental health struggles, and loved ones who don't understand them. Sending you all of the hugs. What does your FH do to stand up for you?

Thank you SO much, everyone, for all of your advice. Having a big wedding has been one of my greatest life dreams. I was always the stereotypical girl who dreamed of the big wedding, and when I got engaged, I just jumped right into full planning mode, trying to live out this dream, without stopping to think about it. No, FH doesn't believe in my disorder either. He thinks it's just "shyness" that I should be able to easily just get over, BUT he's understanding when I can't make an event, unlike his family. He just wants me to be happy, so if something is going to give me bad anxiety, he's okay with me skipping out.

Maria H., YES! Sooo much yes to everything you said! Latinos in general are quite ignorant to mental health conditions, and you're absolutely correct that most of them just consider it something other cultures deal with. It's very sad and frustrating, and definitely what's going on with FH's family.

It hurts me most of all that they think I don't "compromise." I wish I could tell them, "every time I see you is a compromise!!" No outside person should be able to judge our relationship and tell me I'm not making enough compromises or sacrifices, because they are not in this relationship with us. My FH, as my man, ONLY my FH can tell me if I'm not doing enough for HIM. I live to make him happy. If he is not happy, I am not happy!!! They don't see that. But that's FH's place to tell them that.

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On your comment above: the fact that your FH doesn't "believe" in your social anxiety disorder either is troubling (though it's good that he's trying to be understanding about you missing events anyway). IMO, it's time for him to get some serious education on mental illness. He's going to be your husband, and he needs to understand what this is, how it affects you, and how he can help you manage it.

Do you see a therapist? Maybe he could attend a session with you. Try consulting your local NAMI branch and see if they have support groups, or even just online resources. Give him materials to read. Have him attend a support group meeting with you (there are frequent free meetings in my area, and my husband and I have attended them together in the past). I'm sure people here will have lots of other ideas on resources.

I really think your first step is to get your FH fully on your side, so that he can be a more effective advocate for you.