Small ceremony / big reception / angry family

I wouldn’t travel for an out of state wedding to not actually attend the wedding either. If you’re okay with some people declining your invitation, stick to your guns.

Tell them you believe a wedding is about a couple and while you will miss them you both understand if they decide not to come.
If they're not footing the bill for the wedding then they don't get a say.

I would have it recorded and played at the reception. I have seen this done and it’s a great compromise.

This day, technically is about you and your husband - I would say disregard her comment. Another way is to email them the link of your wedding video after your wedding.

I don't see why people care so much about that xD it's like ... You're invited to celebrate with the couple why does it matter that it's just for the reception only which is a bulk of what a wedding is anyway? Like just be grateful you even got invited.
But anyway, I would just be like I want it to be really intimate and I appreciate you coming to celebrate with me in general.

View Quoted Comment Agree with this.
It's completely fine to have a private ceremony but its also completely normal for your guests to have feelings about it. This was your choice, these are the repercussions.

If you really want a private wedding, have a private wedding - I would totally understand that. I don't need a pity invite because you want more presents. The WEDDING is the important part of the day, and I would also not attend party for a wedding I wasn't invited to.

I think your plan of an intimate family ceremony is okay! Don't budge if that's what you truly want

The wedding IS about you and your fiancee. That's the entire point of a wedding, to celebrate your love. I can understand some frustration of the people flying in though. I probably wouldn't travel far and not be able to go to the wedding. Not everyone will feel that way though. You have to do what's right for the two of you. There will be some understandable hurt feelings though i'm sure. This isn't an easy situation for you i'm sure. I would say just stick to what is important to you though, you are the bride, and it's about the vision of you and your fiancee

View Quoted Comment I also agree. They are struggling to come to terms with not being allowed at the ceremony. However respectful they will try to be there are many hurt feelings. Gotta roll with it to get what you want.

I give her props for being honest that it's not about you it's about all of "us." That's my biggest hangup with weddings and now being a bride planning one. The lie is that it's all about you, your day. The secret truth is that it's all about them, the guests.

Stick to your guns! It really is about you and you can keep it that way. It's a special moment for you and you future spouse and I love that you are sticking to it because that is how it should be despite the narcissism of the guests.

We're doing exactly this, and have had a few issues so far.. mostly grandparents/family who are a bit more stuck on the "traditional" way of doing things. I'm usually one to never say "no" to anything, but fortunately FH has been willing to stand up for it as well - it was his idea, initially, since we're not hugely fond of being the center of attention.

Granted, there are some family members outside that circle that we'd love to invite, but since we both have huge families (that we're mostly not close to) we couldn't pick & choose. It was easiest to restrict to immediate only, and then include everyone at the reception.. Yes, some people would like to be a part of the ceremony too; but, we aren't just extending a "pity invite" looking for gifts or money, we would rather offer them a free catered meal & alcohol to celebrate with all our friends & family.

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant.

Essentially, just agree that you're both willing to stand up for what YOU each want and present a united front!

We are having a private ceremony as well, but it will be about 50 people. We are inviting others to come to celebrate our marriage afterwards for the reception which will be about 150-175. I would not be offended if people chose not to come to the reception because I obviously decided that they would not be there for my vows. If people decide not to come then that is their decision just like it was yours to keep it private. Personally, I just wanted my vows to be intimate and with the people I knew it would mean just as much to as opposed to just an attendance thing.

I feel your struggle! We are going to the courthouse and then having a reception later in the evening. I'm getting a LOT of people's opinions of how they think I should do our wedding, primarily that we should have a ceremony at the venue instead of going to the courthouse, but that was part of my FH and I's compromise. I agree that if the family members know up front of what to expect and you both decided what is going to make you happy, it's the two of you that work hard for that marriage. Family should be supportive instead of judgmental.

Did they know they wouldn't be attending the ceremony from the start? As others have said- many people wouldn't want to travel just to go to the reception. While what you're doing is perfectly fine, it would not be fine for you to have not informed family of this until after expensive travel arrangements were made. This is something I don't really care about BUT if I did and bought plane tickets + hotel and whatever else needed and THEN found out.. I could see being very upset. Is this why they're upset? If so, I see clearly their point aside stated above.
If not and they knew and chose to come but are complaining/nagging then that's on them! They made their decision with all facts presented.

View Quoted Comment KristinC- thank you for relating and understanding where I’m coming from. I am not “pity” inviting people for gifts and money to my reception like the user “Lady” said. It has ZERO to do with that! I am spending a lot of time planning this reception - catered dinner, open bar, a thoughtful and fun theme, welcome gifts, etc and so many other things that I have been working on for a year! Our friends and family who know us best, know this is what we want! And who we are! And I’m including all of the extended family for pictures at the reception venue during cocktail hour. The actual vows and stuff will literally be 10 mins long. my reception is our main way to celebrate. It has NOTHING to do with money-I would love people to not bring gifts at all honestly. My fiancé and I want our vows to be sweet and short, and just with the people that know us the best at our favorite park that we spend a lot of time at. Genuinely us. Where we can stand up and pronounce our love at a park that is so dear to us. Doing our wedding this way is very “us” and I want to honor that. I realize some people don’t get this, and again - these are extended family I see every couple of years at other family events that are complaining. I don’t want them to dictate how my FH and I want to do this. I’m frustrated that this is even an issue, instead of honoring our choices!! Especially since we see each other so rarely. Sorry to rant and vent, I truly do appreciate everyone’s input on this topic and all of your advice!

Wow. I think its a personal choice of who you want at your vows. I like what you guys are doing but I honestly would want to see it as well and I would be pretty offended if I was not invited to the whole thing. I know I would because my brother got married without us there and said that he would later invite us to his reception. I cried for 3 days. I just could not believe he did not want us there to see him exchange vows. For me I would rather see the vows than be at the reception. I am just being honest. But if I were doing it your way I would say this "I totally understand that you are coming a long way and want to be a part of every moment. But we decided on having a private ceremony that includes only a select few as this is an intimate time for us, we need to keep that part small. The reception is the celebration of us and is not just a party. I understand if you are offended and don't want to attend but this is what is best for us. Thank you."

You will get push back, especially from out of town guests. If you really want your small, private ceremony you should absolutely have it but I can see their point too. I wouldn't travel for a reception if I wasn't invited to the wedding.

It's your wedding and you can do what you want, and I think you have the best of intentions, but I am also on your aunts side. Even if you aren't inviting people for their gifts, it still comes across that way and I'm sure that's how some people will feel.

I would also not go to a reception if I wasn't invited to the ceremony. I think being there to see the couple say their vows and commit their life to each other is so special and my favorite part of a wedding, even if it is only a "simple 10 minute ceremony". I don't really want to party and celebrate a union you didn't think I was important enough to witness.