Sister Sabotage

Stop including her in the wedding planning.

I would like to add that I have still included my sister as a bridesmaid despite her behavior towards me but I am worried about further sabotage on our big day... her baby will be an infant and she has already said she will most likely skip our reception

@futuremrsmadienname I have ultimately stopped including her in the process. However, she then spends her days complaining about me to our mother and how I am ruining our relationship by not including her enough. Then when I try, she just ruins everything! My MOH lives across the country, and without my mom and sister i feel like I'm all alone in this process ??

You said your sister "has always been very competitive" with you, so it doesn't sound like this behavior is a surprise. People are who they are. Your wedding is not going to fundamentally change her. It's too bad you don't have a better relationship, but at this point you need to stop forcing it. This is like the story with the guy in the doctor's office who says, "doctor, doctor it hurts when I go like this" and the doctor says "well stop going like that then!" Limit your contact and don't expect anything from her.

I'm sorry to hear that. Knowing how close I am with my sister's I know how hurt I would be if they acted that way towards me. I agree with PPs to just stop discussing with her. Have you asked if there is an underlying issue? You could approach taking her out of the bridal party by asking if everything is ok, or if she is up to being involved. If anything it might help at least clear the air.

OP - the more you include her, the lonelier you'll feel. Sounds like she's pretty determined not to put any effort into the relationship or the wedding. Why did you decide to include her as a BM?

Ok so I guess my biggest problem here is how the rest of my family is supporting her behavior. She lives at home with my parents and other sister, one hour away. So if I want to be involved with my mother and other sister, I am forced to be around her. However when I go to visit, they ask that I do not talk about the wedding as to not upset her. So I should just keep my entire family out of my wedding? They are all I have... they are the closest people to me. She has always been competitive, but I would have never expected this type of sabotage behavior. Ultimately I think she is upset because we only had 30days to plan her wedding and now she is comparing everything I'm doing to what she had. We busted our butts to give her the best wedding we could.

If she's a bridesmaid you can't stop discussing the wedding with her. I recommend you keep it short and only discuss the details that concern her (dress, shoes, etc).

I think your family should encourage your sister to grow up and be happy for you - rather than ask you to not discuss something you're so excited about.

It sounds like my sister. We are getting married on Mother's Day and I asked our moms and her before hand if it was ok. Everyone said it was fine it's your wedding. Since then she has been nothing but rude about it and is to the point where she isn't coming because I won't let her son come. We're having a child free wedding. I'm not making an exception for her. I have just stopped talking to her in general and that's made everything better. She is my MOH but as of right now she's resigned and isn't coming. Sucks but I'm better off if this is how she's being right now.

I actually totally understand how you are feeling and have stopped talking about our wedding with my family. My FH and friends are the only people I talk about it with and generally only when asked specifically about it. No one is as excited about our wedding day as I am ... And I have come to realize that sometimes we set ourselves up to be hurt by our families.. if we expect nothing from them and get nothing we aren't hurt and if we expect nothing an get something well then they have surprised us! Just be excited about your day and let them continue down the miserable path they are on .. I've recently come to this realization and life has been so much better!

Yeah I agree with Rita. Your family should be more supportive!

I agree with Rachel. If you're trying to keep your mom and other sister included but they won't discuss it with your competitive sister around, you're going to have to limit it to group chats and emails.

If your family is not helping pay for the wedding and they are all excusing your sister's behavior that's hurting you, the best course of action is to protect yourself by not opening that to them to be rude and critical of.

Tell them when to show up and what to wear as their only duty and privilege as BP members.

How close are you with your in laws? Maybe you could discuss wedding things with them instead of your family, so you don't feel so alone.

I would be extremely hurt to and I am in sort of a similar situation just not as direct. FH's brother is the exact same way but he lives in Oklahoma currently with his gf and will be moving back to California in the next couple months with her. She has family where FH and brother is from to so its fine but he has always been super competitive with FH and wanting to take away all the spotlight and put it on himself. When we got pregnant he critized our name choices and had just got with his gf a month before our baby shower up at his families and called to tell FH he might be an uncle now but then said she had cheated on him and now hoped she wasn't. She ended up getting her period at our shower. Flash forward to now he has said some hurtful things about us mainly me over fb because I would post monthly belly shots of my growing baby and ultrasounds. I gave birth to our son December 6th 2016 and FH proposed December 9th after we got home from the hospital. Two weeks after his brother tells everyone he proposed to his gf of 5 months and is now engaged to. We congratulated him and have said nothing negative about it but his brother takes any chance he can to try and get all the attention. His now fiance doesn't seem all into it from what I could tell at the wedding we went to last month. Point is he does the same thing but he can't all the time because he's out of state and we don't have to interact with him I have no idea how its going to be when he moves back but luckily is still 4 hours away. Try not to stress to much I have also learned that no one will be as excited as us and his family will have to be happy for both of them so the attention is shared and that's ok. I am happy I am on here and have amazing people to talk to! Remember your day will be beautiful and amazing and if she wants to be jealous and miss out its her loss but I do get wanting to be home with her new baby. It might be better that way so you can have a happy fun environment for your reception!

" She ended up getting her period at our shower" What does this have to do with anything?

I think people are so quick to jump on the jealousy . Have you tried to talk to your sister?

I come here to talk wedding- I'm planning this myself with my fiancé - I share decisions I've made of asked- but I don't ask their opinions- really, they don't need to be involved in planning - if they (and I do mean all sis & mom- since they don't stop your sis- they support her behavior ) don't want to--- try to have fun with this - for you- forget about the others- you'll invite and they can attend as guests if they choose- but stop letting everyone else dictate how you feel when you're actually in control of that! You can decide to let this Perry stuff get to you or ignore it.

ETA: the reason I come here is most people really do not care about our weddings as much as we do---

Do we have the same sister? I wont get into to much detail but I am in a very similar situation. I ended up having to cancel my bridal shower because my sister was being such a fucking brat about it. And that's just the tip of the iceberg, I have been dealing with her shit for my entire two year engagement. Its easy to get caught up in the excitement but I feel like I have to constantly remind myself that the dress shopping, bridal showers, décor exc is all just extra stuff and at the end of the day you will still be married so don't let anything or anyone ruin your day.

Stop talking to her about wedding stuff

I have a big family of very opinionated people and I have learned to leave them out of wedding details. Every time I mentioned something to my family they would say that I should do it a different way or that they didn't like it. At the end of the day its your wedding not theirs and they will have to be supportive of what decisions you make or they can pout quietly to themselves lol.

You can't change other people. She has shown her true colors...just do what is best for you n FH n try to let this go.