Sister of the bride

I think it depends how old she is. if she is still a teenager/early 20's then it wouldn't bother me because she would still be a kid and kids can be bratty.

However if she is 25+ she should have her shit together and I get why you would be upset.

I don't really think it has anything to do with your other BM especially if they don't seem bothered by it. I think you should just let it go and enjoy spending time with your other BM.

Thank you. She turned 25 in August, but she acts so much younger even though she has two children. I agree she should have her ish together, that's why its bothering me. My other BM's do not seem to have a problem and they are pretty outspoken so they would tell me. I guess I am just annoyed with her that's all. I guess my issue is my other BM's throwing the shower/bach party and other things and she doesn't help with anything but still gets all the benefits that come with being a BM.

What are the "benefits" to being a BM that the others are getting? Credit for the shower? A thank you gift?

I think what you should ask yourself here is it *worth* stirring up the drama of kicking her out?

The benefits are having their hair, makeup, pedi/mani done. Staying in a hotel suite, obviously being a part of the wedding party.

I won't be kicking her out, she's my sister. My issue is how it could make my other BM's feel.

I think whether she chooses to participate in the pre-wedding festivities or not, she should at least financially contribute to the shower and bachelorette party that your BM are planning. You can facilitate that... "Susy, can you send me a check by Friday to give to Karen for the shower? Thanks." If I were a BM and we were all splitting the costs, I wouldn't mind taking over more planning responsibilities as long as I wasn't covering all the costs for another BM (especially my friend's sister).

Well there's really nothing you can do about your other BM's feelings other than talk to them about it or you could give them an extra gift in private?

I don't understand what you think is not "fair" to the other bridesmaids. You're not forcing them to go to things (hopefully); they're invited and encouraged and will probably be there. If your sister choose not to go to the bachelorette party, that's her choice. She misses out. Your other bridesmaids and MOH go and have a blast.

I'm sorry but showers and bachelorettes are *optipnal* for bridesmaids. They are not required. Just because the other BMs are *choosing* to be involved doesn't mean your sister has to be involved as well. A shower is planned by the people that offer. It is not automatically a "duty" of every bridesmaid. Just relax and respect her choice to only participate in the wedding itself.

There is NO way you should do as pp suggested and ask her to write checks for events she is not participating in.

@Rosemary So glad I'm not the only one with a dysfunctional sister lol

@annakay511 Thank you. That is what worries me. I would probably have to go through loops of fire to get her to contribute. If it were me like you said I wouldn't want to have to pay for my friends sister's part simply because she is well...irresponsible!

@EricaTx I am not forcing them to do anything. Like I stated above, if it were me I wouldn't have to contribute my part plus my friends sister's part simply just because.

@Snarky Thanks. Yes I have several additional gifts for them.

I guess my only options are dealing with it or addressing my sister, which probably won't lead to success ughh!

@Emily I agree. My issue is she will continue to say "Yes I will have my part, Yes I want to participate" and wait until the last minute and back out or create a huge lie about why she couldn't. She has done this all her life. There's no way in hell I would accept a check from her anyway unless I want it to bounce in my account lol

I told them " My sister is a BM because she is my only sister but don't expect her to help pay for anything or contribute" but now that I think about it, that was a very selfish thing to say.

@MrsPope, you're preaching to the choir.

I'm in the same boat. I think as long as you pre-warn them that she will likely be flaky then they know not to rely on her help. I told my BM to just pretend there are only 2 of them instead of 3, don't ask her opinion on anything, just tell her where to be and when and it's a bonus if she actually shows up... C'est la vie.

I would just leave her out. Expect her to show up in her dress and that's it. Explain this to your BM's. Don't put her name on anything and don't try to have a "chat" with her to influence her to participate, that will never work.

Here is a great example...My first dress appointment is tomorrow. About 4 weeks ago I sent everyone a message asking what Saturday was good for them from November 1 to December 13. Everyone agreed on November 29th including my sister!!

Last week I sent her a text message asking "Do you already have a sitter lined up for Saturday?" She said "Yes" this morning when I woke up I had a message saying "I have wedding party appointment at 130p, I need to prep and prime everyone's faces what time will we be back?"

I just replied "Ok, I am not sure about the time"

She said "Ok I'll let you know by 3"

I am not even mad because I knew this would happen! This is how she always is. How do you NOT know you have a wedding party appointment on the day YOU agreed to?

@letItSnow That's exactly what I told them. Just pretend its just 5 of you. I know she will be there on the day of because she likes the attention.

@Snarky What do you mean don't put her name on anything?

Honestly, I think the best thing to do is have zero expectations of her and be pleasantly surprised when she pulls through. She seems very flaky, and you'll just drive yourself crazy trying to understand that/her. I wouldn't talk to her, though, about general participation/lack thereof. If she doesn't show up, let her know you were disappointed.

About your dress appointment tomorrow, maybe she doesn't feel as though she needs to be there because you'll have others there. Only one of my 3 bm went with me to mine.

@EricaTX she is very flaky. The dress appointment is optional. Heck everything is optional except for the ceremony/reception. You're right I am going to drive myself insane with this, so I'll just let it go and expect nothing from her.

Regarding the appointment, this is just how she is. She will commit to everything and then the day of or day before she will create a huge lie instead of just saying I can't come. Did I mention she's not a makeup artist? Yeahhhh this is one of her lies she has been telling for a few years now.

I secretly hope she will just drop out.

See, I would have just handled things differently from the beginning. Why do they all have to attend your dress appointment? It isn't necessary for all of them to be there. Trying to get them all together on one date is a challenge and just makes extra stress for you and them. I would have sent a note saying "I am going dress shopping on Nov. 29, if anyone is availble and would like to come with me that would be great! Let me know!".

Then it is an invitation, not an obligation. Your sister probably agreed to the date because you were making it seem like a requirement.

Exactly miss pope, Expect nothing and then be pleasantly surprised if she steps up in any way, shape, or form!